The Show Must Go On

Made In Heaven

November 20th 1991

i was so happy to share the news of me finally getting into the studio with Universal Music Group, they loved my tracks and backing studio and wanted to sign me as soon as i made it back into the states, when i first got that call i had to call my parents first thing, my mother was ecstatic for the most part, she knew id make it if i just set my mind to it. she was a firm believer in my ability to set my heart on anything "you are a goal-getter just like your father, he rubbed off you so much Vanessa, you make us both proud" i told her i loved her so much and hung up to make it to my fathers house.

As i walked into Garden Lodge i was so happy, "hello, anyone...Jim..Dad?" as i made my way to the whole house i caught Terry and Mary whispering to each other, and i gave out a loud "hi everyone i have amazing news...wheres my father, i looked around" at first Terry looked at the ground and not in my eyes, my smile left my face and i let out "where is my dad, is he okay???" than Mary said "hes fine Vanessa, but he wants to talk to you before anything happens.."

As i slowly walked into my fathers room he was in his bed, with a oxygen mask on, and i said "daddy..." i took faster steps towards him "dad are you okay??" he took the mask off and said "i'm fine my darling..i hear you have amazing news and i'm here to hear from your time away from me" i held his hand and spoke softly and said "i got accepted dad...i got accepted to Universal Music Group, i finally did it daddy i'm finally doing what i've always wanted to do, just like you wanted me to go after something i'm doing it" he kissed my hand and said "you have such charisma and brains and stability something your mother and i raised you to be, i knew this from the day you were born you were going to be somebody, and now the whole world is starting to agrees with you.." he held my hand and a little tighter and said "i've made a very tough decision, and i want you to know this before its announced" i nodded "okay dad" he let out a quivering sigh and said "i'm going to announce to the public that i have AIDS..." i looked down for a quick moment and said "if you're ready than so am i, whatever you do dad, just know i am here and ill always be here"

November 23th 1991

my father released a press statement with brave and honest truth that morning

"Following enormous conjecture in the press, I wish to confirm that I have been tested HIV positive and have Aids. I felt it correct to keep this information private in order to protect the privacy of those around me..

However, the time has now come for my friends and fans around the world to know the truth, and I hope everyone will join with me, my doctors and all those worldwide in the fight against this terrible disease."

he felt so happy to have finally got it off his chest it was a tough choice but it was the right now too. that night my dad and i watched t.v just the two of us together we talked about the world fancy cars, my future "my favorite place to visit on tour was Japan" i interrupted "wait, that was my favorite too" we laughed for hours "there is so much i would have wanted to do..but there is so much i already did" i started to slowly cry and just had to ask "how do i move on without you?" he got teary eyed too and said "you cant be afraid to live your life my darling, that is the beauty of life, to live..i lived mine perfectly fine, with you by my side, i have nothing to worry about at this very moment" i cried even more because i realized the one person that promised to be with me til his dying death was keeping his word and it was happening so fast. he asked me "what do you see in your future, tell me?" i wiped my tears with my sleeve and said "a lot and i mean a lot of love, i want kids to be running around the house, i want a loving husband to tell me he's proud of me everyday, i see my cousins from my uncles having kids of their own, i see a lot of happiness, but i don't see you..." i couldn't help but to cry again "you will get happiness there is no doubt about that, when i pass away your life will still continue, and i will tell you this when you finally can sleep at the end of the day, you need to know that your father worked his ass off for your happiness, that's all i wanted for you was for me to lay my head at the end of the day and be proud that all of this was worth it and its all worth it because you get to live and continue to be happy, i love you Vanessa Mercury" i kissed his head and whispered "i love you so much more daddy...."

the next day my father the late Freddie Mercury sadly died on November 24th of 1991, of AIDS-related pneumonia, i have never been so loss and hurt in my life til now, so much was said during this time of grief, it made me feel anger and pain at the same time, i felt like he took half of me when he left. i couldn't look at myself in the mirror because just looking at myself reminded me of him, which brought the pain. i was numb from thinking of him too much. Each person who crossed my path told me they were so sorry for my lost, but i honestly had no words for anything.

as we all made our way to his funeral i was in the same car as my mother her husband and my uncles Brian and Roger and John and their wives, i could see we were all grieving all in different ways. i looked out the window and cried to myself as i got through the ride my uncle John hugged me so tightly and i let out "my heart hurts so much, i dont feel right anymore, how do you even say goodbye to someone who means so much to you?!" as i wiped my tears, I began to go and take my seat while all eyes were on me at this point.

I sat front row, next to my grandparents and my mother, I held my Mamani's hand and sobbed while they brought his casket in, I shouted "please, dad, PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!!" my mother and my uncle Roger sat me back down and whispered "let it out it's ok baby girl" at this part I didn't want to be here. I left the room and later came back. I finally got the courage to make a speech,

"I just want to let everyone know how grateful I am to have you here (sobs)....I'm so sorry everyone it's just..I just really miss him so SO much right now. And I can't fight this feeling every time I wake up in the morning and I won't be seeing his big smile and giving me lots of kisses before i go into the garden to feed his cats l, just don't know how..I mean I know someday I'll find comfort but til than it's killing me to not hear him call my name and telling me that I'm his pride and joy to anyone and everyone, I must be strong, I will thank you so much everyone"