Finding my way [Complete]

Chapter 11

Kong's POV

I think I can finally recognize my problem. I have accepted I have one. Isn't that the first step, to accept that you have a problem? I just didn't have the vaguest idea how to go about solving my problem. Infact I was still having a very hard time defining it. And since I couldn't define it, I couldn't talk to anyone about it. The long and short of it mainly came down to the fact that I was jealous of P'Arthit.

It was completely irrational and did not even manifest itself in the way I would have expected jealously to be present. My first inkling was during my brief, disastrous relationship with Pearl. I hated the amount of attention she gave him, and when she had finally made a move on him it had pushed me over the edge. Thankfully, he wasn't interested in her at all otherwise I could see things getting very ugly.

The second time I felt it hit me like a ton of bricks was when all of us had gone swimming at the university pool on a particularly hot afternoon. After swimming a few laps we were splashing around in the water when P'Prem insisted P'Arthit come into the water. I hadn't realized until now but P'Arthit couldn't swim very well and generally avoided the pool. After a few minutes of roughhousing, they managed to strip his shirt and dunk him in the pool. It was still the shallow end and he was surrounded by the rest of us, so he finally relaxed.

I seemed to have had an opposite effect. I couldn't stop staring at him. How come I never paid attention to how good his physique was. Which slightly confused me. P'Knott was definitely a lot more muscular. Even P'Prem seemed like he hit the gym more than regularly. I suddenly became extremely self-conscious. If I was looking at P'Arthit it just followed that he would look at me too. I wasn't in any shape to compete with him. I was always athletic but I wasn't muscular and suddenly it really started bothering me. Was this why Pearl preferred him? I mean it was understandable. He was gorgeous. But this was not a completely hopeless case yet. I can start working out too. I could definitely look like P'Arthit if I wanted to. I hope.

I was doing one insane thing after another. After starting a gym routine more seriously than I had ever tried before I dated two girls solely because P'Arthit had called them pretty in passing. The first one I actually though P'Arthit was interested but once I started dating her, it seemed he couldn't even remember her name. The second girl I doubt he had even looked at her face closely enough to recognize her if I wasn't around. Both those relationships ended within a month of their start and hardly any true feelings were involved on either side.

I am starting to feel extremely foolish. I am making life choices based on my one sided competition against one of the greatest guys I know. Is it an inferiority complex? I have never felt like that before. I would keep looking for him in the crowd, turning to him every time he spoke. Waiting to have lunch with him or meet him after class at our regular restaurants. I kept thinking of ways to run into him when I hadn't seen him all day. I felt like I was analyzing every big and small thing about him and then evaluating myself to see if I was good enough.

The worst part was I didn't need to do any of that. P'Arthit was always there when I needed him. If I texted him to meet me somewhere, he would promptly arrive. If I asked him to tutor me, he wouldn't ever deny. Perhaps he was the same with the rest of my friends too, but I was sure he and I had a special bond. So then why had I turned everything between us into a competition. And how was I supposed to go about solving this problem.

Thankfully my current girlfriend Nim seemed different than my past relationships. She was currently a first year and extremely scared of P'Arthit and his friends. She rarely ever spoke of them and I haven't seen her talk directly to him once. For the first time my relationship with my girlfriend and my strong feelings of jealously towards P'Arthit have been separated.

Along with everything occupying my thoughts, my mid-year exams were right around the corner. P'Prem and P'Knott regularly tutored us, although I would have liked P'Arthit to have joined them atleast some of the times. We were very sure he would sneak away behind the stadiums to take a nap, and a sleep deprived P'Arthit was definitely grumpy, so we would leave him alone. Although, one particular day I was exceptionally restless. I hadn't seen him or spoken to him in a few days, and he had even stopped replying to our group messages.

I bought a huge chocolate bar and went around looking for him. After almost an hour of walking around the campus I finally spotted him and made a mad dash in his direction, yelling his name loudly to ensure he wouldn't miss me and walk away.

He was chewing his bottom lip while deciding whether to help tutor me or continue with his nap. I couldn't stop staring at him. His teeth twisting and stretching his lower lip, biting it over and over again. This simple act was sending my mind in intense confusion again and I needed it to stop. So I reached over and pinched his lip away from his teeth. For the first time I felt as startled as he looked. He stepped back and agreed to tutor me. My fingers tingled from the memory of his lips all of the two hours he sat across from me. I promised myself that once the exams were over I would make time to sort my feelings. I needed to know if it really was jealously of P'Arthit that was confounding my thoughts and emotions.

Before I got a chance to think any more on my emotions, we were faced with another big challenge. Bang in the middle of exam week P'Arthit was sick. We tried to convince him to take the exams after he got better, but he adamantly refused. Hence, both the senior and junior groups rallied around him to make sure he survived the exam week . We divided up the roles each of us would be responsible for and absolutely no one complained about the tasks that was assigned to them. P'Knott and I made sure he got to his exam hall and back safely.

Throughout the week he looked like a walking zombie and when he finally exited the building after his last exam I breathed a sigh of relief. I still had another exam left the next day so I couldn't stay with him after I dropped him off, but I made sure to help me change and get comfortable in bed. I spoon fed him his medicines and shut the curtains and looked around the room to see if there was anything I could do before I left.

I looked at him sleeping fitfully. He was probably not even aware that I was still in the room. I moved closer to him and brushed his hair away from his face. He looked so young and so vulnerable while he slept. At that instant I knew that I didn't want to compete with him. All I wanted to do was take care of him, protect him. No it was definitely not jealously that I felt. I quickly dipped my head and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. I wished him a good rest and left.

Next morning after my last exam I read the text from P'Arthit telling everyone that he was much better and thanking us for taking care of him. When I saw him at lunch I could not have had a broader smile. He look well rested and healthy. Infact he looked better than I have ever seen him before. I was slightly upset the he was leaving for two weeks to go see family, but absolutely nothing could take my joy out of today. We were done with exams, we had no immediate responsibilities and P'Arthit was looking radiant sitting next to me.