ART DECO | PHAN

seven.

1/16/17
116.5 lbs.

dan howell was shaking as he opened the door, his face red. he was met with phil's beaming face and he blushed.

"i look awful..."

phil waved him off. dan's eyes roamed over him, he was wearing a tight black t-shirt and his letterman jacket, and jeans. he looked nice.

"no, you don't." he reached out, grabbing dan's wrist. dan's breath caught. "come on."

"i um... i'm actually n-not feeling so well," he managed as phil tugged him out the door.

"dan, stop trying to get out of it. it'll be fine." phil stopped, facing him and putting his hands on his shoulders.

dan was conflicted between melting under even the small touch, and throwing him off and running. how could he not feel how big dan was? how couldn't he see?

"you're gonna be okay," phil continued, raising his eyebrows. "ten minutes, remember?"

dan nodded mutely. phil nodded back.

"alright. let's go."

the party was at a house only a block away from campus. most of the actual activity was in the backyard. dan let phil lead him out, his mind retreating into its own little hiding spot. among supermodels and sleep, and jogging. god, dan really needed a run.

it was loud, and crowded. if this was what parties were like, dan wasn't sure he was very interested.

phil called out to someone, letting go of dan's arm, and dan looked up. it was a girl with perfectly straightened strawberry blond hair; the girl he had run into the other day in his panic. his heart sped up considerably.

the girl was smiling, and she immediately got too close to phil, taking his hand. she went on her toes, kissing the corner of phil's mouth right when she met dan's eyes. dan looked away. eva.

suddenly dan felt like the biggest waste of space that had ever existed, a huge disgusting sore on this party. he turned, rushing off before phil could notice.

he pushed through the crowd, getting increasingly panicky every time he had to shove past someone, or every time someone gave him that look. the one that meant he was the weirdo, he was the jerk who was killing their buzz.

dan felt like he might collapse. he stopped moving, his eyes flickering around as he spun in a circle. there was no way out. there was no way, he was gonna die here. he let out a sob, tangling his fingers in his hair and pulling. why did he always do this? what was the point of being beautiful if you couldn't go to a party without breaking down?

dan gasped when someone bumped into him, and he fell, hitting the ground hard. he curled into a ball, squeezing his eyes shut, preparing to be trampled.

"hey!" a female voice called.

he opened one eye, looking up. a girl was hovering over him, her pink hair nearly falling in his face with its length. she was frowning, and she held out her hand.

"are you okay?"

dan shook his head mutely, taking her hand and letting her help him up.

"hang on, i'll get you out of here."

it was like dan blacked out; he closed his eyes, and when he opened them, he was on the front porch, swaying a bit. the girl pressed a hand to his forehead, and dan stared at her with glazed over eyes. people walked around them into the house, but dan ignored them.

"are you drunk?" the girl asked, frowning, her pierced eyebrow glimmering. dan shook his head. she hummed. "anxiety attack?" dan nodded.

dan nearly fell over, but the girl grabbed his wrist. "here... sit down."

dan obeyed, sitting on the front step and holding his head in his hands. he felt dizzy, and weak... he had a feeling it was a bit more than anxiety.

he could feel her eyes on him.

"i'm katie," she said finally. dan glanced at her, nodding tightly in acknowledgment.

"i'm d-dan," dan said finally, his voice strained.

"oh, i know." she smirked. "you're working with phil on that civilization project. my roommate wants to kill you."

dan looked at her. now that he thought about it, she seemed familiar. she was in his class, of course. she sat a row in front of him.

"y-yeah..."

katie put a hand on his knee, and dan flinched away. "you're lucky."

"w-why?" dan blinked, staring at her blankly. she laughed.

"you're serious?" she shook her head. "everyone wants to be partners with phil, he's like, the most popular person ever. and he's really nice, which is, like, super rare. especially considering who he's dating."

"eva?" dan didn't care if he was asking too many questions, he felt disoriented, and besides, this girl seemed to like to talk.

katie nodded. "yep. she's a bitch, actually. only cares about clothes and dick and girly shit like that, phil not being one of those things." she paused, shrugging. "well, i guess di-"

dan shook his head quickly. "please don't talk about phil's dick."

katie laughed, grinning at him. "pardon me."

dan sighed, tugging on his hair and starting to catch his breath. the air was cool and almost calming and he took another deep breath, closing his eyes.

"not to be pushy," katie said after a moment. "but why come if it makes you panic so much?"

dan shook his head, his eyes still closed. "phil made me."

"phil made you?" her tone was laced with disbelief.

dan nodded.

"jesus," she mumbled, resting her chin in her hand. "maybe he is getting over that girlfriend of his."

dan blocked her words out. she wasn't right- he didn't have a chance with phil, not in a million years. not even in another life. and besides, even if he did somehow, dan couldn't take that chance. he was too ugly, too much work for him. he would be too insecure to be with him.

dan sighed, only somewhat listening to katie talk. the other half of his mind was floating off, to who knows where.

dan wondered when it would be back.