Almost, But Not Quite (COMPLETED)

Chapter 35

#ABNQ35 Chapter 35

I froze.

I felt my whole body stiffen at the mere sound of his voice. Ni hindi ko na siya kailangang makita para magkaroon ako ng ganitong reaction. His mere voice was enough to send my system into a state of frenzy.

And it's really frightening.

It's frightening how much control he has over me.

Na ganito pa lang, pero ganito na agad ako.

"So... I gotta run," Matt said. My eyes were still wide open, my heart beating furiously inside my chest. Pakiramdam ko, dahan-dahan na nahihirapan akong huminga. Na unti-unting nanginginig iyong sistema ko dahil alam ko na nandyan siya.

Matt wrinkled his nose as he looked at me. "Makinig muna bago sumabat, okay?" he said, tousling my hair before really leaving me. Alone. With him.

Fuck.

Fuck!

Hindi ko alam iyong gagawin ko. Naka-talikod pa rin ako sa kanya, pero ramdam na ramdam ko na nandyan siya. Na ni hindi ko magawang gumalaw dahil masyado akong apektado na nandito siya. Na gusto niya akong kausapin.

"Joey..." he said again. Parang napihit ko iyong hininga ko dahil lang sa narinig ko iyong boses niya. Sobrang unfair. Bakit ganito? Bakit ang sakit? Pero bakit kahit ang sakit, ayokong umalis?

I didn't want to run.

I wanted to stay.

I wanted to listen.

But words failed me now that I needed them the most. I couldn't verbalize how I was feeling because my own heart was betraying me. I couldn't understand how I was feeling, just the state of frenzy Psalm's presence was bringing me to.

"If you don't want to talk, I won't force you... but can you at least listen?" sabi niya. Parang mas lalong sumikip iyong dibdib ko sa paraan ng pagsasalita niya. Na parang nahihirapan na siya. Na parang nasasaktan na siya.

Pero siya lang ba?

Nasasaktan din ako.

"Can you at least give me that? Because fuck, Joey, I'm going out of my mind thinking I'm losing you to someone else."

Mariin kong pinikit iyong mga mata ko kahit ang dami kong gustong isagot sa sinabi niya. Pero tama si Matt. Kailangan kong makinig. Kailangan kong malaman kung ano iyong iniisip ni Psalm kasi... kasi shit ang hirap! Ang hirap na lagi ko siyang nakikita. Ang hirap na nakikita ko siya pero pinipigilan ko na kausapin siya kasi... kasi ang fucked up ng situation.

Gusto ko siya. Gusto niya ako. Pero hindi ganoon kadali. Laging wrong timing. Laging may mali. Laging may pero.

"I know... I know I said that I'd respect your decision when you said no... but it's hard, Joey. God, it's hard because I see you everyday. I hear your voice everyday. I think about you everyday. But I always have to remind myself to stop because you already said no."

Bigla siyang huminto.

Gusto kong humarap para makita iyong mukha niya.

"I always had to remind myself that you already said no. I wanted to respect that. I didn't want to pursue you without your consent... but God, Joey... I just wanna fucking throw every decency I have whenever I'd see you with him. Kasi bakit sa kanya pwede? Bakit sa kanya parang ayos lang? Bakit hindi sa 'kin? Bakit hindi ko na lang ipilit 'yung sarili ko sa 'yo? Bakit 'di na lang kita habulin kahit sinabi mo na na hindi? Bakit ba sineseryoso ko nung sinabi mo na ayaw mo? Bakit hindi ko na lang ipagpilitan 'yung sarili ko?"