The Show Must Go On

Keep Yourself Alive

December 1996
I was deciding on where to go for Christmas, should I go to California with my mom and my stepdad and younger brother? Go to my dads side to my grandparents? Or go to Johnny's place? I wanted to have a good time and be around people that were nothing but good vibes. I have finally found peace and comfort with my dad passing so it was a good idea to not be so depressed around the holidays.
I decided to go to my boyfriend Johnny's house this year, I thought it would be so fun, and I'd enjoy myself, plus his family were going over so it was important for me to catch up with my in laws too!
"I just can't wait to meet your family Johnny" he smiled and looked around before opening the door to his house in LA.
"there going to end you alive..." his dark eyes looked so convincing
"wait, wait?!" I stopped before going in
"no, I'm just kidding!" He laughed so hard trying to give me a hard time and at the same time ease the tension.
"you're going to get it.." I pinched him
(We settled in a he introduced me to many of his family, they loved me they told me so many times that Johnny needed to find a decent girl who "had it all")
As we all sat around the table after opening presents we decided to eat and talk and talk and eat some more. Here came the real questions I thought, the ultimate test to get to know me.
I was really hoping they didn't bring up my dad, I was hoping I didn't want to get emotional today, not today!
I grabbed my plate and Johnny and I found a set next to each other.
"So..." his uncle Jeff broke the silence while we all ate quietly
he looked over at us and said.
"do you both want kids?"
Johnny almost chocked
My eyes widened, "well hopefully some day for me" I told him
he interrupted me and said "no I mean together" Johnny looked at me and smiled and took a sip of his red dark wine and said "I don't think we're quit there yet Uncle"
I thought to myself "what would our children look like?"
His mom Betty added "i want grandchildren John, and soon you guys are what how old? 33?! Hurry up!" she waved her fork while pressuring us.

I thought for a minute, "I'm 33 with no kids yet, yikes this can't be real?!"
While everyone was finally leaving to go home, I also said my goodbyes, I slumped on the couch full as hell. I watched Johnny as he kindly gave kisses to his family than he'd smile at me while his older relatives would embrace his with kisses, he was embarrassed a little.
He shut the door than locked it, and walked over to me on the couch, the fire from the fire place was still warm and cozy, he told me "well...remind me to never ever host Christmas at my house again" we both giggled
As 20 minutes past into us talking and laughing about today I put on a serious face and twirled my fingers together and asked "did you really mean what you said to your uncle...about not being there about having kids" he slowly swiped his hand across his face and said,
"uhm kids kind of scare me..I mean not to be dramatic or anything but I don't really know how to handle babies mostly" he awkwardly laughed.
"They are hard to handle at first but I bet we can do it" I glanced at him
"Do you want to have children with me one day?" he quietly blurred out.
I was in shock but than I said "it would be nice, heck why not" I laughed but inside I was trying not to be so awkward about it.

What would our children look like?
It would be nice to finally start a family, just the thought of having a little mini me blew my mind away. I also thought of my daddy, he would love if I had children, he would have been an awesome grandpa a fierce and sassy one at that.  I'd give anything to see my dad with his grandchild just for a second.

Rare photo of my dad and I, 
May 1965