ART DECO | PHAN

seventeen.

1/22/17
115 lbs.

dan howell had told her. he had panicked, and he had told her.

it was like the words had spilled from his mouth the second she opened the door, or like they had forced themselves past his lips, desperate to escape while he was in a weak spot.

he had told her everything, in stuttering sobs and whimpers. how he had just wanted to be like the other dancers, and it went too far... he had started getting better for a bit but he had relapsed, and now he was going through it all again. he told her about what eva and her friends had done, talked until his throat felt raw.

she just listened in stunned silence, taking in his words, lost for her own for once.

finally she ushered him inside, making tea immediately, (no sugar for him, of course). she urged him to talk more, so dan had.

now, he couldn't believe himself. he was so weak to give in so easily.

he woke up curled up on katie's bed, his knees hugged to his chest. he blinked, trying to shake off the groggy feeling. he felt... heavy.

he looked around. katie was nestled near the pillows, snoring softly. phil was sitting, leaning against the bed, asleep as well, his hands rested in his lap. dan bit his lip, looking at him a minute longer than he should have. he sighed, pushing himself up carefully and climbing out of the bed, not wanting to wake them.

his stomach growled, but he just tightened his jaw. no; he couldn't eat today. not a bite. he had to work harder, clearly.

he made his way back to his room, ignoring andy, who looked at him weird. he sat at his desk, pulling out a piece of paper purposefully.

he made a list. a list of things he'd let himself eat, and when. the sound of his pencil scribbling on the paper was the only noise in the room, other than andy clicking on his computer occasionally.

his 'meals' would consist of a fifth of what anyone else would eat. a bite of a vegetable, or some meat, just to keep himself there or kill cravings. and he would have one every day, unless he felt particularly strong that day. things like fruit would be considered a treat. coffee or tea was allowed, but with nothing added to it.

when he was done he sat back, setting the pencil down. there. he could do this... he could be perfect.

dan sighed, imagining what would happen when he was... who he would be with, what he would do. everyone would like him then, and he could take up ballet again without feeling like an eye sore. he smiled to himself.

his phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket slowly. it was from phil.

you good?

dan chewed on his lip for a moment before replying.

i'm perfect.

he heard andy getting up and only looked up when he spoke.

"hey... are you coming to class?"

his voice seemed weird, and he had an odd expression on his face. something between pity and... worry. dan ignored it; andy had already made it clear how he felt.

"no..." he smiled at him. "i'm going on a run."

it was like a kind of calm haze had washed over him, a cloud of temporary peace, the eye at the center of a hurricane. but it felt more monotone than nice. it felt like a form of sick determination, but dan pushed back his doubts.

even if this was false happiness, he would take it.

☞

later that day phil texted him again, asking him if he wanted to study, and dan said yes. he would accept any distraction at that point.

he met him in the library again, at their usual table. as he sat down his stomach grumbled, and phil gave him an odd look.

"do you wanna get something to eat? we could work in the cafeteria today, or go to a restaurant in town..."

dan shook his head. "no, i was gonna eat after this. i've got something in my room," he lied calmly. phil nodded, frowning a bit.

"okay..."

"didn't you say we were gonna work in your room?" dan asked, attempting to change the subject. phil nodded.

"yeah, but liam's being an ass... it's a mess right now. next time." he smiled.

"okay," dan said softly, avoiding his eyes. it hurt too much.

"oh... i did something this morning." phil reached into his bag, pulling out his own tattered notebook. dan watched him curiously.

he set it down on the table, gently. dan's breath caught.

he had tried to replicate dan's map, with the additions and everything.

"i'm not that great of an artist," phil mumbled, his cheeks tinted pink. "i hope you don't mind."

dan shook his head, looking over the image. "no... it's amazing."

it was a bit messy, like he said, but dan still loved it. his heart skipped a beat.

he looked up, his stomach squirming when he saw the way phil was looking at him.

"what?" he asked softly, searching his eyes. phil shook his head, biting his lip.

"you're pretty."

dan felt all the air in his lungs being sucked out of him, and he stiffened. his eyes widened, holding his breath.

"i have to go," he said in a whoosh of wind, pushing the chair out from the table a bit too loudly. he could feel eyes on him and he blushed.

he grabbed his bag, and ran from the library, his head throbbing painfully and mixing up his thoughts into a confusing tornado.

he collapsed against the hallway wall, hiding his face in his hands, trembling.

shut up. he doesn't really think that!

his growling stomach added to the white noise and dan had to choke back a scream, tugging on his hair. he took ten slow, deep breaths, urging himself to calm down.

when he felt strong enough he stood, walking toward his room again on shaky legs.

why would phil lie to him like that?

didn't he know how bad it hurt?