I've walked the path to this place numerous times, but today it just feels a little bit harder. I clutch the roses in my hand tightly, not willing to let them go for anything in the world. Roses were always his favorite. As soon as I arrive at his grave I sink down to the ground.
Why is it so hard to visit him this time?
My lip quivers as I place the flowers on top of the tombstone. At least try to keep it together.. I tell myself, but I know it's no use. I've cried every night since he's been gone. Ever my single night I lay in bed crying. "Hey Johnnycake.." is all I manage to get out before I lose it. I break down and let the tears fall freely, and god does it feel good. I cry for a long time before I'm finally able to talk again.
"I miss you. Everything about you. "Johnny-" I let out more loud sobs. "I want to hold you again. Just one last time!" My breath comes in short, ragged gasps. "I want to call you baby again! I want to spend all night talking to you and wake up tired as hell but not regret it because I was with you! I want to be able to tell you that you're beautiful and that you deserve the world. I want to tell you that I love you every night and every morning. I want to be able to picture your face without crying."
I grip my hair in frustration. It's not fair. I didn't choose to have to lose him, but he's gone anyway. Cruelly taken away from me. "I want to be able to read with you again, and I want to hear your outlook on life." My crying slows down and I attempt to breath normal. "I want to hold you again Johnny. Just one last time. If I would have known that the church would have been the last time I would hold you.."
I sit and stare at the grave for a long time. Sometimes it feels like Johnny might be sitting with me, but I know it's just wishful thinking.
Several people come and go as the day goes on. I see some of them cry, and some of them laugh, and some just don't say anything at all. It reminds me that I'm not the only one going through a loss, and that I need to eventually move on with my life. But today..today I'm gonna let myself mourn. Johnny deserves to be mourned.
Eventually the sun sets and the sky grows dark. You'd think it would be creepy or scary being alone at night in a cemetery, but it's not really. The people here aren't ghosts, they're just resting souls.
I stay sitting there even after dark, and eventually Sodapop has to come get me. "Darry's been worried sick, you know?" He says. I look down and stay silent. "Have you been here all day?"
"Since noon." My voice comes out soft.
Soda sighs and puts an arm around me. "It'll be okay Pony..it will..it's hard now but one day.."
"I just want him back Soda." My eyes well up with tears but I don't let them fall. I'm done crying, at least for tonight. "But, you're right. It'll be okay one day." I wasn't sure if I believed myself when I said it, but I wanted to.
Soda kisses the top of my head lightly. "Come on..let's get home before Darry starts getting scared."
