I hate this.
No matter how long it's been,
I always think of you.
I was happy as fuck yesterday, and I have been happy. Happy with other things and friends. And then I'm alone for one day, listening to music as always. That song plays and I'm fine, I sing along actually. I sit there for a few more hours with some tunes. Right? Then another song plays, this song meant nothing to us. Nothing at all. But i heard the words, they touched me in such a way I couldn't handle my situation. The song, it felt like it was there to fuck with me. Make me feel like I should regret my life. Make me feel like an asshole and make me be miserable. And it worked. The first 2 lines fucked me up more than anything. Even though they may not mean anything to anyone they meant everything to me.
"Look, see I remember when I met you as a sophomore
Started out as friends but I knew that we would want more"
Now those few lines aren't anything. This song dude, made me feel so like wow, how could I be so dumb. But now I think why should I feel so bad. I had an amazing time with this person. Maybe not all the time. But when we talked it went on forever. Hours on end talking about nothing, just random things that came to mind. I guess that's what I miss the most. Someone that I could be myself around, someone who shared common interests with me. Especially music. I wish it could have lasted longer. I wish I could have been your friend. I wish I could be there for you. I wish everything would just be okay.
But fuck, this "bitch" I guess doesn't understand. Right? I believe that's what you said. Yeah we're done, whatever. I have feelings too dude. Like fuck, yeah I have feelings at the wrong time. I have feelings when it's too late. Which is so fucking wrong. I always had them. I just didn't show it. I just want that friend back. The person who helped me and trusted me. Who made me laugh with barely anything. I wish I had the nerve to text you. I wish I had the nerve to tell you all of this, how I feel and how much I miss us. But I don't. No matter how much I wish I'll never see you again. And I hope I dont. I can't bare to see you, I get nervous and can't stop shaking. I wish that things didn't end like they did. I stopped doing so much after you left. Most things that we talked about me quitting. And I did. Without you. Wishing that If I quit you'd come back. But all it's doing is making me want it more. The craving to fill this void. It's so strong, maybe it'll win. I hope it does. I want to feel alive again. I'm done walking around like a zombie. I don't wanna let you down. But it's not like you're here to know about it. So fuck it. It's me right? I'm all by myself so why the fuck not.
If you're reading this thinking, wondering if I actually did it. I did. It's too late. I'm drifting back. And I hope this time I go so far I drown in all my sorrows.
