"The Risk Book"
CLOSED
All feedback contained here is pure opinion; some of these opinions have changed over time as the reviewer has since received professional training, but this book remains posted for the authors to look back on. Use discretion...
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Genre: Mystery/Thriller Title There's nothing wrong with your title. It's simple and to the point, which is personally a relief to me. :)
Cover Your cover could be made much more professional if you would put your username/pen-name/real name on there like physical, published books do. That way I can tell who it's by with a glance! The cover shop next door is always open. ;)
Blurb Your blurb is quite nice! Intriguing and informal, yet simple and unrevealing. Great job! +1 for the blurb.
*Since this story has eight parts, I'll be dividing the review into four portions of two chapters
Chapters 1 and 2 As I've told you before, the description of characters can be integrated throughout the story rather than including all of the details of a character/characters in one paragraph. No points given or taken, though. Many people make this error.
Many of your grammar issues have been spoken for in your other review, so I won't include them. You're already very aware of these things, but because they're still consistent errors, I'll just take a point off for the whole of your grammar. You already saw it coming. :) Breaking even.
Book titles need to be underlined and capitalized properly (i.e. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde).
The description of the suicide victim was good. I like the detail, although you make it a big run-on sentence. You should separate the description into several sentences.
None of the words in your stories should be all-caps. I understand you want emphasis, especially to elevate volume and tension, but italics will do the same thing for you. Make it lowercase and italicized.
I like Dane's curiosity, but shouldn't he/she be more shaken up by the death of someone at their academy? I would be really shaken up. He/she can and will still be curious, but I think you should still make him/her shaken by the event.
Wow. Dane is really smart.
Chapters 3 and 4 There's no need to include a whole description of the kitchen. It doesn't make progress for the plot and isn't necessary for it. Description is good in small amounts (sometimes big descriptions are appropriate, but rarely).
Iris is suspicious. I like the element that you integrated, a subtle, subtle clue about Iris' real intentions. Well done. +1 point for that.
Chapters 5 and 6 The new character you added was a good idea. Nicely done. I'm very interested... :)
Chapters 7 and 8 I'm sure I've mentioned it already, but here it is: dialogue (and any sentence, for that matter) needs to have punctuation at the end. Whether it's a comma, period, question mark, or exclamation point, something needs to be at the end. You can't just put a quotation mark at the end of the sentence and call it good.
"There needs to be something!" I exclaim, "Otherwise the tone is lost!"
See that? That's an example of what to do. :)
I did not expect that twist of the supply closet. Wow (by the way, the scream doesn't have to be dialogue—you could just say that Dane heard a shrill scream). Good idea, making Aya alive! You scared me when her eyes came into focus and she sputtered. Well done. +1 point for that.
It seems like you describe Aya hanging in the supply closet for hours (from when Dane and Iris see Lindsay's body to when they found Aya seems to be about a day). Death by hanging is a process that only takes minutes at most to kill the person. It's usually an instant death, as it breaks the neck. I understand that Aya held herself up fr a while, but Iris and Dane found her in a "short-drop" hanging situation. That only takes a minute, at most. It doesn't make sense for her to be there that long, even if she could hold herself up for a little while. -1 for this logical fallacy. You're at one point, still.
When Aya tries to describe what the killer looked like, she should use "he/she" and "him/her" and "his/hers" rather than "their" and "them" and "theirs." That way, your readers don't think that there are more than one killer.
I like how you included a picture of the mask. It's nice. However, you don't need to description. The readers can already see what the mask looks like from the picture! +1 for the picture. It fits perfectly with the story.
I think it was a good idea to stick together, but would the superintendents let a guy and a girl room together? I don't think so...right? No points given of taken for that because I'm not entirely sure, but fairly confident. You should look into this. :)
In total, Grimwall got two points on another story! I must say that it was an improvement in terms of grammar and plot process from "Lucid." Good job! It's intriguing, certainly!
You already know that grammar is an issue, so I won't mention it. The rest is conveying emotion effectively and realistically. It's very hard to do. Sometimes, I imagine my characters in a sort of movie to help see what they might do, or I put myself in their situation.
