Almost, But Not Quite (COMPLETED)

Chapter 27

#ABNQ27 Chapter 27

My eyes were swollen.

I felt like an utter mess.

I sat while I mindlessly stirred my coffee. Hindi ako pwedeng magstay sa bahay dahil magtataka sila Mama. Hindi ako pwedeng pumasok sa school na namamaga ang mga mata ko dahil masyadong maraming magiging tanong.

A few minutes later, naupo si Matt sa harap ko.

"Are you alright?" I asked because he looked as fucked up as me. Parang puyat na puyat din siya kagaya ko. I wasn't able to talk to anyone after what happened with Psalm because... I wasn't really in the mood. Buong weekend lang ako nagkulong sa bahay, refusing to really talk with anyone.

I felt like shit.

I felt like I deserved to hole up all by myself, and feel miserable.

"Order lang akong coffee," he said.

I pushed my cup towards him. "Sa 'yo na lang. 'Di ko pa naiinom 'yan," I said. I wasn't really in the mood for coffee. I just knew I needed to stay somewhere. I skipped school because I was too much of a coward to face Psalm after everything I told him. Heck, ni hindi ko nga kayang buksan iyong phone ko dahil alam ko na makita ko pa lang iyong pangalan niya, sasama na agad iyong loob ko.

Inabot ni Matt iyong coffee, at ininom. Tahimik lang ako'ng naka-tingin sa kanya.

"Si Psalm?" I managed to ask after a while. Ito naman kasi talaga iyong dahilan kung bakit ko siya pinapunta dito.

He looked at me. "Okay naman," he said, but he didn't look convincing. It was like he was trying to act like everything's fine, when it was obviously not.

I looked at him, seriously. I wanted him to tell it to me honestly. Kung kamusta na ba si Psalm. Because I'd been miserable. Alam ko siya iyong sinaktan ko dahil sa mga sinabi ko, but I was just as hurt. I didn't want to hurt him because he's my friend... but I felt like I needed to tell him that.

I wasn't ready.

I am not ready.

What happened with Steele, it was traumatizing. I didn't want to go through that again. Because what's happening right now felt like a rehash of what happened before. Na magkaibigan kami. Na baka naman pwede.

Pero paano kapag hindi?

Paano kapag nagsawa?

Paano kapag nakahanap ng iba?

Where would that leave me?

I couldn't go through that again.

"Matt naman," I said. I knew he knew what's up. Kaibigan siya ni Psalm. Alam ko na alam niya. Kaya ganoon sila nung nakaraan. I tried to ignore it. I tried to act like they're just being their usual playful safe... but after Psalm told me everything, doon ko lang na-realize kung bakit ganoon silang lahat.

Na alam nilang lahat.

Ako lang pala 'yung hindi.

"What do you want me to say, Joey?" he asked na parang nahihirapan din siya.

"I just want to know if he's okay."

"Dude, you dumped the guy. Of course he's not okay."

I bit my lower lip. "Hindi ko naman gusto 'yung nangyari."

Matt took another sip of the coffee. "Alam ko. Wala namang sumisisi sa 'yo."

"Di ba siya galit sa 'kin?"