Our Little Dorm Mother

Chapter 28- Let Go

How does heartbreak feel like?

To Xiumin, it felt like someone had ripped his heart out and left his chest empty; hollow; numb. It was hard to choose just one word to explain what he was feeling. At first, it hurt. Like ripping off a plaster, the feeling was sharp and raw. But then, he began feeling numb as the pain dulled into a constant aching like, something had got into his chest and was slowly eating what was left of his shattered heart.

He felt empty inside.

Like a burgled house, all his precious feelings were stolen and now, all that was left was an empty shell of what was once a thriving household. He didn't know whether he should be grateful that he was feeling numb instead of hurt or, whether he should be sad that he had lost what had made him happy. He just felt empty and, he didn't know what to do to fill the void that she had left behind.

When he saw Chanyeol and Nami locked in a kiss, his heart broke. He didn't know what to say or what to do. At first, he felt a rollercoaster of emotions: he was confused; sad; angry; disappointed. But most of all, he was regretful that he didn't get to tell her how he felt about her. And now, seeing them together, every day, only deepened his regret. If he wasn't feeling numb, he was feeling heavy with his feelings for her that, he knew he needed to throw away. He needed to discard them because they were a burden to him and, they would be a burden to her too, now that she was involved with someone else.

He wished he could just wake up with amnesia.

At least then, he could forget about his useless feelings for her or, go back to the time before he realised he loved her. He didn't blame Chen or Baekhyun for getting his hopes up; he didn't blame Nami for not loving him back and, he didn't blame Chanyeol for stealing her away. After all, the numbness he felt was self-inflicted: he had done it to himself. He had hesitated to tell her and now, it was too late and she was taken. He had been too slow to act.

So, what should he do now?

Xiumin had been keeping his distance from Nami so that he could sort out his feelings. If he could throw them away, he would have thrown them away two weeks ago, when he found out that Nami and Chanyeol had started dating. But, feelings weren't like that. They stayed with you until you learned to forget about them and Xiumin had been trying to forget about them a lot. He didn't want to make things awkward in the dorm and he didn't want to strain his relationship with Chanyeol. They were still friends, after all. So there was only one other thing he could do.

He was going to go back to how he saw Nami before.

He was going to put back his defences and, build back the walls that she had broken down and start thinking of her as a friend or, even a sister. He hadn't lost everything; Nami never knew. So he could pretend that everything was okay and that they were still friends. But he knew, deep down, that they could never be as close as they were before. Xiumin hadn't lost everything but he had lost something: he had lost her. And even though it pained him, he knew he had to let her go.

It wasn't his job to protect her anymore, he had no right to do so.

As he stared at Nami from afar, he knew that he wasn't the closest person to her anymore. It wasn't his job to defend her from the others' teasing or comfort her when she was sad. No, that was for someone else to do; someone who she had chosen; someone who had replaced him as the closest person in her heart... it was Chanyeol's job now.

~*~

"Do you need some help with your lines?" I asked D.O as he walked past me with a script in his hand.

D.O turned towards me and gave me a small smile. "Oh, no. It's okay, Nami-ah" he replied, before briskly walking away.

I frowned.