The Show Must Go On

Mother Love

 January 10th 1997
I was home alone that day, as I was washing the dishes my dads cats he left me in charge with were cleaning themselves as of just being feed by me. The doctors warned me to not have any around while being pregnant and even after when the baby comes. Yet I couldn't bare to let any go, it wouldn't be right these were like my siblings, my dads cats. I was cleaning for when Johnny would come home later that night, he was away shooting his new movie for Halloween called "Sleepy Hallow" couldn't be more proud of him. But I wanted him to hurry up and come home to "us."
BANG!!
I looked outside my window and seen a car crash happen just outside my house. I quickly cried and ran to my phone to call the police. I hoped no one was seriously hurt! I prayed and prayed.
"help was on the way" the dispatcher told me.
As I looked outside my window I bite my nails in nervous to make sure the ambulance and cops came to rescue whoever was in the car...
All of a sudden I felt a sharp pain in my stomach.
I touched my stomach and groaned and walked slowly to the bathroom. I didn't think anything scary so I just thought I had to take a poop, nothing to worry about.
I closed the door slowly.

9:00pm
As Johnny finally walks into the door from his trip back from filming. He tried to be quiet thinking i was sleeping he looked around the house. "Vanessa?!" he searched for me. Looked in our room, nope, looked in the kitchen nope, the backyard nope, he pet the cats while he walked past some of them. He finally passed the second bathroom up the stairs and heard scuffling and a little cry.
"Vanessa are you in there" he knocked and slightly opened the door. He seen me on the ground holding a small towel. His heart dropped I could tell, his eyes wide "is that..." I cried out
"I'm so sorry Johnny" he bent down and we had a moment to realize we lost our baby.

A couple days i was in a daze, so confused, when we went to the hospital the doctor told me that as sad and heartbreaking as it is this was totally "normal". I didn't kn ow how to act he said a lot of woman experience miscarriages for their first pregnancy. I didn't feel human at all that week. I felt like I was living someone else's life. I felt like my job as being a woman was failed because i couldn't hold a child. 

In those couple weeks i spent time in bed, i didn't want to tell anyone else only Johnny and i knew i was too scared and embarrassed for anyone to know. 

As he would check in on me every two hours or so, some days we would have our moments when wed fight. He'd leave at this point i didn't care where he'd go or who he'd go with. But i could tell he didn't want to leave me but i could see it in his face that he was too sad too even make a conversation with me knowing he might trigger an emotion. But he was right i was too broken to even look at him and face the truth. 

January 5th 1997

that morning Johnny decided to leave, completely from my life. He decided it was best for me to get well and healthy he wanted me to get back on track. 

My mom called me that morning after he left which was weird timing, she knew what was going on because Johnny had told her everything before leaving. "What's going on Vanessa? tell me whats wrong let me help you darling" As i looked up with my eyes puffed up from crying so much at my mom and said "how can you help me mom, look at me...i'm broken" as she started to tear up i also started to cry and continued saying "everyone wants me to be like this, or that, dads gone he was my whole world, i cant even have a baby..." she stopped me and said "but you see Vanessa you can do anything, even when you say you can't, you're father worked his ass off even when everyone said he couldn't he did he knew one day wed have to you, he was thinking about you the whole time he was dying, i'm sorry to bring up like that but you cant let you're dad down knowing you can make him proud!" I thought to myself that i needed to get my act together not just for myself but for everyone who is rooting for me! 

I came back better than ever, i was everywhere!!