Breaking Boundaries

Chapter 32 - Lover's Target

Born and raised under a difficult circumstance was bestowed on me because it was destined. All the colors in my life were snatched the moment I was given an empty room. An empty room where I learned to visualize freedom and materialistic things that often times made me happy in gloomy days. My days that turned into years were always gloomy. I didn't know how to react, what to feel, and what to expect for a very long time.

Freedom wasn't mine to hold in my fingertips. The outside world didn't exist. My mother made sure of that. And for all those reasons, without thinking, I put all my frustration and hatred into one emotion towards her: hatred. I hated my mother the moment I even realized what that word meant. She never questioned my hatred towards her and I never stopped. Letting her do her thing was suddenly accustomed to me because I often times believed she was going to be punished after her death not by my hands—but by god. She was weak, sick all the time, and was barely strong enough to take care of me. I often times wished death welcomed her quickly. I hated my mother. The only love I ever gave her was at the very end when I watched her slip into the crematorium oven to be burned and turned into ashes. I shed few tears in the name of my mother and then rejoiced at my newly given freedom. That quick.

I welcome nature's horrific lashing upon me as I mentally and physically prepare for a storm to come my way. The brutal lashing of rain and wind hurts as it hits my face, body, and hair but I don't stop walking. I let my painful tears wash away with the rain. I welcome the numbing of my body as my feet disappear into puddles of water. I'm walking with a baggage of guilt, pain, wide varieties of emotions, and sin. I don't know which one to target but my guilt overlaps everything.

Guilt that brought me to into predicament. And guilt that slowly brought in my sins.

You're the product of rape. One might think this is one of the greatest sin to carry around. Guilt is a sin. I'm guilty for all my decisions made in life that destroyed me. The decisions I made are my sins because I wouldn't be here without it suffering. This is the devil's dome. Everything around here in a sin. I could have terminated you. But you're not a sin. You're mine. For the longest time I kept my pregnancy from him. But for how long?

I found a way out. I shed tears, blood, and flesh to escape from the prison I was in. A chef in the house helped me escape. Keeping you safe was my biggest priority. I left everything for you because that's what a mother does. I never turned around to gather what little bit of wealth I can get. It only reigned havoc upon me. Me. It wasn't for me. But it's for you. And for you to have all that I need to keep you safe. The wealth belongs to you, sweety. All of it. Know why?

Because the will is in your name. And all of it came from my family's hard work, labor, tears, and bloodshed. Money doesn't come from the tree, it's earned with loyalty and with hardship. He doesn't know this. But I'm telling you because you need to take it, honor it, and keep my family's legacy growing with your own family one day. You're one of me. Not him.

I lift my hand and wipe my tears off but my eyes refuse to stop shedding. My dam has broken. My willpower and strength of keeping myself together has been snatched by an invisible force. I reach the shed but stand few feet away. I zero in on the closed door. Instead of walking in, I drop to my knees and let the cold water swallow them. In cue, the door flies open. Caro slips out of her safety zone and into the lashing storm where she bends in front of me. Her hands are on my shoulders and she's shaking me for some reason. Her mouth is moving, words are possibly forming but I can't hear anything. I blindly look at her, my brain zoning out.

Being strict is the last thing I want to reinforce on you. It hurts my heart, and my soul. But if I don't snatch your freedom away from you, and don't hurt you the way it hurts me...I can't guarantee you will ever hate me. And hating me will let me know that you will be alright after I'm gone. And taking everything away from you including public education is the safest thing for you. They're out there. He's out there looking for you. And finding you...