"The Risk Book"
CLOSED
All feedback contained here is pure opinion; some of these opinions have changed over time as the reviewer has since received professional training, but this book remains posted for the authors to look back on. Use discretion...
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Title I like it. Concise, yet telling.
Cover I love the image you chose, but I wish that the image was smaller so the title could stand out more and I almost wish you had made the cover darker. For some reason, dark covers are always favored (they fit all sorts of genre moods, from steamy nights to ominous tones). That obviously isn't a must, but it's definitely something to play around with and see how you feel about it. I also wish you had chosen a different font than Waterlily. Yes, I can see how it fits with the image a bit, but the look of it just makes the cover seem unprofessional. That isn't to say your story isn't professional! It's just my first impression of it. Like I said, though, I love the image and would love it even more if it was a bit smaller and more vibrant.
Blurb I love it, but it wouldn't work as something you'd see on the back of a paperback (and I appreciate the trigger warning). Look into adding more and telling us what this whole story is generally going to be speaking about. Tell about the plot journey. What happens that might make us readers want to open your story and read? There are tons of stories like yours in the public reading pool right now, so make yours stand out for the better!
*since your story comes in nine parts, I'll be reviewing two at a time (because of the author's note at the end), coming to four portions of review*
Chapters 1 & 2 The first thing I have to point out is your structural issues. Each time you start a new line, you should either indent of leave a space between paragraphs. For instance... This is illegal. However, this is legal.
This is also legal (and I apologize for the inconsistency, but it's for your own reference). However, you do it correctly later, which is why I don't understand why you didn't do it correctly in the first "paragraph." Make sure you stay within the law of writing!
Also, make sure that you start a new paragraph every time a new character speaks. If you don't, it could confuse the reader about who's talking. Make sure that your ellipses (...) are always three dots...and that they directly connect to the next clause like this. For these accumulating errors, I'm taking a point off. Your total is negative one.
Other than those things, the first part was heartfelt. I liked the emotion that you hit us with from the very start.
Nice starting line to the second chapter. This was touching, as well (but with the same structural and grammatical issues). +1 for those things and you're breaking even.
Chapters 3 & 4 I love the part at the beginning where Josh is being eaten away by guilt and not just the cancer. That's a powerful line. +1 and you're at one.
However, make sure that your sentences aren't run-on sentences. Writing with accurate grammar takes some outside studying and practice. -1 and you're at zero again.
Chapters 5 & 6 Oh my gosh. Josh's death was so intense and heart-breaking. It's impressive that you managed to get your readers to fall in love with your character in a matter of just a few chapters. I gasped when he died and almost cried. +2 for that—I never cry on anything! You're at two.
Chapters 7 & Epilogue (including author's note) And suicide? A heart-wrenching twist. Leading up to the bridge was chilling and suspenseful.
I didn't expect her to do it and now I'm crying. He told her to carry on and she didn't. Wow. I'm speechless. Great job drawing emotion from that. +1 and you're at three.
Overall, Silentlyfallingdown got three points! The reason you didn't get more was because of those structural and grammatical issues. If you hadn't had any of those mistakes, your total would have been five. All of those aside, I think that something to look into (if you decide you want to) would be more language to your writing. You definitely have soul and voice; learn how to control that and morph it into a beautiful art form. You have your great moments, but there are also times of "bland" writing (it's not bland, but it's not groundbreaking material, either). Describe the pure anguish and helplessness. Describe the agony behind the face. Don't say that "her eyes stung with tears from the sadness, looking down at his peaceful face." Say that "his figure looked frail, like a marionette with one string left. She tried to take ahold of the string, to will him to life, but to no avail. A feeling of helplessness sunk through the quicksands of dread, her eyes burning as she stared at his peaceful, dying face." You see what I mean? Form your words into something beautiful and chilling, but be careful of purple prose. Make sure that you're carrying the plot through with everything that you say. I would also suggest making memorable scenes aside from Josh dying and Lilly committing suicide. Decide what your message is for this story and formulate it. Good luck!
