Metamorphosis

Back To Square One

HeDi

"I THINK I LIKE YOU WANG HEDI!"..."I THINK I LIKE YOU WANG HEDI!"...."I THINK I LIKE YOU WANG HEDI!"

Yue's words kept on repeating on my mind as if on loop. What did she say????... Did I hear her right???

I was stunned by her confession... I can't move... I wanted to but I can't ... I could only stare at her, confusion written all over my face... did i really hear her say it??? that she likes me??? my heartbeat was accelerating ... as if it was about to burst... I never expected to feel like this... and it's confusing the hell out of me. Why am I feeling this way?

" What did you say?" I asked.

Yue averted her gaze... "I don't want to repeat myself Di...I know you heard me the first time." she said.

I tried to read her expression... she looks calm... too calm actually... I can't read what's on her mind... and I'm dying to know what's she's thinking about right now... Then suddenly she faced me and gave me her most awkward smile... what she said next brought me back to reality...

" You don't have to stress yourself Di... nothing's gonna change... Our friendship... it's too precious for me...I won't ruin what we have with this sudden realization of my feelings for you.." She said staring straight into my eyes.

Wait!...What's she trying to say now?!? Does she really think we could still be friends after her confession???

"I'm not expecting you to like me back you know...I...I really just want to be honest with you." Then with pleading eyes she asked me that f**cking question... A question i have not been expecting to dread up until this moment.

"So....we're still friends right?"

I felt like I was hit by a sudden blow to the chest... I can't breathe... Why do I feel this way??? Do I actually like her too? Have I been liking her too all this time and was just not realizing it up until now??? Probably... I wouldn't be this disappointed by her words If I feel nothing towards her...

But then her pleading gaze and worried face made me say the dumbest thing ever...

"Of course... We're still friends... I'll always be your friend... " I gave her my most reassuring smile when in fact... Regret is already eating me up inside.

Yue

I did the right thing... I did the right thing... I did the right thing....

I kept repeating this to myself like a mantra. You can't make him like you too just because you like him Yue... It's unfair for him... And it will also be unfair for you... You deserve to find someone who could reciprocate your feelings. You're one lovable woman... You'll find that someone in no time. I told myself as if giving myself a peptalk.

After that strenous and emotional confrontation with HeDi.. We decided that we would remain friends... Although I was the only one who did all the talking and all HeDi did was stare at me with that damn confused face of his and eventually agreeing to still be friends with me... Eventhough he is aware that i am harbouring this attraction for him.

The realization that he treasures our friendship as much as I do really makes me glad but a the same time also makes me sad... Knowing that I cannot cross that line... That line that I drew myself... I cannot fall inlove with my bestfriend coz there is no way that he could love me back...For him, I will always just be Yueyue... His friend... His buddy.

HeDi walked me to my next class.We were silent the whole time.

"Here you go..." He said as he dropped me off to my class room. "I'll wait for you later okay?...Let's go home together." He affectionately pats my head as he turned and walked away.

"Wait.... Di..." I called him to get his attention. "I can't go with you later...I-Im..."

"What now Yueyue?... I thought we're through with this avoiding scenario? You said nothing's gonna change between us? Well... we've been going home together for more than 20 years... Why does it have to change huh?" I can hear the irritation in his voice which matched the frown on his face.

"Don't get me wrong Didi... It's just that the girls and I has plans of spending the rest of the day at Jiaqi's home....uhmmm... If you want you can just drive me there instead." I told him, relief flooding me when I saw his expression change.

"Alright... I'll wait for you at the parking lot then.... See you later Yueyue..."He said then he finally left....

Why do I feel so tired all of a sudden... Dealing with HeDi today has left me emotionally exhausted.I hope things would change for the better tomorrow... After all... We're back to where we once before right?

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