"The Risk Book"
CLOSED
All feedback contained here is pure opinion; some of these opinions have changed over time as the reviewer has since received professional training, but this book remains posted for the authors to look back on. Use discretion...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Title I like the title. Simple, yet unrevealing with some insight.
Cover Well, I'm not going to critique a cover made by me (even if I love this one, haha). However, here comes the advertisement—readers, if you like what you see, there's an open cover shop right next door on my account! Head on over and check out what I had to offer!
Blurb Your blurb, aside from the occasional grammar issues and the unprofessional look of the emoticons, is actually decent. I like the part about her past and her transformation. However, I would have liked it better if you would have included something about the conflict of the story. What will the current problem be? What will the thing be that you need to resolve in the story? Give us a taste of that conflict!
*since your story comes in ten parts, I'll be judging two chapters at a time, coming to five portions of review*
Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 You've already heard this in your last review, but you should generally only have one punctuation mark at a time (there are a few exceptions, though—comment if you'd like to know them). Another thing with that is that question marks and exclamation marks are actually end-marks. This means that they end a sentence like a period would ("?," is incorrect—it would just be "?"). I'm going to take a point off because it's such a consistent error that you haven't fixed. -1 is your total.
The format in Chapter 2 is a bit weird to me. I can't tell if it's simply the headline of a newspaper or a narrator on television or an anchorman (or woman). I also think that this text shouldn't be bolded. Yes, I know it's different than the story, but I think you could format it differently to make it clearer and better-looking. In fact, I think you should refrain from bolding anything except for your author's notes. It shouldn't be used for much else. Italics or quotation marks should do just fine. A cool idea might be to create your own newspaper graphic with the headlines and everything and put it in there! Little tip before I move on: you can't put quotation marks within quotation marks! You must use apostrophes (or single quotations). "'It's just the right way to do it.' That's what the imaginary character said."
I would also refrain from. Doing. This. It makes you look unprofessional (I've been guilty of this one!). Make sure you separate all paragraphs, too (unless it's for poetry or lyrics). This is incorrect.
Correct! Do this!
Chapter 3 and Chapter 4 I really enjoyed Chapter 4. Great job! I love the little flashbacks and I really loved the last line of that chapter. Nice work! +1 point! Breaking even.
Chapter 5 and Chapter 6 Onomatopoeias should be italicized and not put in quote. For example, ding! The doorbell rang.
"Punctuation should go inside the quotation marks." I said.
Chapter 7 and Chapter 8 I really liked Chapter 7. Great job with that reunion! It was a really interesting scene. +1 for that, and your total is one.
Chapter 9 and Chapter 10 I think that the pain that Phoebe goes through at the end of Chapter 9 would be much better amplified by more flashbacks. Maybe you could format your story differently than it is. For instance, you could have half of a chapter be a flashback and the other be the present. Then, you would really hone in on Jamal and Phoebe's relationship. Then, their love would mean much more to the reader (otherwise, us readers just focus on the fact that Jamal broke up with Phoebe just to be in his band—it makes their love seem shallow and one-sided without more information). It would really make Phoebe and Jamal's reactions after meeting each other again pop and it would make it more meaningful.
No way—Jean! That totally surprised me! Great job with that (even though you left me hanging)! +1 for that!
Overall, harleeyah24 got two points! The majority of your problems were grammatical errors. There are some things for you to consider changing in terms of format and the like, but they're minor.
Your writing has greatly improved since your last review—I'm impressed! Great job with improving your writing, and great story! I'm so excited to see what you go on to do with this story!
