ART DECO | PHAN

thirteen.

1/20/17
115.5 lbs.

dan howell was chewing on his lip again.

he told himself he would stop, it was a bad habit he wanted to break, but he couldn't seem to. sometimes it felt like the only thing that made him feel better.

then again, anorexia felt that way sometimes too. most of the time.

always.

everything felt like a constant thrive, a routine. a constant thrall of i'll eat this now, then i'll run. it won't even count. one bite, you don't deserve more, you ate last night too.

dan counted every time he chewed, methodically forced it down his throat. eating felt like a job and the largest luxury at the same time. he obsessed over every bite like he obsessed over perfection.

it was tiring, but it felt like the only thing he really had control of.

and he did feel like he had control. he had control again. of himself, and of his body.

he was back on track.

katie had presumably decided that they should go to every football game now. apparently it was good for him.

whatever. if it made her happy for him to come, he didn't mind. all he did was doodle in his notebook and watch phil play, after all.

dan was in an oddly good mood as they sat down; near the back of the metal bleachers, as always. katie immediately offered snacks, dan declined. it was all a routine, repetitive, but dan couldn't make himself care. it didn't matter. at least he was used to it.

maybe today was just a good day for him, or maybe phil actually looked like that, but it almost seemed like he was glowing. dan smiled to himself, resting his chin on his hand. katie nudged him.

"shut up," he said without looking.

"i didn't say anything!"

dan rolled his eyes. the thing with her was that she never had to.

dan looked around. everything was about the same as it had been the last time, except...

eva was looking at him. at least, that was what he thought her name was. preppy girl with champagne blond hair? girlfriend of phil lester? the girl currently glaring at him rather harshly?

yeah, that was her.

dan looked away, his cheeks red. what could someone like eva possibly want with him? as far as he could tell, she seemed like the type to start drama, so he decided he definitely did not want to get involved. he just turned back to his paper, sighing and adding to his sketch of a ballet flat, balanced on a glossy wooden floor. he chewed on his lip.

dan had joined ballet when he was five. his mother had decided that it would be a wonderful way for him to make new friends. dan had cried and screamed on the whole drive to the recreation center, but apparently the second he had spotted all those leotards and big frilly tutus, he had fallen in love.

ever since then, dan had been obsessed with all things dance, particularly ballet. the dancers were all so gorgeous and balanced... dan would love to be one of them.

not that that was something he would ever tell anyone. he hid it the way someone would hide that they still watched children's cartoons, or kept stuffed animals nestled between their pillows.

which, now that he thought of it, dan did both of.

dan looked up, trying to think about something else, and his eyes met eva's. she was still looking. the girl huffed, her hair tossed over her shoulder. dan frowned. what in the world could she want?

"what? what are you looking at?" katie stared at him, glancing between he and eva. "what's going on?"

dan sighed. "i don't know. she's staring at me," he mumbled, as subtly as he could manage.

"who? eva?"

dan swore she was shouting, and he flinched. that girl was anything but subtle. he just nodded, hiding his face. he could almost feel her frowning.

"why?"

"i don't know."

"well, ask her!"

before dan could diffuse the situation katie stood up. he scrambled for a hold on her t-shirt to pull her back down, but he was too late. she was waving. he flinched, hiding his face again, his ears bright red.

"hey! eva! why are you looking at dan?"

oh my god.

dan finally managed to tug on her sleeve hard enough to pull her back to the seat, but eva had clearly heard, and she was whispering with another girl. dan cursed under his breath. jesus.

katie seemed perplexed. "what? what did i do?"

"nothing, sweetie."

dan tugged on his hair, his eyes squeezed shut. he could feel the anxiety of the moment flaring up, but he tried to ignore it, push it back down. it doesn't matter. it's okay. it's not like she'll actually-

oh my god.

dan felt it before he heard or saw it; the soft metallic thumps of someone making their way up the steps. it stopped, and dan forced himself to peek out from over the collar of his shirt, downright trembling.

"yes?" he squeaked, looking up at the girl who had her arms crossed over her chest. if dan was into those kinds of people, he might have thought she was attractive.

"stay away from my boyfriend," she said simply, her tone snappy, suggesting there was nothing left to be added to the conversation. scary. "'kay?"

before dan could even think of a response, she was gone.