ART DECO | PHAN

thirty nine.

5/2/17

phil lester woke up cold. he pulled the blankets up to cover him more, blinking slowly and trying to adjust to the morning light in the room.

he rubbed at his face and looked over at where dan should've been. he frowned.

he didn't think dan would be willing to get up and roam the house without him, he wasn't there yet. so where was he?

phil forced himself to get up, his mind foggy. the words between he and his mother from last night still stung, feeling heavy and painful in his chest. he wished she liked dan a little more, but maybe she'd come around. a lot of things took time and adjustment. dan was worth it.

his sweatshirt was gone from the bedroom floor, and he smiled at the thought of dan wearing it somewhere.

he rushed downstairs after confirming that dan wasn't in the bathroom. in his wildest dreams dan was right there, talking to his mum in the kitchen and laughing. but he wasn't, not in real life.

his mum was making coffee, pouring water into the kettle.

"have you seen dan?" he asked, pushing his hair back away from his face. she shook her head without looking at him.

"i haven't," she replied. "i've been up for a while."

he could hear some kind of snarkiness in her tone, but he couldn't read it.

she finally turned around, setting her mug down on the counter. "do you think he left?"

phil shook his head. "no... he wouldn't do that. he'd tell me." his voice was steady, but his stomach was twisting into a knot of anxiety. phil knew dan wasn't all that predictable. if something upset him, it really upset him. he could go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other in seconds.

he left the kitchen, already pulling out his phone.

he really hoped he was okay, wherever he was.

5/2/17
129 lbs.

dan howell struggled not to sob, pushing open the door to his room with all the force he had in him. there were people in his room, people who weren't usually there.

andy sat on his bed, leaning back with his elbows against the mattress. two other boys sat on the bed with him, staring at dan in surprise.

andy turned to his friends first. "sorry, that's my roommate." he looked back at dan. "i thought you were with phil's family or something."

dan looked back at him, his face blank. "i was."

andy raised his eyebrows. "why aren't you anymore?"

dan had no idea how to answer him. he looked down at the floor and marched past them, opening the bathroom door. let them think he was weird, god knew they already did.

he kneeled in front of the cabinet under the sink. it was stashed with little snacks; phil said it would help to have them around, to refuel his energy when he needed it.

a tear escaped, rolling down his cheek, and that was enough to start a flood. dan tore things out of the cabinet recklessly, energy bars and little bags of chips and tea bags spilling out on the tile floor.

he could feel andy at the door now, watching him. he ignored him, whimpering and rubbing at his eyes.

"man, what happened?" andy asked. it almost sounded like he actually wanted to know. "why are you flipping out?"

dan sniffled. "go away." his stomach hurt so bad. it had gotten used to eating, at least eating a little, and dan was depriving it again.

"did phil do something?"

"stop."

dan hugged himself. he missed katie, he wanted to go to katie, but he knew he couldn't. she'd know what was going on and she'd know how to help him, but he didn't want help. not right now.

his phone buzzed in his pocket. it was phil. he'd been calling nonstop for an hour now, but dan couldn't imagine a world where he was stable enough to pick up. he let it go to voicemail.

maybe he should try throwing up again.

"hey," andy said firmly, taking a step into the bathroom. dan looked up at him, the harsh bathroom light stinging his eyes. "you aren't gonna kill yourself, are you? that's not what this is, right?"

dan's lip trembled. "why do you care? it doesn't seem like you even want a roommate."

andy leaned against the door frame. "i don't. but i'd rather have an alive one than a dead one."

dan looked away again, shaking his head. "i'm not gonna kill myself."

"good." he hummed. "is this about your anorexia thing?"

"can you just stop?" dan hissed. "you've spent the whole year giving me weird looks and ignoring me, except for when i want you to. can you please just... go back to that? i don't want to bond with you."

andy looked at him for a minute, but dan didn't look back. he didn't want to know what his expression was.

"fine," he said finally, sighing. "i guess it's none of my business."

he felt his presence fade away, and he took a hard, shaky breath. he ran his fingers through his hair, trying to calm down enough to hold himself together. there was a ringing in his ears that he couldn't get rid of.

he could see it so vividly, everything he'd been through, as if it was a mural on the bathroom wall... painted in blues and purples and soft greens. he and phil, on his car... the ballet, and the hill behind the restaurant...

everything he'd done had slowed them down. he'd been an anchor on his own relationship, making phil drag him along. one day phil would throw out his back, and he'd drop him, and dan couldn't even blame him.

he had to be lighter.

he stood up, his legs shaking uncontrollably. andy's friends were about to leave.

"no, stay," he said, wiping away the residing tears on his flushed cheeks. "it's okay. i'm going on a run."