Atlantis Package
Amanda Welking Part 1
This was actually a good first part in terms of introducing your story in an interesting way. You caught my attention. I'm impressed with you! +1 for that!
You do have a lot of grammar problems though, I'm afraid (run-on sentences in particular). To help with this, consider using an online grammar-checker like Grammarly.com. All you have to do is copy and paste (or download as a software on your computer) and it'll tell you what to change. Keep in mind that it won't catch everything and that sometimes it's suggestions don't work. You could also have a semi-experienced proofreader to help you.
You have a lot of dialogue issues, too. You can only use a comma before the dialogue or at the end of it and a lowercase letter to start the line when the tag preceding or receding it is a dialogue tag. That means that the tag has to refer to saying the dialogue (like "he said" or "she asked"). Anything else is an action tag, which requires periods and capitalization. -1 for those grammar mistakes. Your total is zero.
You should either say Mister or Mr., not mister.
I don't think you should use words in all caps. Italics should do the same thing and it'll look more professional. If you really need more emphasize, use your words to describe it!
You caught me off guard with the shooting! Great job with that. +1 and your total is 1.
Every time you start a new line, you need to indent it consistently like I just did with that space up there.
This is incorrect. Incorrect!
Amanda Welking Part 2
You use "the Black Mask" too much for me. You could easily use something like "man" or "thug."
Woah! I did not expect Amanda to kill Scott. That was a good twist, but I would have liked to hear why she wanted to kill him. Killing is usually a last, desperate resort. Still...+1 and you're at two.
Poppy Moreau Part 1
Oh, I like how you chose one of the performers to write from! +1 and you're at four.
Keep in mind the difference between "your" and "you're," and make sure you aren't writing run-on sentences.
I liked how we got to see the chaos from Poppy's point of view. It's interesting and you did a great job of not really repeating what happened in the first chapter. Nice work! +1 and you're at five.
Poppy Moreau Part 2
I liked the idea of a competition and the twist with Adele! That was a good twist to add.
I do think that you need a more realistic transition of emotions for Poppy, though. She goes from wanting to save people to wanting to kill them in a matter of one sentence. She also goes from shaking with fear to strutting with complete confidence. She needs some doubt and some thought. Give her a voice! -1 and you're at four.
Elias York Part 1
The lengthy descriptions are hardly needed; they make readers skim through your writing, something that you don't want. The readers don't need to know what colors every single bottle at the bar is or what color his waistcoat is. It's unnecessary. If you really want to add it, you should integrate it throughout your story rather than putting it all in one block. -1 and you're at three.
However, I love Elias' character.
Overall
I think this is my favorite work of yours that I've read so far. The plot line progression was good, your character development was okay, and your language is getting better. You made me feel what your characters were feeling at some points, which is a great sign. +1 and you're at four.
Grammar and language usage are really your biggest issue with this story. With grammar, I think an online checker or a semi-experienced proofreader would do you good. Make sure that you capitalize titles and the starts of sentences (be careful about dialogue—some lines need to be capitalized) and that your sentences aren't run-on. Make sure that your dialogue is blocked together or bookending the paragraph. With language usage, the biggest problem was descriptions. They should either be condensed, deleted, or integrated throughout the story.
Also, make sure that these main characters' stories are relevant to the overall plot-line. -2 for those things.
Overall, Grimwall got two points!
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Librum de Periculum - CLOSED
Random"The Risk Book" CLOSED All feedback contained here is pure opinion; some of these opinions have changed over time as the reviewer has since received professional training, but this book remains posted for the authors to look back on. Use discretion...
