My Love, My Drug, My Release

Chapter 1: Sing to Me

Just an opening chapter, no trigger warnings.

I sat in the hallway because I thought I might vomit if I had to stay in that room any longer. It was cooler out here, too, and darker. Even with the blinds shut, the blue light of an almost full moon shone through. I don't know if I'd ever seen a perfectly full moon, or only a very close one. Maybe I had, and I'd just been too skeptical to realize it.

"Lo, what are you doing up so late?" Paul had come up from where I assume he'd been drinking downstairs. He didn't seem too out of sorts though, yet, eyes a little foggy but not stumbling or slurring.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Okay, well, you're definitely not going to out here."

I shrugged. I didn't want to explain to him why I didn't want to go back in there and he probably wouldn't've understood it if I did. Both him and Linda had been super caught up with baby Mary lately, and Paul with his whisky and pot, and we'd all been worried about Jack but, I think, it hurt too much to think or talk about it, so we did our best not to. And I had my own shit, obviously. I couldn't help but long for the time before Linda got pregnant and he was trying to impress her and impress me to impress her and wasn't so depressed about all this Beatles crap.

"Well c'mon, I'll tuck you in." I rolled my eyes at that after I turned away from him. I was almost fifteen, I didn't need to be tucked in.

When we got into the room, I felt my heart rate jack up until I could feel it in my throat. That bed looked haunted and the silence was tainted. I could feel him put a hand on my back. I glanced over at him and realized he was barely an inch taller than me. I'd shot up to 5'10" from 5'6" in the past few months and I didn't know if I'd stood this close to him in that time.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

After I forced a nod, he pulled back the sheets and I climbed in. He was about to leave when I caught onto his wrist, feeling the long, thick hairs covering it. "Can you stay with me?"

He looked down at me, face scrunched up in confusion. "Are you scared? I told you not to see The Oblong Box, I said it would-"

"I didn't see the movie. I mean I did, but it was practically a comedy. I'm just anxious and, I don't know, I just don't want to be alone right now." I looked up at him with pleading eyes.

He nodded and held my hand and then just... stood there.

"You can lie down if you want." I rolled over to hide my blush. I meant to say "sit down", not "lie down". I could feel him hesitate before he lifted up the sheet and climbed in next to me. I hadn't really left enough room so he was pretty close to me but I felt it would make it more awkward to move away so I just wiggled around, pretending I was struggling to get comfortable, and shifted over an inch or two.

After about a minute of total silence where I could tell he hadn't closed his eyes or settled in, I decided this wasn't helping, but I still couldn't bear to be alone.

"Could you sing to me Paul?"

"What?"

"Could you sing me a song?"

"I don't know any songs."

"Come off it."

"No, really, I don't."

"Sing me one of yours."

"You know I don't like singing those anymore."

"Just this once."

"I don't want to wake up your mom."

I didn't bother telling him that she was Linda to me. She'd helped raise me and I loved her very much, but I'd never really called her "Mom". It had only gotten moderately touchy for me after she gave birth to Mary, but I didn't want to antagonize him so I just stayed on track.

"Just sing it really soft and right next to my ear, she won't hear."

"I don't know Lo..."

"Please Paul, I haven't slept right in weeks, I won't ask you for anything ever again, just one song really quiet, please." The words tasted too much like begging for me to be happy saying them, but I was nothing if not desperate for something to help me sleep.

"Okay, fine. And Lorraine, you can ask me for anything; I'll always be here for you." He paused. "I might not say yes, but you can ask." He chuckled a little too enthusiastically and I let out a half-second second giggle, at most, before trying to relax.

I felt the bed shift as he propped himself up on his elbow, his chest and stomach pressing against my back, and lowered his face until his mouth was right over my ear. I could smell the alcohol easily now and shivered at the way his beard brushed against my skin.

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night

"Take theses broken wings and learn to fly

"All you life

"You were only waiting for this moment to arise."

He sang it so sweet and soft and his breath warmed the side of my face. I could tell he loved this song and the liquor allowed him to sing without getting overwhelmed by his emotions. It was one of my favorites, too.

It was more of a instrumental song so the words on their own didn't take too long to get through, until the end, when he repeated the chorus. I could tell the full effect of the whisky was hitting him. He started slurring and then, before finishing entirely, he sort of dozed off. His head lowered to lay parallel with mine, the weight noticeable but not uncomfortable. In his last seconds of consciousness, when I'm sure he had no sense of who or where he war, he wrapped his arm around my waist, sliding under the t-shirt I was wearing until his large, warm hand lay flat on my stomach. At first I had trouble breathing and worried this whole thing was for nothing, that I was too worked up and I wasn't going to get to sleep after all, and then I felt him more or less go limp, arm still around me but not so engaged. I just let myself breathe and replayed his song over and over in my head until I fell asleep in his arms. 

So, this is going to be a slow buildup in terms of getting all the information. We'll also be jumping in time and between Lo and Paul's point of view, though mostly it'll be Lo's. I plan on updating this about once a week (I'm a freshman in college so I'll do my best).

Vote, comment, and check out my other Beatles Fanfic if you want!