"The Risk Book"
CLOSED
All feedback contained here is pure opinion; some of these opinions have changed over time as the reviewer has since received professional training, but this book remains posted for the authors to look back on. Use discretion...
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Genre: Horror (Note: typically, I don't accept horror novels)
Title I'm not quite sure what "Darknet" means, but I know it has something to do with a darker version of the Internet. It does make me curious, though, so no points given or taken.
Cover I quite like your cover, actually. I love the font of the title, especially. The blue icon above it is pretty cool, too. +1 point for a good cover! Nice job!
Blurb In my opinion, your blurb needs a bit of an improvement. Yes, exclamation points can mean excitement, but that doesn't mean that they're appropriate all the time. I think that you could easily replace those marks with periods. This would convey a sense of seriousness, which I think is needed (especially since it's a horror book). As for the content, I'm a bit confused as to what the Darknet is, exactly. What makes it so dark? What is this story about? I don't think you answer these questions, but no points given or taken.
Now that I've read the story, make sure to tell the readers about the unique formatting of your story (that each part is a post on Darknet). I started reading thinking that your whole story was about Darknet!
Moving forward. *since your story is only five parts, I'll be critiquing each chapter separately*
Chapter 1: I Saw Something Currently, I see an issue with run-on sentences. Perhaps you know what that is (if not, look it up and learn more about them; I won't take up space explaining what they are). For now, I think that whole first "sentence" could be separated into many sentences. You see?
It's not realistic for the main character to be sobbing just because her "friend" Taylor told her not to wear dress she wanted to. Also, Taylor is not a very realistic "villain," if you see what I mean. She has no motive to why she's doing all these means things to the main character.
As I've said before, you don't need that many exclamation points. This is a consistent error in your story. They do convey excitement, but I think your story could use some more seriousness. I would replace almost all of those points with periods. For that, I have to take a point away. You're breaking even, now.
Now I see why this is a horror book. Wow. The main character is really messed up, and so is Simon.
Chapter 2 There doesn't need to be hardly any of the descriptions you write in this chapter. Why would the readers want to know what size the main character's room is, or what color her bedsheets are? These descriptions take away from the real plot. You mention that the readers might wonder why you wrote all of those descriptions, and you're right. I did wonder why, because they're totally pointless to include! The readers don't care about every square inch of the main character's room. What about the murders from earlier? What about Simon? I'm throughly confused about why you wrote that whole section. For the descriptions that meant nothing to me and lost a lot of my interest, I have to take a point off. You could delete most of those, and the story would move at a much faster rate (and keep it interesting for the readers!). You're at -1 point now. Sorry!
You also use question marks incorrectly. I realize that the media has recently used question marks to signify a heightening of pitch in the voice, but that's not what it's for. Especially in a novel. Question marks are for questions only. No points given or taken, but an extremely skeptical glance and a shake of the head.
I must admit that the breathing closet with the eyes scared me a bit, so cheers to doing your job as a horror writer.
I have to say something to you, now. I had no idea that your chapters were really just "posts" on Darknet until the end of Chapter 2. Note that it shouldn't be this way. I should have known from the blurb what the format was like, but I was confused and wondering when in the world the concept of "Darknet" was going to come in until your second chapter! I think you should work on making this formatting very clear in your blurb: tell the readers that each chapter is a post on Darknet in a creative way. Now that I think about it, you sort of did that in the blurb I read. However, it wasn't clear enough. You've already read my critique about the blurb above, though. For this muddiness, I have to take a point off. It was just a complete surprise to me about the formatting. I had an "ohhhh" moment. I'm sorry, but you're at negative two points.
Chapter 3: Sinners Should be Punished I'm not sure why you include the Sunday-being-the-day-of-rest part. It's not necessary and doesn't even pertain to the rest of the chapter. It has no relevance. No points given or taken, but a tsk-tsk-tsk for being inaccurate with your facts and for choosing ones that have nothing to do with the chapter.
The button part did take me by surprise, I must say, so good job for that! However, you don't need to include the "boom" parts. You can simply describe the loud noises of the explosions to the readers using more than one word. :)
Chapter 4: The Weston Call Your writing has improved on this chapter. The call and the crime scene afterwards with Emma's body actually scared me, so I'm going to give you a point. Also, props for including the Jack of Hearts again! That got me interested once more. Also, I like the name of the villain. Very clever. So, now you still have -1 point.
Chapter 5: I Am in Control I did like this chapter. I'm giving you one point for scaring me in it, and making the ending a good cliffhanger that I hadn't expected. You broke even.
So, in total, burnhope got zero points. I'm so sorry! Your story definitely has the potential of becoming something pretty cool. I like the format; it's unique to me, and something I've never seen before is a good thing. What you should work on is grammar, realism, being clear, and writing the necessary things that move the plot of each post along (taking out the lengthy descriptions that aren't needed, facts that don't pertain to the plot, etc.). Overall, "Darknet" got better as I read, so props to you for that!
