"The Risk Book"
CLOSED
All feedback contained here is pure opinion; some of these opinions have changed over time as the reviewer has since received professional training, but this book remains posted for the authors to look back on. Use discretion...
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Genre: Horror
Title: The Imperfect [Not Everyone is Perfect] I'm already a little skeptical of this story, only because it's horror, and the title adds to that a bit. The Imperfect seems to be a plural, yet your blurb describes one girl. Perhaps "The Imperfect One" would be better fitting. I could be wrong, though, as I have no context as to why it's called "The Imperfect."
Now that I've read and reviewed it, "The Imperfect" is a perfectly good title. Perhaps the blurb could be changed to make the idea of a plural force haunting the church instead of a singular force, the girl.
Cover I actually think that this cover is beautiful! I love the overall composition and the font of the title. The image is stunning, with the black smoke and everything. +1 point for a great cover! The only issue I have with it right now is that I fail to see how the picture has to do with a little girl haunting a church. I'll have to read on and find out if it does connect, but if it doesn't, I have to take the point back. Useless covers are just as useful as a blank cover, aren't they?
Now that I've read the story, I'm sorry, but I'll have to take that point back! The picture of a woman blowing black fumes is nowhere near the actual plot of the story, unless it will show up later than the parts that were completed when I read it (Chapters 1-24). Broke even.
Blurb The blurb is very intriguing, all except of the one error. It says, "She has me a grim smile." I'm sure you meant a different word, so no points given or taken for that. I do like how you just left the quote for everyone, just a tiny insight into the story that makes me curious to read it. Perhaps there could be some way to tie in your title with the blurb, though. Just a thought. :)
Now that I've read it, this quote isn't found anywhere in the story, and the church isn't even haunted by the girl! The girl doesn't even want anyone to be scared or get hurt; she's just a victim of her parents. I think you should make this clear, as I've said in the title review. No points given or taken.
Chapters *Since this is a 24-part story, I'm not going to go in full detail like with the previous, 3-part story. I'll give you my thoughts as I go, and will be commenting on minor, minor issues that aren't significant enough to place here.* Onward!
The first six chapters seem to be more of a prologue to me; a separate introductory section. They tell Angel's story before Diana's story, but Diana's story is really the main focus. Angel's story is important, certainly, but it shouldn't be part of the story. Consider condensing the first six chapters immensely and creating one prologue that tells of Angel's story. Then, go straight to Diana's story one-hundred years later. Then, the main focus is established.
So far, so good in the second. The only issue I've come across is tense errors. You seem to be writing in past tense (words with suffixes ending in -ed, for instance), but sometimes you randomly switch to present tense ("She smiles" is present tense, whereas "she smiled" is past tense. "Doesn't" is present tense, whereas "didn't" is past tense). You should try to keep the same tense (past tense) throughout your story. These are very minor mistakes though, and it would be pretty picky for me to take away a point for that. You're still at no points for now.
