✔️Heal My Heart {Kakashi Hatake}

92 | raised voices

It wasn't until the next morning that I found Kakashi, suited up in ANBU uniform and preparing to leave. I jogged over to him, calling his name.

"Hey, Kakashi!"

Kakashi turned his head sharply, and seemed taken aback to see me.

"M-Miyoshi."

"You okay?" I frowned. Kakashi didn't respond right away, so I ploughed on. "Why didn't you tell me you had another mission? I didn't know you were leaving."

"I-uh," Kakashi stammered. "Sorry."

"Are you sure you're okay?" I touched his arm lightly. It wasn't like him at all to stutter.

Kakashi hesitated. "You said something the other night. I... is it true?"

"Is what true?" I frowned.

"That..." Kakashi refused to make eye contact. "That you love me."

I was a little startled by his response. I couldn't remember consciously making the decision to say that, but now that I thought about it, it might have slipped out by accident. No going back now.

"Well... yes. I suppose... yeah." I felt my face grow warm. "I... um..."

"That's the problem," Kakashi whispered, and I barely caught his words.

"Whoa, problem?" I folded my arms. "Do you have a problem with me?"

"I... yes, but it's not you..." Kakashi ran a hand through his hair, something I'd noticed he did whenever he was nervous or stressed. His hands were trembling.

"Let me guess, it's not me, it's you." I rolled my eyes. "That's what they all say. Just spit it out already. Why exactly do you have a problem?"

"Because," Kakashi's voice was strained. "You can't love me. You just can't."

"Why not?" I scowled. "Didn't you mean all that stuff you said when we first got together?"

"Yes, Miyoshi, I did." Kakashi closed his eyes as if in pain, and his fingers ran through his hair again. "I did, I meant every word. The reason you can't love me is because I love you, and we can't... we just can't."

"Can't what?" My anger was dissipating into upset. "You're not making any sense, Kakashi. If you love me, why can't I love you?"

"Because everyone who loves me dies," Kakashi said finally in a hollow whisper. "It was my parents, then Obito and Rin, and even Minato. Miyoshi, you're the only one left that I love. If I lost you now..." He took a shaky breath and ran his hand through his hair again. "I don't... want to think about that."

"Kakashi..." I was close to tears. I brushed the unwanted dampness from the corners of my eyes. "That doesn't mean you can just throw your own life away, you know. You can't go on a mission like this alone."

"You know where I'm going?" Kakashi was taken aback. The trembling hands paused halfway through raking through his hair and went rigid with alarm.

"The Hokage told me to go with you," I said in a whisper. "Kakashi, if you go alone you'll die. We're barely a match for him when we're together, what makes you think you can take him alone?"

"I have to try. If I die-"

"If you die, I won't have anyone left to live for," I argued before he could even make his point.

"No." Kakashi shook his head. "You're wrong about that. If I die, you still have so many people... Kurenai, Asuma, Teren and Kanari, Garake, Naruto... there's so many people here who you love that love you too."

"Kakashi, if you die, I will never forgive myself," I warned him sharply.

"And if you die, I'll never see happiness again," Kakashi said. "You know that." He sighed again, and the hair-hand-brushing resumed. "I shouldn't have got this close to you in the first place, it was too cruel to get your hopes up like this. I'm so sorry."

"Then why did you?" I asked.

"Because I couldn't stop myself. I wanted to be with you so badly - I still do - that I just couldn't keep it together under the pressure." Kakashi sounded like he was confessing to something.

"You're the most self-controlled person I know." I frowned.

"Maybe." Kakashi sighed. I could see his unhappiness written in every feature of his face. "There's just something about you that just... I don't know. I don't know, and I shouldn't have brought you into this."

"Let me help you," I insisted.

"No." Kakashi turned away. "You've done so much for me already. It's enough."

"You're talking like I'll never see you again," I snapped.

"You might not." Kakashi looked down. "That's why I took the mission alone. If I die, then I'll spare you-"

"Stop," I cut in. "Do you know who you sound like? You sound like the guy who came to me a week before he committed suicide."

"Miyoshi-"

"No, don't." I refused to listen to Kakashi's poor excuses. "I could round up a team in just a few minutes, inform the Hokage... don't just go and leave me like this."

Kakashi sighed. "You're not listening, Miyoshi..."

"I am listening." I brushed tears from my eyes, but they just kept coming. "I'm listening and I'm scared by what I can hear."

"Look at me," Kakashi said, tilting my chin up to face him. I locked eyes with him, and as soon as I saw the Sharingan, the world vanished and I was standing alone in a black space.

A light flared behind me, and I spun around to see a young Kakashi, Chidori flaring. A brown blur rushed past me, and I saw Rin darting in front of him. Kakashi's Chidori was buried in her chest, and she whispered his name. When I blinked, though, Kakashi was older, and it wasn't Rin, but me, whispering his name as I died in his arms. Kakashi uttered a sobbing scream, a sound I had never imagined he could make.

I watched as Kakashi shattered into pieces before my eyes, and as he broke, the world broke, and I was back in front of Kakashi at the village gates, breathing quickly as if I'd just woken from a nightmare.

"What was that?" I whispered.

"That is what I see every time I think about you." Kakashi dropped his hand. I was still crying, now worse than before. My shoulders shook with repressed sobs. Kakashi seemed to be having some sort of internal battle; he made a movement as if to reach out to me, but then stopped himself and stepped back, conflict written on his face.

"Kakashi, don't just go like this," I begged. "Please. I couldn't bear it if you died. Let me gather a team, we'll have a chance... I love you too much to let you go." The last part came out as a whisper. I knew Kakashi had heard, though, because he winced like I'd put him in some sort of pain.

"And I love you too much to let you be in danger," he told me quietly. "Please, Miyoshi, I'm just trying to protect you."

"Doesn't feel much like protection to me," I muttered, my sleeve now very damp with the tears I was wiping from my cheeks.

"Maybe we shouldn't see each other," Kakashi murmured. "Even if I do end up coming back alive."

"Don't say that," I said sharply.

"It might be the easiest way to protect you. I don't want... what you saw..." Kakashi trailed off.

"If you go, I'll follow," I told him firmly.

"I was afraid you'd say that." Kakashi's eyes shone with unshed tears. He looked positively miserable. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry..."

I heard him muttering repeated apologies under his breath, then the world faded out into blackness.