ART DECO | PHAN

nine.

irrelevant but someone ran into me in the coffee shop and i dropped my (full, hot) tea and i'm shaking so hard as i write this ok sorry continue

1/18/17
116 lbs.

dan howell jumped when phil sat down next to him at the table, his book fluttering shut, losing his spot amongst the pages. he gave him a look, but phil just smiled, holding his hands up in surrender.

"i'm here to study with you."

dan sighed. his eyelids felt heavy, like they were weighing him down. he probably looked exhausted.

"but i'm not studying right now."

"well, too bad, i'm already sitting here." he peered over dan's shoulder. "what are you reading?"

dan blushed, pulling the book away, out of his sight. "phil..."

phil watched him, and he looked so hopeful, dan couldn't even make him go away. dan didn't understand... he had friends, right? wasn't katie saying he had, like, the most friends?

so why was he so intent on bothering him?

"why are you sitting outside? by yourself?"

dan shrugged, a strand of curly brown hair falling between his eyes. "i like it outside."

phil nodded, the corner of his lips tugging up. dan tried not to stare at it. "i get that."

dan sighed, chewing on his lip and looking away. phil bumped his arm with something, and dan glanced over, flinching when he saw the blueberry muffin that he was holding. he could feel phil's eyes on his face.

"breakfast?"

dan shook his head, tearing his eyes away. "no, thanks. already ate."

"what'd you have?"

phil's voice was curious in a gentle way, but dan's mind automatically went to panicking. he took a deep breath, struggling to keep it together.

"fruit and cereal." he was lying. he had almost reached twenty four hours without eating a single thing, and he wasn't about to give that up for breakfast.

"ah." phil smiled brightly. dan couldn't look at him, knowing he'd just lied. "but these muffins are really good... they're probably my favorite food." he laughed, nudging him with it again. "just try it."

"i've tried it before," dan muttered weakly, a last attempt. phil only handed him it, the plastic wrapping crinkling against dan's sweatshirt.

dan sighed, taking it with a shaking hand. did he know? how could he? did someone tell him...?

dan really had to start being more careful.

he pulled the wrapping off slowly, mourning the death of his fast in his head. he took a deep breath, taking a small bite.

it really was good, somehow still warm, and soft, and not too dry. when was the last time dan had even eaten a muffin?

although it tasted amazing, dan's stomach twisted painfully. he set it down. "there. tried it."

phil beamed, taking it back from him. "thank you."

dan gave him a weird look, but he didn't say anything, resting his elbows on the table. he was being ridiculous, how would phil even know? he didn't. he couldn't.

"do you know katie?" dan raised his eyebrows gently, searching phil's face.

"martín? yeah. she's in a few of my classes, has been for a while." he hummed. "how come?"

dan shrugged. "she's nice."

phil nodded, watching him with a weird look on his face. dan frowned.

"what?"

"nothing." clearly phil couldn't contain himself, because he spoke again a second later. "do you like her or something?"

dan's eyes widened and he shook his head. "no...! no, oh my god. she was just... nice to me."

phil's grin widened, if that was possible. "good. because i'm pretty sure she doesn't like boys."

dan blushed, avoiding his eyes. "no, yeah. i'm not interested in her."

phil nodded, humming softly and tapping the table, the wind tossing his hair a bit. his fingers danced over the surface, and dan watched them, the pattern almost lulling him to sleep. finally, phil spoke again.

"did you mean it? about not being around me, i mean..."

dan bit his lip, glancing at his face. "phil..." he just didn't get it. why would phil even care about him? he wasn't popular, he wasn't a cheerleader, he wasn't even particularly good at anything. but he didn't want to risk sounding conceited, so he didn't ask him.

"i can talk to eva." phil searched his face. "i can tell her that you're actually a really nice person..."

"but i'm not."

phil frowned, and dan instantly regretted speaking. "what do you mean?"

"nothing," dan muttered, resting his chin on his palm. "never mind."

phil nodded, seemingly a bit uneasy. dan flinched. of course. you scared him off, dipshit.

"i should probably go on a run," dan muttered, pushing himself up from the bench. phil watched him stand.

"i could go with you..."

dan shook his head, pausing. "i need to be alone." he ran his fingers through his hair. truthfully, being alone was probably the worst thing he could do to himself right then, but what choice did he have?

he had already let him in far too much. he needed to distance himself, or risk losing everything.

dan shoved his book into his bag, sighing and slinging it over his shoulder, running off. he could feel phil's eyes on him, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

a thought came to him as he ran, his bag bouncing a bit by his side. he had discovered a new form of self harm;

keeping out someone who actually wanted to be his friend.