Cetador Package
*since your story comes in six parts, I'll be reviewing each separately*
Welcome
I don't have much to say here, but can we appreciate how you told us what was going to happen and let us know we could skip it? I personally don't like face-claims etc. because I like to visualize characters as I read, so the warning was nice. Moving on to the actual content.
Prologue
Okay. Time to talk about dialogue and action tags. Dialogue tags have to do with the thing being said, like "he said" or "he asked". The end of the dialogue before a dialogue tag should end with a comma instead of a period (save question marks, exclamation points, em-dashes, ellipses). Therefore, the first word of the tag is not capitalized (save proper nouns). Action tags do not pertain to the thing being said (like "he scratched his head"), so the period is okay as is and the first word of the tag is always capitalized.
"The following will be a dialogue tag," he said.
"This is an action tag." He shrugged.
I also spot a run-on sentence, which can be fixed by adding a coordinating conjunction after the comma or changing the comma to a semicolon, period, or an em-dash.
Okay! Now that I've finished the prologue, I have a few things left to say about it.
Firstly, the verb tenses in this prologue are used a little strangely at times. It's present tense, but sometimes you switch to past tense
I did like the nostalgia of the prologue. It was very much a classic best friend relationship, which I related to, so I liked it. For this reason, no points will be given or taken. Moving on!
Chapter One
I like the nostalgia of the italicized part, linking the past to the present narrative. However, there were several run-on sentences in that portion in particular.
September 2nd sits right around Labor Day. I don't know what country this story takes place in and if the futuristic time period changed anything, but Labor Day means no school in my country, the USA. I don't know if that means anything, but there's that.
Okay. I went ahead and finished the first chapter.
Firstly: you said you were concerned about info-dumping in your author's note at the end. I think this is still a concern for me. Info-dumps are bad because they halt the plot from progressing. The more time you take to explain things, the less connected your readers will become to characters, setting, and plot no matter what the dump is about. When you look over your chapter next time, think of ways you can integrate information seamlessly into your piece. Dialogue—even before or after is—is a good place to put info, oftentimes, because it transitions smoothly for the most part. Don't forget that descriptions can sometimes be info-dumps in disguise!
I did like the emotion, and despite the info-dumps, I liked what I learned about the school and the world around your characters. I'm relating to your character even if your story is like a futuristic Harry Potter so far (the houses thing is a bit cliché, but I'm letting it slide). For this reason, no points will be given or taken.
Chapter Two
I spot the usage of "you" in the narrative form. This is usually considered something you shouldn't do because you're not actually talking to the readers directly. You're not saying readers need to take the compulsory class to pass. You mean that every student needs to. Or the main character needs to. It's not necessarily that the "you" is wrong because it doesn't look professional, even though that's sometimes how it appears. It's that it's logically incorrect and doesn't make sense to use it. I use it in my review book because I'm speaking directly to the author—you.
Another thing I see is an isolated participial phrase. "Her eyes making me squirm", for example, can't stand alone by itself. It must be preceded or proceeded by an independent clause, something that can stand alone.
Would the IERAM really put out a tweet as their official statement about Jamie's death? Why not a different, more professional medium? Also, is Twitter a thing in the future still?
The part speaking about Kailyn remembering when she woke up in the hospital should be in past perfect tense ("had done", "had asked", etc.). This is because you're referring to a previous point in time other than the time that is being narrated. For these things, I'm taking a point off. Your total is negative one.
Chapter Three
There are more run-on sentences in this chapter than usual.
I went ahead and read this whole chapter. Two things:
Info-dumps. The info-dumps are a little discouraging. Not only do they disconnect your reader from your story, but they distance your reader from them. Info-dumps press pause on the story and start explaining things about it, as if you were to pause a movie and start explaining what's going on to your friend who's trying to watch and experience the movie.
Emotion. I liked the emotion in this chapter a lot. I'm going to talk about developing your characters to highlight that emotion and make it more impactful later, but know that I liked the emotion in this chapter.
Chapter Four
I binged this chapter after I read that Kailyn made up her mind about becoming a vigilante for her cause. Good job for interesting time and getting into the action! However, it would have been more powerful if 1) you'd built up to Kailyn's decision more and 2) made the decision more emotional.
You did well with the teacher planting the idea of vigilantes into Kailyn's head, but there wasn't much thought in terms of Kailyn being the one to be that vigilante. The thought was that someone should do it. I predicted that Kailyn would be that one eventually, but she barely thought about it being her. I also questioned her preparations. The fact that she took her personalized gear and weapons from the school—would that not give away who the vigilante is? And when she spray-painted the staff—would that not give away the fact that the vigilante attends the school? Kailyn also noticeably acted strangely around her friends. Although it's understandable, it just seems that Kailyn gave hardly any thought as to secrecy throughout her preparations besides not telling anyone. Yes, her cryokinesis is a unique feature that will help conceal her identity, but nothing else was really done with much care.
That being said, the ending to that chapter was a good one, and I've been enjoying the plot so far overall. Despite the lack of development in some respects, the plot progression so far has been pretty good. Pacing could use a little work (make sure everything has a purpose!), but it's a good foundation nonetheless. I'm adding a point for that.
@skybandit01 got zero points! You have a great start. Plot is interesting, characters are relatable, and your grammar and format are decent (those run-on sentences are what's killing you!).
YOU ARE READING
Librum de Periculum - CLOSED
Random"The Risk Book" CLOSED All feedback contained here is pure opinion; some of these opinions have changed over time as the reviewer has since received professional training, but this book remains posted for the authors to look back on. Use discretion...
