"The Risk Book"
CLOSED
All feedback contained here is pure opinion; some of these opinions have changed over time as the reviewer has since received professional training, but this book remains posted for the authors to look back on. Use discretion...
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Genre: Fantasy
Title Your title is fine to me now, if a bit vague. No points given or taken for that, unless I change my mind after reading it all.
Cover I must admit already that your cover is a bit cheesy...girly...ostentatious...you name it. This may be your style and what you like, so I'm not taking off any points, but know that in my opinion, I would change it. Whenever I post stories, I want them to look as professional as they can. I don't know what graphics program you use, but I use Canva.com (which is also an app) for almost all of my covers. Otherwise, I use the Wattpad Book Cover App. Consider it (I also have a cover shop next door)! ;)
Blurb Your blurb is quite nice, if a bit long. The only issue I have with it are the words in all capital letters. Those aren't needed. I understand that there's no way to bold or italicize in the summary box, but you should still be able to convey the same emotion without it. Capital letters are no means correct substitutes. :) No points given or taken, though. It's a very minor issue that has just always bugged me, but I'm sure that some readers won't mind it (some will mind it, however).
Onward. *since this story has three parts, I'll be critiquing each chapter separately.*
Chapter 1: Thunderstorms and Lyrics Very nice opening paragraph. Intriguing.
You have a great way of describing orphanage life as a teenage. Very realistic, to me. +1 point for good realism.
Your character descriptions are impeccably placed. Probably the best in this review book so far. +1 point for being the record breaker! It pleases me to see correct placement like this—immensely so. Two points in total so far!
I love the dialogue and the dynamics between Reyna and Eric. Very realistic and fun to read.
Great first chapter!
Chapter 2: Dreams of the Unknown Congratulations on being unique! You have no idea how relieved I am that Reyna didn't get paired up with Eric. That would have lost you a point for performing the cliché event. Kudos! I'm not adding a point, though, because many readers (as clueless as they may be) wouldn't mind the cliché. So none given or taken.
Instead of using your words in all capitals to convey a shout, try italicizing it. No points given or taken for the minor error, but know that it's a consistent error throughout your writing.
It's not very realistic for Reyna to have to spend ten minutes trying to get Kendall'a attention. It should be more like forty seconds or something like that. Just a touch should have been enough to reel her from her book, don't you think? I might be being a bit harsh, but ten minutes is longer than you think and terribly unrealistic. For that, I have to take away a point. You're still at one point, though!
On that note, how could Eric be interested in her after only one encounter? I've bumped into plenty of people and they never gave me a second glance besides a "sorry!" No points given or taken just because it's fiction (fantasy). I'll buy it...for now.
I am disappointed! Why did you add the cliché event that you didn't add before? I'm so sad! You paired her up with Eric after...stalling? Maybe? I don't know. I must keep the promise I presented earlier, that if you had included it, you would have lost a point. I'm so sorry (!), but you're at zero points. You did surprise me, though (if unpleasantly so). :)
The cliché of cliché: being paired up with the one the main character "doesn't like" and then ends up liking after going to his house and discovering his past because they have to do a big project for a class. Tsk-tsk, Paris! No hard feelings, though.
And suddenly Eric is everywhere she goes! He's in places that she's always been going to, but has never noticed him being there! He's in places she's never been before but coincidentally had to go to. And of course, she has to serve coffee to him and he makes fun of her. I'm just pointing out these unoriginal things. I'm sure you've noticed them. Many readers wouldn't mind, but I do. :)
However, the leather book is quite interesting...I have a good feeling about it. Perhaps now I'll realize why your book is a fantasy novel!
The dream was very nice, tying into the blurb and all. I'm excited to see how your story morphs into this dream of fantasy. I love the ending to this chapter. Well done.
Chapter Three: Texting on Paper Again, with the words in all-caps. It's not necessary. Simply put it in italics to signify the onomatopoeia. A "bang" already means a loud noise, so there's no need to capitalize the whole word to signify it as what it already means. No points given or taken, but again, it's a consistent error.
Her dream must've been extremely vivid for her to remember all of those details (I suppose if could be magical).
Oh! Is Eric part of a fantastical world and needs help from Reyna? Are Miles, Adam, and Eric part of that world? I'm very interested. +2 points for picking up the plot! You've got two points now.
So, in total, Paris_is_Everything got two points! I'm so very sad about that, because if not for the cliché parts and the unrealistic parts, you would have had three points! Your story has a great start—I'm keeping it in my library because it interested me so much. Thanks for submitting such a great story! I wish you would write much faster! :)
Side note: Paris_is_Everything did end up requesting a cover from my shop next door, and this is the result:
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Check out that before and after! Do you see anything you like, reader? Head on in to my Cover Shop to request a cover of your own (sorry for the ad, but I thought I'd share)!
