Daddy's little bug (discontinued, see description)

17

WARNING!!!:DESCRIPTIONS OF SELF HARM, LOTS OF BLOOD, MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION/MENTAL HELTH IF ANY OF THESE TRIGGER YOU IN ANYWAY, PLEASE DO NOT READ! I WILL TRY MY BEST TO MAKE SURE IT STILL MAKES SENSE.

If you do read this, please correct me on this chapter specificly. I have delt with suicidal thoughts but i'm not exactly a little so I don't know how that works. I also don't know how slipping In and out of headspace works. So please Correct me and be specific.
~~~

Why?

It was the only thing Casey could think of at the moment. He was lying in his crib on his back, facing the ceiling. The pastel clock on the wall said it was a little past one in the morning, and he couldn't sleep.

He was little when Justin put him to bed, but just as he was about drift off his mind switched to big mode, and he couldn't switch back. He had been trying for 3 hours now to slip into headspace.

With no such luck, he decided to go to the bathroom. He stood up in the crib, throwing his leg over the side, and landing softly on the other side.

He made his way to the bathroom, silently closing the door behind him. He looked in the mirror, his sad reflection staring back at him.

'Who could love that?' The voices in his head began to question.

'fat'

'Ugly'

'Worthless'

'Cry baby'

'Disappointment'

They continued on and on. He could do nothing but stare. His eyes began to water as he just wanted a way out.

He looked at the box knife, left on the counter from Hannah setting up his room.

He knew he shouldn't, but he was desperate at this point. Shakily, he picked it up.

Casey knew better than to scare up his wrist, he gets hot way to easily to wear long sleeves constantly.

He unzipped the onsie he was currently wearing, pulling it off his shoulders and letting it drop to the floor.

He pressed the blade to his scared, skinny thigh, wincing at the sharp pain it brought, as he drug the sharp object through his skin.

Blood poured from the new cut, but the voices had died down in his mind.

He made another, then another, going up and down and across.  The blood that poured out was too much, but still he watched. The voices were drowned out of his head, consumed with the thoughts of what he had done, and worse, what Justin would say.

And just like that his tiredness kicked in. He decided on cleaning the wounds and cleaning up his message now.

He hated himself for what he had just done, but he hated himself even more for finding so much relief in it.

The achohal stung as he poured it over the fresh cuts, he winced and bit his lip, trying to stay silent.

Once his leg was cleaned the best a 17 year old could make it, which in all honesty would be how a hospital would clean it, he bandaged it tightly.

He cleaned the tile floor with his onsie, rinsing the blood from it, and throwing it in the hamper.

He left the bathroom as silently as he came, and went to the closet, grabbing a different onsie, and slipping it on, being careful with his bandaged thighs.

He then climbed back into the crib.  He layed on his side, staring at the wall, welcomeing the sleep he wished would've come earlier.

***

The next morning Justin gently shook the small boy awake. He noticed the outfit change almost immediately, but wanted to wait until Casey was awake to ask.

"5 more minutes" Casey mumbled, gently pushing the hand on his waist away. Justin chuckled.

"Come on babe, its time to get up" he touched his waist once more.

"No" Casey whined into his pillow. He was a whiny person in general, in or out of little space, but this was 50 times worse in the mornings.

Justin moved his hand up and down, from Casey's hip to his knee and back. This caused Casey to sit up quickly, as pain shot through his leg, reminding him why he wasn't in littlespace.

"Are you alright, baby?" Justin frowned at him.

"Mhm" he hummed through clenched teeth. His heart was pounding and the only thing he could think was not to let the tears fall.

"Are you big or little right now" it was a reoccurring question asked every morning since big Casey freaked out about Justin trying to change big Casey.

"Big" Casey whispered. It was all be could manage.

"How big?" Justin hummed. His hand rested on Casey's knee while the other rested on his shoulder. The side of the crib had been pulled down long before the little woke up.

"17, sadly" Casey mumbled.

"I'm sorry babe" Justin smiled, kissing his forehead, "get dressed, Kelsey wanted to take you shopping"

"Why?"

"A couple of friends of mine are having a Quinceañera, and we are going, so you need a suit"

"Will you come?"

"No, I don't really do shopping for suits and such, I let Kelsey handle that, plus I think you guys need together"

Casey nodded his head along, agreeing. Justin then left the room, allowing the boy to get dressed. He wore skinny jeans, making sure you couldn't see the wrapping underneath, and an oversized pastel blue ombre jumper with matching shoes.

He walked down stairs, stealing a piece of toast from the plate on the island, before walking to the livingroom.

"Hey Chico, ready to go?" Kelsey smiled, standing from the couch and walking over.

"Why are you speaking Spanish? What'd you do?" He stopped walking, one arm crossed while the other held his toast.

Both Kelsey and Casey are half Spanish in some form. Kelsey is half Latino, while Casey is half Spanish. Their mother's were half white 1/4 Italian, 1/4 Irish. They spoke Spanish in both homes growing up, but Casey has less of good memories of the language.

"Nothing babe, but Sofia and Mia are Hispanic/Latino. You will speak some at this party"

"Whatever"

"Alright, lets go before the car gets hot"

"Dorks, be home by ten!" Justin yelled after them.

"We're going to the mall not Narnia" Kelsey yelled back, followed by Casey's disturbing fact.

"Did you know a Dork is a whale penis"

"Get out" Kelsey pushed him out the door while Justin laughed.