hope | t.h.

f l a s h b a c k I

Talks about mental disorders, contains self harm!

I sat there on the ground, in the middle of the lockers, hallway all emptied out. It was hopeless to live anymore. My heart dropped, what felt like, 10 meters. The tears were forming in my eyes, making everything blurry.

I took my glasses off and ran to the nearest washroom and locked myself in a stall. I put the toilet cover down and sat on the toilet, scared for my life, wanting to end it all.

Everybody would call me names. Useless, ugly, fat, a waste of space, a slut. I'm simply a slut because I used to wear makeup every single day. The popular girls can do it and nobody would say a single negative thing about them but it's not the same for me. That is why I don't do my makeup anymore... Or do my makeup when I'm going to school.

I wish I was never here. Nobody knows about my anxiety and depression problems anyway. Not even my parents. Only one person and that is it.

A tear shed out of my eyes. It was about time. I grabbed the bottle of pills from my backpack and my water bottle. My 'friend' gave me the pills and advised me to take one a day if I felt this certain way. I swallowed the pill with the water, still having tears streaming down my face, or what they call it, my ugly face.

I despised coming to school everyday. Sure, everybody hates school because of the work. I hate school because of the people.

I've already switched high schools twice and I'm in my junior year at the moment. I told my parents that it was because I felt more stressed at those two schools, when in reality, it was the students there.

This school is even worse but I don't know how my parents would react if I told them that I want to transfer again. Especially in my junior year.

I fold up the sleeve of my shirt and grab a knife that I keep in my bag. One single word that comes out of peoples mouths, one little cut. It's all my fault. I was born. I should have killed myself years ago. I am the burden here and that is why I choose to take out my sadness with these marks on my arms.

Jeffrey Richardson and Gabriella Fanning are the reason for this mark. One I will never forget. They caused 4 other marks.

I always wear long sleeve shirts, hoodies, or jumpers (sweatshirts). Even at home. I tell everyone that I'm 'cold'. I could be dying of heat but I'd do anything to hide these. I don't want anyone to question anything. I want people to focus on themselves.

I wish my life hadn't been like this, let alone started. I wish I was never born. Why was I born? What is my purpose on this Earth?

I stand up to unlock the door of the stall and walk to the sink. I turn the tap on and wash my face with cold water, trying to not look as if I bawled my eyes out.

I felt so tired from crying. Once my face was all washed, I got a napkin from the dispenser and dried my face.

I put on some lotion from my bag and blew my nose.

I walked into science, third period, with puffy eyes. Everybody stared at me as I walked in late.

"Ms. Birks, you are late." Mr. Pharissen points at the clock.

I put on the mask of confidence and looked him in the eye. "I got lost in the halls." I take my seat as he continues to talk to me.

"Well", he says, "try and figure out the halls faster."

I nod my head, nothing else to say, and get my science notebooks and textbook out of my bag.

The whole class had their eyes on me. It was as if they knew. I wish it was easier because I know nobody was in the washroom, but what if there was somebody? Listening...

Word spreads quick here without a single second to breathe. That is what I hate the most about people here. That is my biggest fear; people knowing too much about me and telling everybody else about it.

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