✔️Heal My Heart {Kakashi Hatake}

52 | letters to the dead

My most kind, loving and wonderful Pa,

I wish more than anything I could have had the time to tell you these things while I had you with me. Just as I was too young to hear your words, now you have gone somewhere too far away to hear mine.

I found your little black notebook in your library, tucked into one of the shelves and collecting dust. You always adored your library, though I never had the time to read as much as you did. Being me is much busier than I imagine anyone expected.

I was eight years old when you died. Back then, I hadn't quite graduated from the Academy yet, and I was just going through the motions, not really sure what I wanted to do. I graduated a year later. I was the most shy kid in our class, and I only had two real friends - Rin and Obito. I don't think Kakashi was really a friend back then, just someone I spoke to on occasion. Those three were put in a Genin team together with Minato Namikaze as their sensei, just a little while before he became the Fourth Hokage. I remember worrying because I didn't know anyone on my team. Teren and Garake, the other Genin, were already as close as brothers, and I felt like an outsider for a while. But our sensei, Tsumari, was the kindest and most wonderful teacher I could have asked for. It was her who noted that my chakra control was exceptional, and suggested I become a medic. I was so excited to follow in your footsteps, Pa, and in Mama's.

Over time, Tsumari became like a second mother to me. She will never replace Mama - nobody could - but she was enough of a mother figure to me that my childhood wasn't quite as shattered as one might expect it to have been. It wasn't too long before we were more of a family than a team of shinobi. I still wish I'd had you, though, and Mama and Hajimaru.

When I was only twelve, Obito was killed on a mission. The impact on everyone left us sullen and depressed for weeks, but none more so than Kakashi. I spoke to Rin, and encouraged her to lighten up, but nothing I said to Kakashi ever seemed to make it through that rough, detached exterior. Then, not even a year later, Rin was killed by Kakashi's hand. Not a lot of people know this, but he earned the nickname Friend-Killer Kakashi among the ANBU. Horribly cruel of them, since everyone knows that it wasn't Kakashi's fault. Rin chose to die after having the Three-tails sealed in her, to protect Konoha; she put herself in Kakashi's way. That was the breaking point for him, though. Minato-sensei (I still struggle to think of him as Lord Fourth, but he was the Hokage, after all) promoted him to the ANBU, which in my opinion, was the exact wrong thing to do. We were twelve. It wasn't the right place for him to spend his teenage years, but now we are nineteen and he has not moved.

At least I'm there with him; he says that there's something about me that makes the ANBU seem a little brighter, a little more optimistic, a little easier to live with. I can't see what in the wold he's on about. There isn't anything remotely bright in that place, and if I'm perfectly honest, the only reason I stay and not just return to Jonin level is that I'm worried about Kakashi. It wasn't until I joined his team that he's opened up to anyone, which was a little under a year ago. Even now, I'm sure there are things he still blames himself for that he won't even talk to me about. I guess I really am like Mama, because I've made it my goal to bring him happiness.

And here, we return to what you wrote to me, Pa. I'm going to have to insist that you re-think your twenty-five rule. I imagine you would have already guessed from what I've written so far, and you guessed long before I ever knew myself. Of course I love Kakashi, Pa. How could I not? He's been with me through some of the hardest parts of my life, he's annoyingly good at everything and I've lost count of who owes who their life and how many times over. I doubt he thinks of me in the same way, though. I only recently figured this out myself, though it was naturally all his fault. You see, Kakashi is the most emotionally distant and romantically disinterested person I have ever met. For the longest time, I was sure he hated me. Even now, I doubt he thinks of me as any more than a good friend. I know you said twenty-five, Pa, but if I've fallen this hard at nineteen I'm going to have to do the whole rebellious teen act from the books - you know, "I love him and he loves me!" 

I went on one date with Kakashi, actually. Although it doesn't really count because it was a double date, and the only reason I agreed to ask him out was to make Kurenai ask Asuma out. Those two are that one couple that are so obviously in love it make you want to pull your hair out, but they're just too shy to say anything. Therefore, although I did technically ask him out to a restaurant and spend a good few hours with him, it doesn't count as a date. I guess he did walk me home afterward, but that doesn't mean anything either. I think.

I read what you wrote about running to me even from beyond death, and I wish with all my heart you could. There's someone out there, somewhere, who wants me captured. It's succeeded once, actually, but Kakashi came with Teren, Garake and Tsumari and rescued me that time. Kakashi killed that guy, but there was another who showed up. You might remember him; Mama had a rather violent argument with him once. His name is Kokuyōseki, and I have no idea why he is so persistent, but he has made no less than three attempts to kidnap me.

Actually, one of those attempts almost killed me. Annoyingly, Kakashi has saved my life every single time. The last attack was just recently, and Kakashi just 'happened' to be around to fight. He used this move called Kamui to make him disappear, though neither of us are sure if he's dead or not. Kakashi continued to vex me by being suddenly taken with a fatal bout of chakra drain, but then, we're talking about Kakashi. Nothing new there, except the Hokage thought it would be a good idea for him to stay at the house under my care. Apparently we don't spend enough time alone together.

The Hokage, Pa. The mother freaking Hokage.

Sometimes I wish people would get off my back. Am I that easy to read? Is my acting that bad? Kakashi's the complete opposite. If he doesn't want you to know something, he puts up a façade that is almost impenetrable. I say almost because I'm working on it.

I miss you, Pa. I need you.