"The Risk Book"
CLOSED
All feedback contained here is pure opinion; some of these opinions have changed over time as the reviewer has since received professional training, but this book remains posted for the authors to look back on. Use discretion...
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Title The title is nice. It's not anything special, but it fits well and it's simple. No points given or taken, though.
Cover Ahaha, well, I don't think I'm allowed to give points for a cover I made on my shop because I made it to my liking, so...no points given or taken. :)
FYI: readers, if you like the cover you see, go check out the cover shop next door and shoot a request!
Blurb Your blurb is quite good. There's one sentence, however, that's a bit choppy (the one that mentions Noah Mattingly). I think you should word it a bit differently to make it more fluent to read. Consider rearranging the phrases or rewriting it altogether. You don't need to say that the lowercase was on purpose, in my opinion. Many other stories of the same thing, so I think readers should be accustomed to it. It's an established aesthetic for people.
Like I said, though, your blurb is quite good. You instantly capture my attention and introduced the character, his ability, and the conflict easily and simply. I'm going to give you a point for that, although this story seems very familiar and maybe cliché. I wonder if you got your story from a prompt online. If so, perhaps you should mention it in your blurb. I'm still giving you a point, though, because I liked the blurb either way.
*Since your story comes in two parts, I'll be judging them both separately*
Chapter One In terms of plot, this first chapter is quite nice. You introduced the conflict again in a good way. +1, and you're at 2.
Little note: Mili and Milo are very similar named that could easily get confused.
You mentioned that you tend to tell and not show. I have to agree. I understand that it's a hard concept to incorporate, I really do. A tip: enigma. Enigma is a good thing in moderation and when it's skillfully placed. Don't let the reader know everything about your character(s). Let them find out through the plot, and integrate little traits throughout the story, not just in the first chapter and not just in one or two paragraphs. -1 point for showing and not telling, although you already know that this needs to be fixed. I hope my advice helps! You're at 1 total.
Chapter Two Tip: when using ellipses (the dot-dot-dot "..."), you must connect the ellipse to the next phrase. Like this...and this. It's a common issue, though, so I won't take any points away.
It might be a good idea to remove the dialogue part in the "flashback" with Lou. It's too small to have dialogue, and too small to put in italics. The perfect present continuous tense is probably your best bet ("had," etc.), which is what you did. Good job identifying that. Reword the dialogue so you don't need it ("she had told me that...").
Also, the stutters in Noah's speech are honestly a bit irritating. You don't tell why the stutters are there and continue to be present throughout the rest of the chapter. And if they're going to be there, they shouldn't seriously be every other word. You should make them inconsistent and random if you must have them in Noah's dialogue. I'm going to have to take a point away for that. Breaking even.
In terms of point of view, I think you should consider putting the chapter in Maverick's point of view instead of Noah's. This eliminates the error you have in which you switch to Maverick's point of view when he sees the numbers counting down to zero. Either switch the point of view to Maverick's, or take out the part they says that Maverick saw the numbers tick down. Just stop when he tells Noah not to move. Then in the next chapter, the numbers would tick down to zero.
I'm actually very relieved that you started with the action right away. I'm very intrigued to see where this goes and why Noah doesn't die. Nicely done, capturing my attention right away and sustaining it. +1 point for that.
In total, @teealtears got one point! Don't be discouraged about this. :) I think that you didn't get a lot of points because your story you submitted was so short! Write every day to improve, and the more you publish, the more popular your story will get. I believe that you're on the right path to becoming a great author. You have a nice style, and skills with grammar and development of plot and character. Nicely done!
