ART DECO | PHAN

thirty six.

5/1/17

phil lester jumped up when the train stopped, and dan looked up at him with an unreadable expression on his face. phil beamed down at him and after a second, dan smiled back, standing up carefully.

he looked so cute, all the time. even now, as dan looked down with a faint frown on his face as he searched for anything he'd forgotten, phil wanted to scoop him into his arms and squeeze him like an adorable stuffed animal. he wanted to lay with him for hours, halfway between sleep and consciousness. he wanted to kiss every last one of his moles.

phil looked away, clearing his throat. if he was going to be around his family he had to control himself, but it wasn't helpful how his heart leapt into his throat every time he looked at him.

finally he looked back at dan, and he met his eyes. he reached for his hand and phil met him halfway. "ready?"

dan laughed that nervous, almost sarcastic chuckle. "obviously."

phil leaned over and kissed his cheek. dan blushed and his hand went to where his lips had been.

"it'll be okay. trust me."

"that's what i'm trying to do."

phil's brother and his new girlfriend had agreed to pick them up at the train station. phil hugged and greeted them each in turn, and he watch dan shake their hands politely. he looked a little pale, but he managed to smile. phil grinned at him and dan subtly leaned into his side. phil took the opportunity to wrap his arm around him and he felt dan stiffen for a second before relaxing against him.

"i'm so proud of you," he mumbled, turning his head so he could whisper when the other two were distracted. dan covered his face with his hand.

"don't say that."

"why not?" he pulled him closer. dan squirmed a bit. "it's true."

"it's embarrassing."

phil was about to ask why it was embarrassing, but his brother called out to them to hurry up so they could get back to the house. phil dropped it until they were in the car and he was able to quietly pull dan's hand into his lap and play with his fingers. he hoped he wasn't too touchy, and more than that he hoped dan would tell him if he was.

"why's it embarrassing?" he asked softly, watching his face.

"why is what embarrassing?"

phil sighed. "me saying i'm proud of you."

"oh." dan bit his lip, glancing at him. "it's not. we're just with your family... it sounds like i'm a child. a sickly child. and you're my caretaker."

phil raised his eyebrows, thinking about it. he saw where he was coming from, kind of... but also, he wanted to say those things around his family. he wanted them to know he was proud of dan, too.

"but-"

"please," dan cut in, meeting his gaze, and for the first time phil saw sharp panic in his eyes. "i don't want them to think i'm a sickly child. my family already thinks that. this has to be different."

phil searched his face, biting down on the inside of his cheek. he hated dan's fight, he didn't want to watch him have to solve problems he should never have in the first place. he didn't deserve that.

"okay," phil whispered finally, squeezing his hand. "i won't talk to you like that around them. whatever helps."

dan nodded, sniffing. "i just want them to like me."

"they will," phil insisted. "my brother already likes you, i can tell. what's not to like?" dan flashed him a look and phil sighed. "i'm not taking it back. there's nothing not to like about you, dan."

after a second dan rested his head on his shoulder. "i appreciate you saying that," he mumbled, closing his eyes.

"i mean it."

dan was quiet for a minute and phil listened to the gravel beneath the tires.

"are you excited to see them?" he asked finally. his voice was so soft and delicate, it was a tone phil had learned dan didn't use for anyone but him. phil nodded, smiling.

"i'm really excited actually, yeah."

he couldn't see it but he felt dan smile. "i'm glad... did you miss them?"

"yeah, i think i did." phil squeezed him. "i know there's been... complications between us in the past, but i still love them a lot, you know? i've always been close to them."

dan turned his face to hide it against phil's shoulder, and his body shook. after a second phil realized he was crying silently.

"are you okay?" he whispered, trying to get a look at his face, touching his cheek. finally he managed. dan was crying, but he was smiling too, and he shook his head, touching phil's chin.

"i'm okay," he whispered, his voice breaking. "i just have fucked up emotions, phil, it's okay. sometimes this happens. not everything is about me."

phil laughed quietly. "to me it is."

dan shook his head, searching his face. he opened his mouth, but after a few seconds he closed it again. phil's heart skipped a beat. he rested his forehead against dan's.

"you don't have to say it."

"i know."

"do you want to?"

after a slight hesitation dan nodded. he sighed. "i suck."

"no, you don't." phil pulled him close, resting his chin on his head. "it's okay. don't say it if you aren't ready to."

he felt dan smile against his chest and he kissed his head gently.

dan cared about him. he cared how he felt about his family, and he wanted to say that he loved him.

things couldn't be better.