Crankgameplays Imagines

Existential

This sums up why I havent been publishing anything for a little while, sorry.

~ Your POV ~

The bed you're lying on is soft, but that's only something you're remembering. Right now, your body is numb to the current feeling of the mattress beneath you. Lying flat on your stomach, with the side of your face on the mattress and one arm hanging off the bed, your gaze is fixed on the bedroom wall that you're facing, but you arent focussing on it. Every aspect of your being is lost in thoughts that you wish you werent burdened with, but as soon as one enters your head, you quickly find yourself swarmed by them. Prior to collapsing here, you were attempting to do some writing, after a couple of weeks of not writing a word, but, you once again found yourself unable to do so, because of these thoughts. Every other time this has happened, you have managed to find something else to distract with, usually youtube, or a movie, maybe a book, but not this time. The thoughts are so powerful that you cant ignore them, and that's nobody's fault but your own. If only you'd faced them when they arrived in smaller doses, rather than letting them build up until they crushed you, as they have done now.
"(Y/N)?" A soft voice calls your name from the bedroom doorway, and although the voice brings you an echo of joy, you find yourself still left drifting.
Thinking you're asleep, he tiptoes around the bed, until he's standing beside you. Crouching down, he brushes your hair out of your face, and smiles warmly upon seeing your eyes open, but that expression is soon washed away by concern.
"Are you ok?"
There it is, the impossible question, one that you havent had to hear him say in a long time, because for these past two weeks, you've been able to give him excuses as to why you havent written anything, you reassure him before even giving him the chance to question you.
"Does it matter?" You mumble in reply, not quite coming to terms with the fact that you've spoken, until you feel your mouth closing.
It's then, your eyes meet his, and the way your heart leaps is such a welcomed feeling, but his frown in response to your words makes your stomach twist with guilt.
"Of course it matters if you're ok or not, what's going on?" Ethan enquires, his tone soft, sensing that this may be a sensitive topic, but it isnt. The topic doesnt even matter.
"What's the point in taking temporary joy in things, when Im going to die someday anyway? Enjoying life doenst make it last any longer. Whether I choose to do something or not, the death's of everyone around me are inevitable. I dont know whose deaths I'll witness, or who will witness mine. What am I going to do for the rest of my life? I've wasted so much time, every second Im not doing something, or doing something stupid, I could be doing something that actually matters. But even that is a paradox, because even if I did something great, it would be forgotten in time, and that, too, would no longer matter. What is the point in any of this? There's no purpose, we're just roaming this floating rock in space, trying to get by, when doing so is entirely pointless. Nothing matters. Everyone is going to die. Either Im going to lose you, or you're going to lose me, and whether that's caused by death or something else, it's going to happen. I could die tomorrow, and be forced to watch over you suffer my loss, or vice versa. There's this entirely unknown force of the inevitable, that just makes everything pointless." By the time the last words leave your lips, you become aware of the room around you, and the tears falling from your eyes.
Without saying anything, Ethan stands up from his crouching position on the floor, and sits beside you on the bed, helping you up into a sitting position, before bringing you onto his lap and holding you against his chest.
"Is this why you havent been writing?" Ethan asks quietly.
You sniffle, nodding as you force out an explanation "My writing isnt going anywhere, it isnt doing anything. I feel guilty for doing it because it only ever makes me happy, rather than using that time to do something for someone else."
Ethan kisses your forehead "You have to take care of yourself sometimes, babe, you're important too."
You shake your head "No, that's not what Im here for, Im here to help others and make them happy. I figured out years ago that if I do have a purpose, that is it."
Ethan is quiet for a moment, before he responds "And if someone you cared about was feeling the way you are now, what would you do?"
You wipe your eyes "The same thing you're doing."
He nods slowly "Exactly. You are your own best friend and worst enemy, all at the same time. You're too hard on yourself, you do so much for everyone around you, but you never see it as enough. By helping yourself, you'd be making other people happy too, because those who care about you, want to see you happy."
Shrugging, you rest your head on Ethan's chest "But what's the point? Why spend my time on myself, when I dont matter?"
Ethan's arms tighten around you "You do matter, every single person matters. We get a very short life on this planet, and none of us know exactly how long we've got. It's easy to wallow in a pit of existentialism, the challenge is pulling yourself out of that, and realising that you may not be on this planet long, so why not enjoy the time you do have? Sure, it may seem pointless now, but when we're old, sitting on a porch, unable to do much more than reflect on the life we've had together, you'll be so glad you let yourself be happy, and so will I. In a million years, our species could be wiped out entirely, so if you fuck up, that doesnt matter, but if you live a life that you're proud of in the end, what could matter more than that?" Ethan pauses for a moment, and you sit up to meet his eyes as he finishes his short speech "Right now, in this moment, Im with the girl I love, and the fact that one day we'll no longer exist is more motivation to spend as much time with her as I possibly can, while we can."
Sitting up fully, you look down at Ethan's shirt, not really focussing on it as you frown in intense thought. What he's saying does make a lot of sense.
Ethan gently cups the side of your face with one hand, his thumb gently brushing away a single tear that you didnt realise had fallen.
"You're thinking of an entire library, try focussing back on the book that you're still writing." He winks at you, and you cant help but chuckle at his metaphor that is also ironically figurative, given that these thoughts have stopped you from writing.
Unable to hold back the smile spreading across your face, you look up, your eyes meeting his again "I know one thing that's still going to matter, even when we're long gone, and it's cheesy as fuck."
Ethan reflects your smile back at you, his glee at making you smile evident in his own "Oh, I am ready for the cheese!"
You giggle, shaking your head at him as a light blush appears on your cheeks "I love you, and that is gonna live on longer than either of us ever will."
Ethan raises an eyebrow playfully "And what about the fact that I love you too, huh, where does that come in?"
You shrug "Cant compete with me, sorry, I win."
His jaw drops "Excuse you!"
You wink at him "You are excused."
Both you and Ethan share a chuckle as he shakes his head at you "Y'know, I think that argument will live on longer than both of us, too."
You nod frantically "Hell yeah, we'll be bickering kindred spirits, like an old married couple!"
Ethan laughs "Kindred spirits, I like that."
Nodding, you lean forward and rest your head on his chest again.
"Thank you, Ethan." You almost whisper.
"What're you thanking me for?" He asks, his curiosity and slight confusion evident in his tone.
"For making me matter." You tell him, your eyes slowly drifting shut after your thoughts draining you, and the words that fall from Ethan's lips in response, cause you to drift off to sleep with a smile on your face.

"Nah baby, you did that all on your own."