"The Risk Book"
CLOSED
All feedback contained here is pure opinion; some of these opinions have changed over time as the reviewer has since received professional training, but this book remains posted for the authors to look back on. Use discretion...
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Title The title is good. It's specific and concise.
Cover I like your cover! It's probably my favorite out of all the ones I've seen. +1 for that and you're at 1.
Blurb Your blurb is a bit vague. However, in retrospect, it serves its purpose, I suppose. You could mention something about the two realms and how they were curious to go outside their boundaries. Don't be too vague, but don't be too revealing as your story has one part and the plot line is very simple.
*since your story comes in one part, I'll be poring over that with all of my strength!*
The Angel and the Demon The first thing I have to say is that the second sentence is a run-on sentence because the second clause is independent (it can stand alone as a sentence). That would mean that you would need a coordinating conjunction (ask in the comments if you'd like a list), but you don't have one. You could use a semicolon and it would work or you could use a period and separate the sentences.
The fifth paragraph's second sentence isn't actually a sentence at all; it's a fragment. This means that it's missing an essential part of speech (noun or verb, etc.) in this case, you're missing a noun (and probably a linking verb like "was," but the lack of a linking verb isn't what makes the fragment a fragment in this case). You could add the noun and linking verb, or you could connect the fragment to the sentence before it with a comma and the word "each" after the comma.
"The more she came closer..." isn't really working for me. The "more" seems redundant to me and the entire clause just sounds unnatural. I think some rewording would make it sound a lot better, like, "The closer she came..."
The hot and cold feelings could be described in further detail in only the first place it's mentioned when they initially start to go over to the other realm to really get your readers placed in the empathetic seat that makes reading so exciting. "She got hot" for example is just plain, don't you think? "Beads of sweat formed almost instantaneously on her forehead as she took even just one step away from her realm." Doesn't that place you in the scene more than just "it was hot?" -1 for those accumulating errors.
I don't really get the point of asking the rulers of the realms about the other realm. If it answered all of their questions, then why would they go to the boundary? Why would they have the curiosity about the other realm in the first place? If there are valid reasons, explain to us a bit.
None of the commas are needed in the paragraph after "she was burning."
Also, it doesn't make sense to me why the Angel would smile at the end and why the Demon frowned (is it truly capitalized or was this done to "name" them?). Elaborate just a touch so that we know their motives but not enough to lose your poetic and minimalistic style that I really enjoy your use of here.
I get that they needed each other at the end as it said, but why? Why do they need each other? I mean, they both died. Why would they need each other as they die? Elaborate a touch, like I said before. -1 for all of those accumulating ideas.
I liked the idea and the situation. I liked the contrast of the hot and cold with demon and angel, too. I was impressed by how you got me to think, especially at the end with the way you wrapped things up in a full circle. +1 for making your tiny piece of writing a piece of literature nonetheless. I appreciate that.
Overall, SuperDuperSparkly got zero points! Yes, this was definitely because it only one part. Your way of thinking in this piece was admirable, and I enjoyed reading between the lines in this one. There was a lot of thought in there that I liked seeing. That doesn't happen very often, especially on "common" Wattpad. Nice work!
