ART DECO | PHAN

thirty eight.

5/1/17
129 lbs.

dan howell felt like he was glowing. every inch of his body where phil's hands had been felt like it was buzzing, a fizzy energy building beneath his skin. for once he didn't feel dirty, he didn't feel disgusting, he felt nice. phil wanted to touch him, if he didn't want to touch him he wouldn't have done it.

dan stared at the ceiling, his cheeks aching from smiling. he'd been floating between shallow sleep and hazy full-minded consciousness, but he couldn't be happier about it. it was a nervous type of happiness, on the verge of completely crumbling from overstimulation, but he was focusing on the good.

it was dark and quiet in phil's old room. dan shifted, surprised when he felt the absence of phil's warmth next to him. he frowned and half sat up, waiting for his vision to adjust. phil was nowhere to be found. dan figured he'd just gotten up to go to the bathroom, but he could never fall back asleep now, so he pushed himself up on shaky, tired legs.

dan bent over to pick up phil's grey sweatshirt that he'd dropped on the floor, tugging it on. it was pleasantly large, and it smelled like him.

he ducked into the hallway and padded a couple doors down. he pushed gently on the bathroom door to check if it was locked, but it swung open with a soft creak to reveal an empty, dark room.

warm yellow light cut through the shadows from downstairs, dusting the staircase in a soft glow. maybe phil was down there, getting a drink. all that dan's sleepy mind wanted was to see him, he missed his soft skin and he wanted to hear his low sleep drenched voice.

he carefully made his way down the stairs as quiet voices floated to his ears. somebody else was down there, too, and they were having a hushed conversation.

"...i can't tell if you're doing this to get our attention, or what, but-"

"i'm not doing anything for attention."

now dan recognized the voices- the female one belonged to phil's mum, and the other was phil himself. dan's heart skipped a beat just hearing it and he walked down the last few steps.

he could see them from here, in the kitchen. phil was leaning against the counter, and dan had misjudged his heavy voice- he looked upset, his brows furrowed and deep creases cut into his forehead. his mother was standing with her back facing dan. neither of them could see him from there, he was hidden behind the doorway.

"phil, honey, i know you. you don't have to do this."

phil rolled his eyes, throwing up his hands. dan had never seen him look so visibly annoyed, especially at someone he loved.

"i'm not doing anything. jesus, i'm not a child anymore. i can make my own decisions."

dan wished he could see his mum's expression, but her body language said enough, her hands falling to her hips.

"i know you," she repeated. "you get yourself into these things because you have too much empathy, and you think you can fix everything, and then you don't know how to get out."

dan's heart sunk to his stomach. they were talking about him... he watched phil's jaw tighten.

"is this because he's a boy?"

"no, phil, it's because he's sick. he's rail thin! do you seriously think he looks healthy?"

phil licked his lips. "we're working on it. he's working on it... he's doing really well, mum, he's getting so much better."

his mum shook his head. "i just don't want you to get caught up in something and then feel too bad to leave. you've done this before, you know. remember sasha, when you were twelve? the one with the wheelchair?"

phil's face looked physically pained. "people aren't just pity trophies to me. sasha wasn't my friend because of her disability, that's a terrible thing to say."

"i'm just saying-"

"no. stop just saying. i love dan with all of my heart, and that's because i got to know him without judging him for something he can't control."

"oh, please." she sounded frustrated. dan tugged on the strings of phil's sweatshirt with trembling hands. "he did this to himself. becoming anorexic is a choice, and now he's dragged you into his orbit because you want to fix him."

"maybe it was a choice at one point. but you haven't watched him try to eat. you haven't seen him fucking cry because he's so disgusted in himself that he can barely stand it..." phil's voice was heavy with emotion. tears stung dan's eyes, his breath coming shallow. "god damn it, coming here was a big deal to him. it was hard for him, but he's trying, and he wanted you to like him so bad. and all you can focus on is how skinny he is? how is that any of your business?"

"are you gonna marry him, phil?" her voice was so mean, thick with mocking. "will we have to buy him a child's tuxedo? wheel him to the alter so he doesn't collapse on the guests?"

a sob escaped dan's lips and he quickly covered his mouth with his hand. the tears came fast and heavy, streaming down his face. phil looked so furious, so heartbroken. he pushed himself away from the counter.

"if i ever do marry him, you sure as hell won't be invited," he hissed. "and you'll play nice for the next few weeks or you won't hear from me at all. ever."

phil started toward the door, where dan was standing, and he quickly whirled around to scramble up the stairs before him. his entire body was shaking uncontrollably and he wanted nothing more than to cry so hard he coughed up a lung. he had to leave. he had to get out of here, he couldn't do this. he'd been so happy, phil had wanted him, but maybe... maybe he didn't need him. he'd ruined his family, he'd worked his way into their dynamic and torn them apart with his stupid insecurities.

he didn't want to ruin phil's family. he'd been so excited to see them... if he had never even talked to phil, he would still be happy.

maybe phil did just want to fix him. maybe when dan got better he'd get bored...

well dan wasn't going to let that happen. he wasn't going to let any of that happen.

dan got back into bed and pretended to be asleep. he had to hold his breath to keep from sobbing when phil climbed in next to him.

he waited for his breathing to slow before carefully getting up. he took some money from phil's wallet that was in his bag, knowing he'd just pay him back later. if phil ever wanted to see him again, that was.

he slipped out of the room, shutting the door gently behind him. the tears were starting again, but there would be no changing his mind. not now.

he made it downstairs without being caught, and silently opened the front door, closing it incredibly carefully.

the brisk air seemed to dance around him, teasing him and stinging his face. of course tonight was the one cold night of summer.

dan's thoughts screamed as he called for a taxi, nearly knocking him over. he realized he was still wearing phil's sweatshirt and he bit his lip, covering his mouth and nose in the fabric and breathing in deeply.

he'd split a sandwich with phil earlier. how many calories was that...