ART DECO | PHAN

fifteen.

this chapter gets kinda extra triggering at the bottom so i'll put dashes to indicate when it starts & ends, and a summary ♡

1/21/17
115.5 lbs.

dan howell was crying for a few reasons.

one of those reasons was, of course, that he still felt bloated. he always felt bloated, especially around other people. it made him feel especially anxious.

but another reason was that he couldn't find his notebook.

he had had it earlier, he knew he had, and at the game the other day. he could remember sketching in it, but now it was just... gone. he swore he had seen andy looking suspicious, but he might just be paranoid.

he hugged phil tighter, pushing back all of his fears of this very situation. he sobbed against his chest. sometimes he just couldn't keep it in; he burst.

"it's okay," phil murmured again, his voice soothing, and dan could feel his breath. "it's okay, i'm here."

dan hated him. he hated him for being there, for waltzing into his life and taking over his head just like that. the thought of phil sometimes even battled the thought of food for dominance of his brain, which was crazy.

"phil," he whimpered, bunching his fingers in his t-shirt. phil shifted, his mouth resting on his forehead.

"yeah?"

"i think someone stole my notebook."

he felt phil tense, and he fell silent for a minute. dan could almost hear the cogs and wheels of his brain working.

"dan," he breathed after a moment, pulling back just enough to grab his shoulders. dan could feel them ballooning under his touch, but he ignored it.

"what?"

"i know where it is."

dan's eyes widened. "you do?"

phil nodded, taking his hand. "yeah." he flinched. "eva and her friends have it."

"oh." dan let out the word in a small whoosh of breath. there was nothing really bad in that notebook, other than the sketch for their project, the cut outs of supermodels... and other doodles. some of them were angsty, most involved ballet. ballet. shit. "i have to get it..."

phil nodded. "yeah. it's okay, c'mon."

dan was a tiny bit taken by surprise that phil wanted to come with him, but of course he did, it was phil. he nodded, letting phil tug him down from the gazebo.

he rubbed at his eyes as they walked, trying to make it look like he hadn't been crying. he felt phil's eyes on him but he didn't look.

phil knocked on the door when they got there, and dan pulled his hood up, keeping his eyes on his feet. he hated confrontation.

some girl opened the door after a minute, looking a bit surprised to see them. phil crossed his arms.

"give dan his notebook back."

dan was a bit shocked to hear his voice like that; so firm, demanding. he was fairly certain he had never heard him say something rude before. the girl looked equally as surprised.

"um..."

phil's jaw tensed. "can i talk to my girlfriend, please?"

the way he said that made dan think he was already mad at her. he frowned, biting his lip.

the girl paused before nodding, ducking back into the room, but not after shooting dan a glare. he blushed, looking down again.

eva emerged after a minute, her hands on her hips. "yeah?"

phil stared at her. "dan's notebook."

"i don't know what you're talking about."

she tugged on her ponytail, playing with her hair as her and phil seemingly had a staring contest. after a long minute, she sighed.

"yeah, yeah. just a second."

she disappeared back into the room, and dan heard giggling and soft shuffling before she came back, clutching a blue notebook in her hand. her nails were painted red, and they were long, but they didn't seem fake. dan marveled at how much self control she must have to not bite her nails like he did.

dan watched phil take it, carefully, as if it were delicate. as if he were handling something special. he held it out to him with an encouraging smile.

dan took it from him timidly, hugging it to his chest.

"thank you," phil said to her, almost formally. she nodded a bit stiffly.

while they talked, dan opened the notebook, flipping through the pages. everything seemed relatively normal; there were a few additions on some of his drawings, but they were dumb things, like devil horns on sketches of ballerinas. it didn't phase him.

"by the way, you don't have to be so pissy," eva said to phil, her arms crossing over her chest. dan was only half listening, his eyes preoccupied. "i don't know what i did to make you so mad."

------

dan stopped on he and phil's map, and froze, his blood going cold.

"i'm not mad," phil muttered. "just kind of hurt."

dan felt like he couldn't move, his heart racing out of control. his eyes traced over the huge red letters, double checking that he had read it correctly.

"why, though? i didn't even do anything."

phil started to say something, but was interrupted by the notebook hitting the ground with a thwap. both of them turned to him. dan could feel the tears before they even came.

in huge red scrawled letters on the page, it read, eat less, fat ass.

a choked sob escaped him. so he was right. other people saw it too, it wasn't all in his head.

he felt huge right then, he felt like he was expanding like an ugly fucking balloon, he was fat, other people saw it too. phil saw it- god, he must be disgusted.

he could see phil's eyes drift down to the page from the corner of his eyes, and dan whirled around, running. he burst into tears as he went, his feet hitting the concrete.

he didn't want to see his reaction. he didn't want to have to hear him agreeing.

eat less, fat ass.

it was right. eva was right, they all were.

he should eat less.

------

summary of ending: eva and/or her friends wrote some mean weight related things over his map, and dan freaks out and runs away crying.