Almost, But Not Quite (COMPLETED)

Chapter 59

#ABNQ59 Chapter 59

I couldn't live with myself. Psalm was right. I just wanted to explain because I wanted to be able to justify to myself that what I did wasn't completely wrong... That I wasn't pure evil for being able to cheat. That I wasn't a hypocrite for hating Steele when I thought he cheated on me... And that I did the same thing myself.

It was all for me.

It was all for self-preservation.

Halos hindi ako maka-labas sa kwarto ko pagkatapos ng mga nangyari. I just wanted to isolate myself and to wallow in my destructive thoughts. Natatakot din akong lumabas dahil alam ko na maraming naka-rinig sa sigawan namin ni Psalm...

I didn't want to be judged for my mistakes... but I still did it anyway. Kahit alam kong mali.

"Get up," sabi ni Mama. Hindi ako gumalaw. Kung pwede lang na dito na lang ako sa kama habang-buhay. "Jocelyn, bumangon ka na."

I groaned. "Gusto ko pang matulog, Ma..."

"Ilang araw ka ng nandito sa kwarto. Alam mo ba kung ano'ng araw na?" Umiling ako. I lost track of time. I didn't open my phone. I just... I just wanted to disappear for a while. To forget how horrible I was. "Makukuha mo na 'yung lisensya mo ngayon."

I automatically opened my eyes. God. Ilang araw na ba akong nandito sa kwarto?

Naligo na ako at nag-ayos. I knew that I should get my license because I almost killed myself by studying, so I deserved every inch of that card. And I didn't want to argue with my mother. She was already going through too much because of Jax. Ayoko na dumagdag pa ako sa sakit niya ng ulo.

Pagdating sa venue, maraming pamilyar na mukha... pero marami ding mga mata na nanghuhusga. Alam ko na alam na nila iyong nangyari... Of course, no secret can remain a secret forever... But I wished that maybe this could be the exception. Because I didn't want to drag Psalm in the mess that I made. He didn't do anything wrong—this was all my fault.

Tahimik lang ako buong ceremony. I just quietly wished that I could get my license and get this over with.

"Wala si Marcus?" tanong sa akin ni Mama.

"Ewan ko," tahimik na sagot ko. Hindi alam ng pamilya ko ang nangyari... Ayoko rin na idamay sila. Because as much as I hated Marcus for what he did to me, I didn't want to mess with his studies. Iba iyon sa problema naming dalawa.

My parents like him... I didn't want to be the reason why that would change.

Mama seemed to have noticed that I wasn't in the mood to talk kaya naman tahimik lang kaming dalawa hanggang sa matapos ang buong programa. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilan ang nagtanong sa akin kung nasaan si Marcus. Hindi ko alam kung nananadya na lang ba sila dahil alam naman nila na 'di kami nag-uusap ni Marcus.

"Ma..." I groaned when I saw cars parked outside our house.

"What? We have to celebrate!"

"Nagcelebrate na tayo nung pumasa ako," sabi ko. "And it doesn't feel right to celebrate dahil sa sitwasyon ni Jax at Kitty."

My mother shook her head. "Wala ka pang lisensya nun. At isa pa, palaging may dadating na problema, but that doesn't mean that we can't celebrate the victories," sabi niya, at saka bumaba para pumasok sa bahay.

I stayed in the car for a few minutes. Nakita ko na iyong sasakyan ng mga kaibigan ko. I didn't know what to do or what to say in front of them... I was afraid that they caught whiff of what happened during the thanksgiving of my school...