Breaking Boundaries

Chapter 17 - Shower With Me

The pitter-patter of the rain hitting the ground from the window was my only distraction to remain calm while I was being pulled away from the fantasy I've been living for the longest. This was whole another reality I was jumping into. I'm sure he felt my veins thump against his hand as he held on to me. Once we got to the bathroom and he let go of me, I reacted faster than anticipated. I didn't make a sound, but I was panicking. My back hit the door, discreetly, and he turned the knob on and immediately, water from the shower head sprinkled down. His back was on me so I couldn't see him.

He wasn't touching me, but it felt like I was being touched in every angle of my body. He wasn't looking at me but it felt like my body was being scanned carefully for something I had no control over. My heart was wild against my chest. I've never been naked for anyone before! I've fantasized about this when I was a little girl because books I've read corrupted me but never did I imagine it for to be real. This real. What was I thinking? Where was the rational part of my brain at when he proposed this to me? His back is still turned towards me, and he's watching the water and humidity fogging the shields. None of us talk, make a move towards each other, look at each other, or take our clothes off. But then he slowly turns and our eyes finally meet.

I grip the edges of my shirt tightly. I don't want him to see my body. I've done things in the past I'm ashamed of and for him to see the aftermath of it scares me. He won't like it, probably will even judge me, and push me away in disgust. Reality would do that. I hadn't thought about this when he asked me to join him in the shower. But, it's not too late to change my mind. Both of us are still clothed. He watches me as if he's trying to read me. Without a word, he inches towards me. I push myself further back against the door. How can you stop a cop from reading faces that have visible emotions? He's looking at me, trying to figure me out. I've slipped away for a moment. Putting a facade, I nervously chuckle.

"I should probably go. Maybe next time—"

"Lift your shirt," he commands, cutting me off. My eyes widen. What? He wants to do this now? Oh, of course. The water is running. I swallow, and nervously smile.

"Eager to get me naked, Mr.Benton? You don't look like—"

"Maya." His voice is lethal and in a warning mode. He's not daring me to lift so he can enjoy my naked flesh, no. He's figured me out, and he wants to see.

"This was a mistake. Please," I try to reason. I should not be here. He doesn't ask me again to lift. He doesn't ask for my permission, either. His hands pounce forward and he grabs the bottom of my shirt. Eyes locked, I try to stop him by placing my hands over his.

"I'm not comfortable," I whisper.

"And I want to know why." He pries my hands away, and lift the fabric all the way over my head. I don't try to cover myself in shame as it engulfs me whole like fire. Up until now no one has ever seen me in my bra or in naked flesh let alone my scars from my past. I shut my eyes tightly as he steps back. Shame, and self-loathe snakes up on me but I make no move. It's better this way maybe.

"You do this?" He asks. I open my eyes to my self-inflicted scars from a small blade. I was very young when I did this and the scars are the evidence of my stupidity and shame. They are long, thin, and somewhat visible for naked eyes and they stretch horizontally across my belly. I'm healed but not all the way and if anyone were to see me down there, they would know. I sigh, sadly.

"Long time ago. Being locked away, and told to let go of my childhood forced me to do this, and this was the only way of coping with reality," I explain. I refuse to meet his eyes now but he pinches my chin, and elevates my head up until our eyes meet.