Shattered (Continuation of: The Chase) ▹ Ashton Irwin

Chapter Twenty Four

I layed awake that night, alone in my bed with the only light being the moon that shone through the window. Well, there was also the bright and colorful rays that emenated from the city, but I didn't like to think of the faded neon lights from signs and billboards that come into my room as just another part of this crappy area that I live in. I always liked to think of them as spirits or angels, or just means of company as I layed here by myself. Same thing goes for the moon; as I stay silent, I stare at the moon through the window and it feels as if I was having an actual conversation with it. I know, that's kind of weird to think about...but hey, I'm kind of weird too.

It was 1:00 in the morning, but for some reason I felt wide awake. I had spent the night alone, which was a little sad to me. I wished that Brooke was here next to me, but unfortunately she wasn't. I can't really do anything about it, considering I can't control what her mum lets her do and stuff. But shit, it would have been very helpful if she was here; maybe I could be asleep right now. I don't even know why I am not tired, but for some reason I couldn't stop staring up at the moonlit ceiling. I thought about a lot of stuff as I layed here, and I tend to do that a lot. I thought about my mum, my friends, my girlfriend, and even myself for a little bit.

Ever since my mother left, I've been haunted. Not haunted by something paranormal or anything like that, but I've been haunted by the guilt and dreams I get almost every night. It's a sickly pit that crawls into my stomach and eats away at me every time I think about every single bad thing I've ever done. And I've done and said a lot of bad things in these past years of my life, and at this point I would do absolutely anything to take it all back and start over. But, I can't start over...I can do the complete opposite. I lied to my own mother, and I've lied to myself countless times. Day in and day out for years I brushed off the fact that I was on the verge of becoming fucked up, and maybe that's all I am now.

No I'm not, I thought to myself. I'm not a freak. Even if people at school think of me as that way, I don't care. I shouldn't care, and I don't.

"Yes I do," I sighed, running my hands through my hair and shutting my eyes. I care a lot, and I just hope and pray that everyone has stopped talking about me all together. And I also pray that it won't start happening to Brooke, either. Because she doesn't need the words of other people to bring her down. And, there's nothing about her that people need to talk about. She's not a slut, or a bitch, she's everything but that. And I love that.

And I see it all around as I walk the halls, everyday. People used to look at me with fear and caution, as if I would just beat them up for no reason right then and there. But now, they look at me so much differently. Their eyes are still wide, but filled with confusion and wonder. It looked as if they were thinking, 'what the hell happened to Ashton?' as they watch me. I feel them watching me, and I try my best not to pay attention to it. I've been told to ignore what others think, but how can I if that ever happened to Brooke?

I've screwed up so many times with so many people...but I can't screw up with her. Not this time; I won't let it happen. I can't let anything bad happen to her, like I did to my mother, my once good friend, and myself. And as long as I keep her safe, then maybe all the guilt will go away. As I've always said, Brooke reminds me so much of my mother...

"Fuck." I said aloud, my eyes widening. I shouldn't say that, should I? Now that I know how my mother was in high school, it makes me shudder at the thought of associating them together. Which sucks, since there are so many personality characteristics that are so similar between them. And as I think about that concept a little more, I thought about last week. Brooke was so..angry with me. And even though she was really drunk, her words still hurt my feelings for a few moments.

I could've kept her safe and we could have stayed inside if I wasn't so agreeing last friday, but I was so scared to say no or drag her away from the alcohol. That's the issue; I need to keep her safe, but I'm absolutely terrified of her hating me. She can't hate me...I can't screw up again and loose her for good. If that ever happens, I don't know what I would ever do.