ART DECO | PHAN

thirty three.

3/1/17
117 lbs.

dan howell pressed his nose against the glass of phil's window, saw phil catch him looking, and pulled back.

he felt childish, but he wasn't ashamed about it. it wasn't a bad childish. it was the kind of childish that made him smile widely without even thinking about it and touch phil without any motive; his hand, his arm, his face. just to feel his skin, just to know he was still there.

he always was.

after about forty minutes of quiet driving (phil hadn't lied, it was a long drive), the truck pulled into a parking lot. it was stuffed with other cars, and through the evening darkness dan could see the outline of a wide theater shaped building. he felt phil's hand on his.

"hey..." his voice was soft, beautiful. "are you okay?" he rubbed his thumb over the back of dan's hand. dan nodded.

"yeah... i'm okay. why, are you?"

"yeah." phil was biting his lip, anxiety sketched on his features. "it's just... there will be a bunch of people in there..."

dan licked his lips. "oh." he nodded slowly. "well, that's okay."

"okay."

phil pushed his door open, stepping out of the car. dan didn't move and phil came around to open the door for him. dan let phil help him out, mostly because it was an excuse to touch him.

phil's face in the blue-purple glow of that evening made him look sort of shadowed and mysterious. the illusion was shattered when phil grinned widely at him. dan smiled back, shaking his head.

when they got to the steps of the theater, phil let go of his hand. dan chewed on his lip nervously, watching him.

"c-can you hold my hand?" he said softly, and phil turned to him, surprised. dan got it; usually he could only stand short periods of contact. but tonight, he didn't want to lose phil in the crowds. besides, the affection he felt for him was tripled right then.

phil nodded, smiling at him and sliding his hand into dan's again. dan was fairly certain he would cross the world for that smile.

phil didn't let go of his hand as they entered the building, or as they stood in line to hand in their tickets. phil was right; the lobby was crowded; but dan focused on his breathing and the feeling of phil's hand in his, and he was okay. the actual theater wasn't as bad. dan sat between phil and a wall, so he was alright.

once they were sitting, dan let out a breath he hadn't really known he had been holding. phil must have noticed because he leaned over, kissing him on the mouth. dan sat up straighter, wrapping his arms around his neck immediately and pulling him closer. this just felt like that kind of night; they could do anything and it wouldn't feel weird or dirty.

dan sighed, relaxing under phil's touch. phil smiled against his mouth, kissing him until the lights started dimming. even after, he held his hand. dan focused solely on phil's fingers as it started.

the ballet was amazing, dan knew that much. but in the first ten minutes, phil pointed to a boy on the stage, leaned over, and whispered "that looks like you!" after that, dan couldn't focus.

the seats didn't have arm rests, so dan was able to scoot over so their sides were pressed together, and rest his head on phil's shoulder. that way he could hear him breathing, feel him shift. it was far more relaxing than it should have been.

phil squeezed his hand gently, turning his head to kiss the top of his head. dan shivered, pressing his mouth against his shoulder and closing his eyes. it felt like this was the most intimate position they had been in; fuck making out on the hood of his car, fuck waist touching and his fingers tapping on phil's chest as they kissed, this was it. this was the only thing dan wanted, right then at least.

phil wrapped his arms around him and dan melted, leaning on him completely.

dan felt phil's forehead against his, he hadn't realized they were so close. phil must have been straining his back quite a bit to even get in that position, so dan straightened up to help him. he could feel phil's breath on his cheeks and he smiled gently. phil felt soft and warm against him, something solid and present.

dan never thought he would have felt this way about anyone. phil opened his mouth.

"i love you."

dan opened his eyes, his breath catching. he must have heard him wrong... phil's eyes were open, watching him.

"what?"

phil nodded so slightly that dan probably wouldn't have noticed if his forehead wasn't pressed against his. "i love you, dan..." he saw his throat move as he swallowed. "y-you don't have to say it back, i know. i know it's soon. it's okay. it's just... it's true." he took a shaky breath and it felt like he was drawing the breath out of dan's lungs when he sucked in. "you're so..." he didn't finish it.

even in the dark, dan could see him blushing. he reached up to feel the heat collected on his cheeks. he felt like crying.

how was he supposed to live his whole life sure, positive, that he would never be loved, just to have phil come along and shatter it? before he had met him he had had so many motives not to eat; he was fat, he was ugly, no one loved him, no one cared... it had been too easy for phil to steal all of his determination, replace it with something healthy. and he was so good, dan didn't think he even knew it. he was so perfect and pure, the cleanest thing in dan's life.

dan surged forward, his mouth falling onto phil's easily, as if they were made to fit together. he heard phil breathe in sharply and he kissed him firmly, as if trying to pin him there.

"you love me?" he whispered when he pulled back, just to breathe.

"i love you," phil repeated back to him. he sounded dazed. dan wanted to hear those words on his tongue over and over again, he wanted to take them and put them in his pocket, imprint them on his eyes so it was all he saw.

he kissed him again.