Cetador Package
Prologue
The first thing I see is a dialogue punctuation issue. Here's how it goes:
"A dialogue tag pertains to the dialogue and ends with a comma instead of a period, other end-marks like question marks aside," he said. "Like that. Notice how the tag, which isn't a proper noun, is not capitalized."
"An action tag does not pertain to the dialogue and ends with a period." He scratched his head. "Like so. Notice how the tag is now capitalized."
Here's the second thing I see: a verb tense issue. "Said" indicated that you were writing in past tense. However, you briefly switch to present with describing who the Good One "is", as you put it. It should be "was" since you're in past tense. That description was also an info-dump and right at the start of the story, too! Things like that won't get me excited to read.
As I read further, a promised conflict did excite me. Angels being forced to go to Earth, Earth having "too many people"...it's interesting.
I also liked the description of the golden light as the heroes were sent to Earth. Nice!
Good ending, too! I like a prologue with a cliffhanger.
Overall, your grammar could use some work . Your writing is also simple and could use a lot of tweaks and some artistry and intentionality to make it sophisticated, but it could work by itself (edited, of course!) with a younger audience. The prologue is really short, but there were a few elements I liked and could see the potential in. For this, I'm not giving or taking any points.
Chapter One
Good! Some setting—and an interesting premise of the main character seeing herself. However, why is "violet" capitalized when you just described her eye color? I understand capitalizing it for a name, but not for a color.
Ah, so it was a dream (a comma is needed after "said" in the dream).
You have another verb tense error. When narrating (not dialogue or italicized though), "is" should always be "was" everywhere.
It's time to talk about ellipses, which are the three dots in succession (...). Each time you use an ellipsis and want to connect it to something that's not an entirely new sentence, you must connect them...like this. It's not... this...but that.
Each time a different character speaks, you must create a separate paragraph for it.
"Like so," he said.
"And like so," she added.
Dialogue should look like that, too. Not, " thank you."
Interesting ending with the boy being there! Something I think you could change is the "next day" time-break. I think you could just say "the next day..." and it'd be fine. Otherwise, it seems rushed and clunky instead of smooth.
Chapter Two
I think you use "blue-topaz" a bit too much. The repetition was nice at first, but it becomes redundant when that's all that's important about this boy. What about some other features about him?
The part where Violet says something like "this can't be possible" sounds like internal thoughts, which means you should italicize them.
I spot a run-on sentence, which is a grammatically incorrect sentence where two independent clauses are joined without proper punctuation or with improper punctuation. An example of a run-on sentence is this: "I like this, I don't like that." The comma is not an appropriate punctuation to use in between two independent clauses unless there's a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) like so: "I like this, but I don't like that." Besides a comma, you can use a semicolon: "I like this; I don't like that." You can also use an em-dash: "I like this—I don't like that."
I like the addition of Violet being different in her heritage, that people don't know where she came from or how she came to be and that her existence shouldn't be possible. What I would have liked in this chapter the most (besides the grammatical things) is more characterization. Your characters seem pretty shallow so far even though I've only just met them! Does Violet not care about leaving the orphanage? Why does she feel like she should go with two strangers to a place that might not even exist? And why is Ethan so narcissistic? I think Carter's character is the best out of the three in terms of depth. He has a conflict rooted in his upbringing, and he feels that prejudice towards Violet. Nice job with Carter, but I think other characters could be better. I'm adding a point for Carter's character. Your total is one.
Chapter Three
Chapter Three was full of verb tense issues, so many that I had to go back to the first chapter to reassure myself that you meant to be writing in past tense!
Interesting world-building, and a few new characters. Moving forward.
While I liked the way you wrote the kiss scene, I think that it doesn't really make sense for them to kiss. I get that it was a bit of an accident, but the characters didn't have enough time for their relationship to develop enough for the kiss to be exciting to the readers! I wish you would have took your time with the plot before using kissing to excite your readers. For this, I'm taking a point away. Your total is zero.
Overall, GirlOnline_20 got zero points! Grammatical errors are overall your greatest flaw. Fix those first and then focus on next level improvements like the characterization and artistry and buildup for kiss scenes. My review's content is aimed for your level specifically! I hope this helps!
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