Librum de Periculum - CLOSED

Eskákie: An Introduction to Calix by @TheConfusedTurtle

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Worries: execution of plot fail and writing not so great as time goes on

Chapter One
The first thing I see is an isolated participial phrase, which is impossible to have as a stylistic fragment. Therefore, it's incorrect. All you have to do to fix it is change the -ing verb to a verb in past tense.

The second thing I see—stepping away from the actual plot at the moment—is a run-on sentence, which is comprised of two independent clauses and is usually missing a coordinating conjunction (although some people miss the commas, too). If you see two clauses that can stand alone, you must put a coordinating conjunction and a comma, a semicolon instead of the comma, or an em-dash instead of the comma. If you'd like more clarification, comment below.

Keep in mind the difference between "then" and "than."

Other than those things, you present a pretty compelling world filled with prejudice, separation, and apparent fear of authority (although both deities Tiamat and Bahamut are from Dungeons and Dragons according to my research as I knew the names sounded familiar—is this fan fiction, or...?). As far as I can tell, it's unique and interesting. Although your style could use some spicing up (which I'll talk about a little later), you've interested me enough to make me want to go on.

Since you have both negative and positive elements in this chapter, they balance each other out. No points will be given or taken for this chapter.

Chapter Two
Chapter Two, though less exciting, characterizes Calix a lot more in a different lens than being a victim and an outcast, which I enjoyed. He was curious, intelligent—his own individual. I liked that. The new character, Kase, was also enjoyable with his warm spirit and nurturing personality so far. 

What I liked less about this chapter than the previous one was the level of interest it gave me. I understand why the plot would be less interesting considering the context, but the writing itself should still be interesting to read for me (who loves to appreciate literary devices!). The prose was lacking variety and poise, which is something for blossoming writers to master with hard work. 

Something you can strive for in the future, for example, is sentence variety. You usually write sentences starting with nouns, for instance, and there are hardly any punctuation marks in the middle like dashes and whatnot. Did you know you can start a sentence with a form of every part of speech (participles or gerunds as "verbs," nouns as nouns, and so on)? I used to play a game where each number of a die was a different part of speech that I would start the next sentence with as a writing exercise to try and write with more variety. With that same game, I corresponded the numbers with type of sentence, too (simple, compound, etc.). While you certainly don't have to do that for an actual story, it might be a good tool to use for random writings or just practice in general. 

Once again, the pros and cons of this chapter balance point value out. No points as of yet, once again.

Chapter Three

There was a voice in Chapter Three "translating" Kase's English or whatever language it is to Calix—at least, that was what I gathered from it—that you spent one paragraph on, dismissing it as some type of blessing from Bahamut. Well...I think you need to elaborate a lot more on that. Is it strange to Calix? Miraculous? Does this type of thing go on a lot in the world of your story? Why would Calix believe it's a blessing from Bahamut? Even readers who have already been immersed in your world should get more of a taste of this "voice," I think, even if it does turn out to be Imago's doing. I believe this is a flaw in your world-building, which you were doing a pretty good job of in the last chapter with sacrifices, deities, species, etc.