down from five ✔randy

Chapter 29

I feel... empty. Emotionless. I feel hollow, inside.

I can't find it in me to cry. I feel drained. I can't find a reason to smile. I have a reason to cry but, I just.. I just can't.

Carrie's holding up well. She's happy. I don't know if her smile is fake or not but I haven't seen her cry once.

I haven't seen Rye. Not since he left. I don't know where he is, but I can't find it in me to care. It's like I'm alive but not living.

And I'm trying to be positive, but it's hard. It's hard not having your best friend, your soulmate, your other half there with you. Rye isn't here to help me through this. And it's tough.

But I am getting better. The first few days I was dead to the world. Didn't eat, didn't sleep. I stayed in bed all day. But now I I eat and sleep, not very well, but I'm getting there.

I can't stop thinking about him. And I know I should stop, but I can't. He's like a drug. Even when he's hurt me, even when he's gone, he still haunts me. And I still want him back. But I won't take him back. He can't be trusted anymore.

Honestly we don't know what to do. We're scared that this could be the end of RoadTrip. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be the cause of the end. I love my job, I love our fans... I can't let them down.

I know I have to do something. The whole house seems dead. Everyone is always quiet, no-one knows what to say. There isn't anything to say.

I surprised myself this morning by getting up and having a shower. I felt grim, I haven't had a shower in so long. It was relaxing when the warm water hit my body.

Then once I was changed I asked if anyone wanted to go to the park and play footie. Of course everyone perked up at the idea and I even invited Carrie and Harvey.

And this is where we are now. We're all at the park, passing around a football and laughing. I haven't felt like this for what seems like forever. The cold wind in my hair, the fresh smell of the outdoors... It was nice.

"I am exhausted." Mikey panted as he jogged over to me. I nodded in agreement, bending over and resting my hands on my knees. I watch Mikey purposely fall to the ground and chuckled, copying.

"You guys wanna grab some food?" Carrie asked as she, Jack, Brook and Harv dawdled over. Mikey and I looked at each other and nodded.

"Sounds good." I said and Carrie lent me a hand and helped me up. We then made our way over to the closest McDonalds. I was famished.

When we were finally home all of us were shattered. We all sat in the living room, Jack put in a DVD but none of us were really watching it. We were all just messing about.

Well, I more watched them mess about. My mind went back to Rye.

I don't know when he would
come back. I don't know if I want him to come back. I don't know what I'd do if he did come back.

"Hey fovvlar, you still with us?" Carrie asked, waving a hand in front of my face. I blinked and nodded.

'Fovvlar' brought back memories that I wanted to forget. Like the night I had that dream.

"goodnight my little fovvlar." I shuddered. It brought back pain. I wanted to start crying, but I didn't. I'm going to be strong. I'll be strong for the boys. For Carrie. For myself. Because I can't keep doing this to myself.

I'm not going to let him hurt me anymore.