Never Gonna Forget- Paul Lahote Love Story (Under Revision)

Chapter 36- Different Lives

Ch.36: Different Lives

Trapped. The one seven letter word that could be used to describe how I felt, not only physically, but mentally as well. I either felt trapped or it was like I was in some sort of battlefield, but I couldn't decipher who was an ally or foe. Better yet, at times in my life and recently, it was almost like the cold war, with me being in no man's land, one side being my friends plus those I considered family, and on the opposite side was my inner demon; both I trusted to a degree, but I don't know who made my heart feel like it was in the right place. I mean it was how that one saying went, your heart is on the left side, which means that it isn't always right in some situations; mind you, I read somewhere that some people have a condition where their heart is on the right, so I wonder if that quote still applies to them or not. Anyways, I'm off topic and I suppose I have many different reasons on why I would trust either side, which makes current decisions difficult.

I do have good reasons for trusting both sides; I've shared a lot of emotions and memories with my friends plus family as well as my inner demon. In some sense, you could say that both parties involved were two halves of a whole to completing me. I'll start first with my inner demon, he's been there when my friends plus family weren't; when I would curl myself into a small ball with my arms wrapped tight around me as if shielding me from the cruel harsh world, as I held back tears and he was there for me in my darkest moments that I've ever had. He doesn't mean to appear harsh, he's just protective of me; he's like a friend, sibling, or even a protector as well as being a part of me. At the same time though, he gave off the vibe of both negative as well as positive feelings that I knew I had buried deep within me; after all you can't have darkness without a bit of light. With my friends and family, they supported all my decisions that I've made and defended me when I couldn't myself where bullying occurred.

Although, both sides shared me, among other things, in common with each other. They were both there for me when the funeral for my mother was held, a week or less after she was brutally murdered. Most of my memories I can remember clear as a sunny day sky since the good, the bad, and the in-between haunt me, always on repeat like a broken record. The issue, or rather problem, at hand was the amount of trust that I was willing to give and vice versa in response. Even if promises can be made, they end up being empty words until the actions behind the words are fulfilled and so far, I wasn't on the greatest terms with two members, Jacob as well as Scarlett, for one side that I supposedly had trust towards so promises have been broken among everyone, including myself.

I know that Scarlett went over to the Cullen's place to try to calm down so she wouldn't keep picking fights with me; it almost feels like we've grown distance from each other since how the events of last summer turned out as well as lately with everything that has been going on. The band moving to LaPush was like a symbol of peace in trying to fix the wounds that were made. As well as with Jacob gone, just sort of goes to show that my inner demon wasn't that far from the truth about trusting anyone again, but yet I was stubborn on proving him wrong and still am. My heart felt like it was just a piece of glass that had been shattered in a million pieces, as someone tried to fix it, but kept getting their fingers cut, causing me to feel as though I would never be fixed with any of the materials used to mend my heart such as duct tape or string. Although, as I look around the room, seeing the people apart of my life as well as my inner demon in my mind's eye, I felt like I could swallow down my fears and face them, since you are never too old to conquer your fears, right?

"Earth to Jaclyn? Are you there? Are you alright? You don't have to tell us anything if you aren't ready to yet. " Jayy panics, breaking me from my thoughts as I shake my head to clear my thoughts.

"No..no it's fine. I just got lost in my thoughts. We should build back our trust towards one another." I reassure him a best as I can as I feel the darkest memories that I have fighting their way to the surface of my mind. Those memories are like dying souls trying to crawl to the light of being alive once more.