My Love, My Drug, My Release

Chapter 55: The Truth

I woke up in my own bed without knowing how I got there. Again. I'd become a sad joke, a parody of drug addict, the kind you'd see in a sad movie at an art house theater. My head throbbed and my stomach rolled, and I wondered- not for the first time- if the high was worth crash. My body shouted a resounding, "No!" at me, but the problem is, I never remembered this feeling when I wanted to use. Snorting H or taking a cab to Mick's never felt like a conscious decision. I didn't want to do it until after I'd already done it.

"Are you awake?"

I turned in the direction of the voice, initially not recognizing it. When I saw my brother's face, I nearly groaned at my stupidity; of course it was Jackson, he'd shown up at school, took me to Keith's flat. "Yes, I'm awake. Thank you for bringing me home."

"Don't thank me, I was glad to. Can I lie down?" I nodded, and he heaved himself off the floor with a grunt, lying down on the side of the bed still made. "Your voice has changed."

"Like, gotten deeper?"

"No." He chuckled. "You sound more English."

"We've always been English."

"Yeah, but you were starting to sound like a proper Yank after living in New York for all those years. Now you're back to normal."

I smiled despite myself, burrowing deeper into the sheets. "Your voice has changed, too; you sound Australian."

Jack snorted, rolling onto his back. "Give me a break."

"I'm serious, you've changed."

"I'll take that as a compliment, I wasn't a good guy or a good person, certainly not a good brother." He paused, and I wondered if he wanted me to contradict him, but the moment had passed. "Come back with me, Lo. You can live with Dad and me in Queensland. I know you hate it here-"

"You only think you know that because I said so on a bad day, I don't really feel that way."

His eyes narrowed suspiciously. "You're lying. You're lying to protect them."

"Protect who?"

"Paul and Linda. You think if you admit you hate living with them, they'll see it as a betrayal."

"How did you get so good at reading people?"

"I told you, I changed." Jack reached down and took my hand, giving it a firm, comforting squeeze. "It doesn't matter what they think, you deserve to be happy, and there's no chance of you doing that here."

"You don't know the half of it."

"What does that mean?"

Tears pricked at my eyes, but I blinked them back; my head already ached without me bawling like a baby. What was I supposed to tell him? That I fell in love with the boy who took my virginity and nearly ran away with him? That I let him get me pregnant because I was too retarded to use condoms? I couldn't put into words how crazy those months were, how up and down, a whirlwind of every emotion. What if he laughed at me? 

"I feel indebted to Paul and Linda because they put up with a lot for me since you left. There's so much you don't know about, things I'm scared to tell you because I don't want you to think less of me, but I want to be honest with you. Now that you're back in my life, I don't want any lies between us."

"You can trust me." He rolled over so we were face to face. "I love you."

I took a shaky inhale through my nose, exhaling from my mouth. "You remember Brandon? Brandon Hathaway? You found us together that one night at Uncarbonated. Well, we tried to run away together to Bordeaux to get married, but we got caught before we left the city, obviously- that's why I'm here and not in France."

Even though he clearly wanted to keep a straight face, Jack couldn't control the way his brows shot up to his hairline in shock. I rolled onto my back so I could stare at the ceiling instead of his involuntary judgemental expression.

"Paul told him to never come back again, and he didn't. He wanted to escape this city as much as I did, so I don't blame him, but I did blame Paul, at least for a while." I could stop now, I'd shared enough; I should save the rest of the story for another day. No, if I didn't tell him now, I never would. "After he left, I realized I was pregnant. I knew I couldn't keep it, so I-I-"

"It's okay," he whispered. "You don't have to say it."

Shame flooded every chamber of my body. I pinched the bridge of my nose to try and stop the tears, but they flowed like blood from an open wound. "Do you hate me?" 

"Of course not. I hate Brandon for abandoning you, and I hate myself for leaving you alone and unprotected. Mostly, I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but now you can move on with your life, start fresh."

I shook my head, the throbbing in my skull tripling. "No, I can't, I'm broken."

"Why do you say that?" Jack poked my exposed stomach. "Because you have a few stretch marks now? You have your whole life ahead of you. You're perfect."

I lifted my blankets up to my neck, covering myself. "Thanks for this talking, big brother, but I'm tired again. I'd appreciate some privacy so I can sleep."