"The Risk Book"
CLOSED
All feedback contained here is pure opinion; some of these opinions have changed over time as the reviewer has since received professional training, but this book remains posted for the authors to look back on. Use discretion...
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Title Your title is creative and interesting, but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with your story do far. You may have been planning on telling us later, so I'm not taking points off, but make sure that your title pertains to the story in some way.
Cover Well, I can't give you points for a cover I made you—however much I like it—but I'm glad that you requested a cover from me.
Blurb Your blurb is strewn with grammar mistakes (mostly run-on sentences and ellipses errors), but the content is mostly good. However, the quotes at the beginning are unnecessary and plain in comparison to the rest of the blurb. Choose something exciting! Draw in the reader!
*since your story comes in 15 parts, I'll be reviewing three parts at a time. However, I'll be reviewing the four parts before the actually story first*
NEXUS-update schedule Why is your copyright information formatted so weirdly (on mobile, anyhow)?
Your warning about the cussing is unprofessional in comparison to the copyright information right before it. Keep up your good regime!
You shouldn't need a cast list of your characters. Firstly, you've got a list of cast members in the previous part that anyone can look at if they want to. If you can't remember, then write it down somewhere else. Secondly, the readers won't ever need to know that information and they won't ever want to know that information beforehand because they will learn the characters as they go.
That being said, you don't need the celebrity cast for the same exact reasons added to the fact that it's too repetitive. You already have a cast list that you put in your copyright page.
You could easily put your update schedule on the copyright page to avoid a turnoff for the readers. You've practically wasted four parts! Too much forethought will make readers give up. They opened your story to read your story. Don't you dare disappoint them! Sure, they can skip over it, but it will always be irritating to new readers. And besides that, it's old information. Accumulate your ideas. Do not make it too much. Keep it extremely brief. For all of those accumulating errors, I'm subtracting a point. Your total is negative one.
Chapters 1-Important Information You need to eliminate those extra dots in your ellipses (...). Ellipses are only three dots. No exceptions! Please fix this. So many writers on Wattpad make this mistake that it's one of my worst pet peeves. Three dots. This is a consistent error of yours.
Once again, your writing is full of grammar and mechanical issues. Dialogue in quotes must have an end-mark. Whenever a different character speaks, a new line must be made. This is also a consistent error.
"Like this."
Lists must have an "and" before the last item. Be careful not to write run-on sentences. Grammar takes practice, yes. But don't forget that spellcheck and grammar-checkers exist online. I use Grammarly.com for free when I'm unsure of something. Make sure that your proofread things before you publish them, too. Please be careful!Grammar issues are one of the most prominent things that turn readers away from your story. For all of those things, I'm subtracting another point, making your total a negative two.
Other than that, your idea and the scene that you started with was good. It was an exciting battle and an intense interaction with the others there. I just wish that you had written with more emotion, setting, and poise—especially at the part where her dad dies. She cries out and then seems to forget about it! There's no mention of it afterward in that chapter. That would never happen in reality. Make sure you have a plan of what will happen before you write (after you grow as a writer, this planning will come naturally as you write. For now, practice doing in beforehand). Make sure that the plan is realistic, as well. For the exciting scene (for the most part), I'm giving you a point. Your total is a negative one.
You should try not to switch your point of view so many times in one chapter. This makes it way too confusing for the reader, and it's irritating for readers when each switch only takes up one or two paragraphs. It makes it hard for readers to follow with the overall plot line, as well. Try to choose one or two characters for each chapter. Their portion should either take up the entire chapter or half of it. This is a consistent error.
The "Important Information" part should be deleted since it's new information. The majority of your readers will be new ones, now. They won't have any idea what it means and it won't matter to them.
Chapters 3-5 Finally, a mention of the war that killed her father! What I'm still unclear about is why the war was going on, but perhaps you'll answer this later.
You did a good job of this part all except for the song part. Is it really necessary to put the lyrics in there? It didn't really make any sense. Yeah, she was trying to clear her mind, but putting the song in there just distracts us from the real plot at hand. For the good job on the rest, I'm giving you a point. Your total is zero.
I also wish that you had described the memory of the war a bit more. You could use some vivid language to really bring the memory to life.
Speaking of vivid language bringing things to life, you could use some vivid language everywhere. Writing is one of the liberal arts. Arts. Writing is an art-form. Write like it is! Paint with your words and paint for us. Express. Don't just tell us that something happened plainly. Perform through your writing.
You shouldn't have to tell us that Rita is Jason's foster parent in your author's note. Tell us in the story. You could easily have Jason introduce her to Victoria as his foster mom.
The list of rules in Chapter 5 should be formatted differently. It should be in a sentence format. Use words like "firstly" and such. There's no need to break off the text.
Also, Jason's actions don't make sense in this chapter. If Victoria is really his prisoner, why would he act like he cares about her wellbeing? Why would he be willing to spend money on her? And why would he trust her alone? Doesn't he honk she would escape? And why does Victoria want to go back to him? Why is she willing to put up with him? This prisoner thing doesn't make sense with the context that you're putting it in. Some revision is needed.
Chapters 6-8 Why do they have to go to school? How long are they planning on staying there before Jason turns Victoria in? Why is he staying there at all? Doesn't Jason want to turn Victoria in right away for his freedom or whatever it is? It doesn't quite make sense for me. I don't think it's working for the plot that you set up for yourself. For those accumulating unrealistic things, I'm taking a point off. Your total is negative one.
"Nodding in the negative" is just shaking the head, not nodding.
Chapters 9-10 Why did you switch from first-person point of view to third-person point of view? You should decide which point of view to do and stick with it throughout your entire story. You should try to remain consistent as to not confuse your readers.
I did like the moon goddess part, but I didn't understand why it was put in there. Perhaps you would explain later in the plot, but I didn't understand it.
However, you did a decent job with the race between Laura and Victoria, so I'm giving you a point. Your total is zero.
Overall, BlazinPhoenix got zero points! I really think that you should use Grammarly.com or some other grammar-checker online (you should also edit your chapters before you publish them or get a friend to edit them for you). I think it would greatly improve your writing, which is full of grammatical errors. Your content is okay, but it doesn't make sense in so many ways. I can't tell if your story is high school drama or medieval prisoner or what. A lot of things just don't make sense—it's like you have two things you want to write, couldn't decide, and just decided to write them together. Be decisive. Be clear. Work on your overall plot and character development, too. It may help to have the entire plot planned out before you write it so you have an overview. This would help things make more sense and would help it flow much better. You need to know where your story leads and what sort of journey it will be. What's the goal of the plot? What does it all lead to? With character development, planning it would make them more relatable and it would help each character to have a clear identity. You definitely have a start, but now you need to start improving.
