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17

~TRIGGER WARNING~

Richie's POV: 

[1960]

High school is hard. It's even worse when your best friend in the entire world is across the country. Who am I supposed to lean on? Yeah I could lean on any of the other losers but I never showed emotion to them and I refuse to now. Eddie's the only one who's ever seen me cry, I've cried a lot since I left home. Sometimes I want to go home, even though I felt like shit and wanted to die. I didn't feel alone or forgotten. At least they would actually talk to me, so what if it was insults while they abused me. I wasn't forgotten, but here I'm all alone. I hate it, but I'm happy? These emotions confuse me too much.

I walked out the front door with my bike, shutting and locking the door behind me. Eddie gave me a key so if he was 'sick' I could still come over. I got on my bike and starting riding to school, it was cold outside so I wore the one hoodie I own. I remember when I gave it to Diana, the smell of her perfume is still on it. It's weird I know but sometimes it comforts me, makes me think that someone cared about me at some point in my life. When I got to school I saw Bev and Ben talking. Bev was kind of trying to hold Ben's hand I think, I wasn't sure but it seemed like that. I rode past them not wanting to interrupt things, good job Ben! I parked my bike in the bike rakes and walked towards Mike and "Diana?" I said furrowing my brows.

"Richie! How are you?" She wrapped her arms around me, I hugged her back. It felt nice to be in her arms again, I miss the feeling of being loved.

"I'm good, I guess... What are you two doing?" I looked over at Mike, if he was planning on dating my ex he'd be breaking the non verbal non realistic law of the losers.

"We're teamed up for a Science project, we were just talking about it,"
Mike said reassuringly

"Good, " I muttered under my breath

Mike looked at me like I was crazy, "what?"

"Oh nothing!" We kept talking while we waited for school to start. Every once in a while I would catch Diana staring at me. Is she falling for me again?  I mean who wouldn't, I'm the hottest man alive. Perfect hair, perfect bod, the only thing that isn't perfect are these damn glasses. I looked down at Diana and noticed she wasn't wearing a jacket. "Diana, you must be freezing, here." I took off my hoodie and handed it to her, she smiled mouthed the words thank you and slipped it on.

A couple of seconds later Bill, Bev, Ben, and Stan walked over to us. Bev was ready to kill Diana, Ben and Bill were holding her back. We kept talking and nothing happened until Bev looked at me and said, ,"Richie... Why didn't you tell us? " Her eyes were almost glossy, Stan grabbed my wrist and lifted it up to see a couple of scars and cuts. Diana covered her mouth and all I wanted to do was hide.

Bill looked at me, " Wh-Wh-what happened?" All I did was look at him and he understood. Bill was the only one that understood, he's loved and lost before. He's felt this way before, not as bad as me but he understands.

~~~
[1975]

I wiped away my tears and splashed water in my face. That didn't help, 'come on Richie, you're better then this,' I told myself, all of sudden a different voice popped in my head, 'or are you?' I didn't want to have to deal with Pennywise's stupid bullshit again. He's gone, my mind just likes to play games on me. My eyes shifted to the razor blade on the sink counter. 'Go on, take it. Take it. Take it. Take it.' I didn't want to but I did. I grabbed it.

"Eddie used me, just like everyone else." I pressed the blade to my wrist, "my parents hated me, they wished I died in the womb" I began dragging the blade across my skin, letting the crimson blood drip into the sink. "He forgot about me," I cut again. "They hate me, " And again. "I'm just a burden." Again. "No one cares about me, " The bottom of the sink was covered in blood. I stopped when my entire forearm was covered in cuts. The fresh ones still dripped into the sink, I put the blade down, curled up I a ball. And as manly and perfect as I make myself seem, I cried.

~~~~~
A/N:..................... I am so sorry.

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