The Greatest Pretender

Chapter 23

Realization

We both fell silent for a while then hinampas niya ako sa braso.“Gaga! Eh ba’t malungkot ka pa din? Pag ganun eh di mutual ang feelings niyo di ba? You like him, he likes you. Anong problema doon?” nakakunot noong tanong niya sa akin. “O baka naman you want him to love you?” Titig na titig siya sa akin habang inaantay ang sagot ko. Hindi ako umimik.

Napunta ako sa malalim na pag-iisip. Gusto ko nga bang mahalin niya ako? Bakit hindi ako kuntento na gusto niya lang ako?  

“OMG! You already love him, GF!”

“No, I don’t. You know I don’t do love anymore.” Nanlalaking mata ring sabi ko dito cause he wasn’t asking me anymore, it was a shocked statement from him.

“Yes, you do and you just did.” sigaw nito sa akin.

“What made you say that? No! Hindi ko pa siya mahal, I just like him.” Depensa ko dito. Tinignan lamang ako nito. “Oh my freaking shit! Do you really think I’m in love with him already?” nagpapanic kong tanong dito. Krizzy knows me and can read me like an open book. He must have seen something in me that made him say that. And he always does this, he’d make me realize something I have not even recognized for myself. “This is not good! Krizzy, tell me you were just joking. You don’t think I love him, di ba? It’s impossible! Hindi na ako marunong magmahal. I-I-I” I can’t finish my sentence.

Bumuntong hininga siya. “I may always joke about things but not with love, GF. Alam mo iyan. And besides, I have never joked about your feelings. I know that you swore to never love again because you don’t want to be hurt again. Noong una, nakita ko na that you like him but you were still denying it to yourself. I didn’t know it was love until you said those words. You were hurting when you said it. Ayoko nang masaktan ka pa, you’ve been through enough pain but you can never say no to love.” Seryoso at madamdaming sabi nito sa akin.

Napayuko ako nang maalala ang pinagdaanan ko noon. “I know, FG.”

“So, what’s your plan?” concern na tanong niya sa akin.

Nagkibit balikat lamang ako. Ano nga ba ang gagawin ko? “I don’t know, FG. Because honestly? I didn’t even plan on loving him or anyone else at all anymore, you know that. I may have fell unknowingly. Ayoko na talaga sana but here I am. I hate fate! This is sabotage of the worst kind! But then again, maybe, I have known all along but as you’ve said I’m denying it to myself cause I’m afraid and I thought that if I won’t entertain those feelings they’ll just disappear, you know?”

 

Tumango lamang ito ng may pang-unawa. “Now, answer my question earlier. Are you still not gonna fight for him? You realized you love him now, is love not enough of a reason?” tanong niya.

Napahawak ako sa ulo ko. Sumasakit ito sa realisasyon at sa mga tanong. “This love is a losing a battle. He’s in love with someone else, kaya nga we are pretending di ba?” sa malungkot na tonong  saad ko. “I decided I won’t tell him. I’ll never let him know. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? Kapag sinabi ko itong lintik na nararamdaman ko, para ko na ding sinira tiwala niya – nila. Alam mo naman iyon di ba? Ayoko ng ganun. And for me, trust is the next most important thing he can give me aside from love. It’s something I can have with assurance. Tsaka, kapag ba sinabi ko may magbabago sa nararamdaman niya? Ako ba ang pipiliin niya? Hindi din naman eh. You told me, sa laban na ito ako ang talo at alam ko naman iyon ipinamukha mo pa talaga!” sabi ko ng nangongosensya. Tumawa kami pero agad din naman napalitan ng katahimikan.