The Memory of Fate (Book 4)

7. Feeling Like an Outsider

Patrick

I sat in the corner of the room, watching people talking and laughing and, frankly, having a much better time than I was. It's not that I didn't want to go talk to people - quite a few of the party guests were people I grew up with - but it was that they all knew me as the kid who tried to kill himself because he got dumped. Every time I see them, it's always the same questions asking how I'm doing with that look in their eyes that meant they wanted to know if I was still suicidal. Or it was that pitiful look they'd give me, thinking I was so dumb as to try taking my own life over a high school romance.

That's not why I did it.

Yes, I had been torn up about Shawn. But if he had talked it out with me, told me it wouldn't work out because I wanted to go to college and the long distance wouldn't work well, then maybe the story would have ended differently. Instead, he had ridiculed me down to nothing and said he never wanted to touch another guy because of me. He made me feel like my only choice in this world was to end my life. And when he walked away from me for that last time, despite everything he said, a part of my heart went with him.

I know he changed. Hell, we had a long talk a couple years ago about what happened after he ended things. That didn't make anything any easier for me, though, especially with him being with Andy now.

"Hey."

I looked up to see Shawn had sat down in the chair next to me. I didn't say anything.

"Don't feel like socializing?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Don't know a lot of these people. The ones I do know don't really care about me anyway."

"That can't be true."

I didn't answer him, just stared out at the room. What did he know, anyway? I felt awkward with him sitting next to me. Why did he come over here?

"At least you know people here," he said after a while of sitting in silence. "Andy knows them, a few I've met a couple times, but for the most part, I just feel lost here. I've never even been to a baby shower before. Is there always this much pink?"

I chuckled. "Only if the baby's a girl. And Kat's the mother. I think she went a bit overboard on the party planning, as per usual."

"Yeah, I'm not surprised."

We fell into silence again, but this time was a more comfortable one. I'm not sure what changed, but I was okay with the silence. That is, until Shawn spoke again a few minutes later.

"Listen, Pat." He sighed. I looked over at him. "I heard you only just found out that Andy and I are getting married. I'm sorry. I should have... I should have let you know a lot sooner. You deserved to know."

From what Kat told me, they got engaged nearly six months ago. But I didn't see why he was apologizing. It's not like it was something I would have wanted to hear from him anyway. Not back then, at least.

"You happy?" I asked.

He nodded with a smile. "Happier than I've ever been, to be real honest."

"Then I guess that's what matters."

Shawn nodded again, then looked back up at me with those bright green eyes of his. "Are you seeing anyone right now?"

I shook my head, ripping my gaze away from his to stare at the floor. The truth was I haven't actually dated anyone since I was with him. Everyone else I've ever been with lasted only a night, some no more than an hour.

"I think you should," Shawn continued. "Get out there and find someone. He's out there waiting for you, Pat. You just need to let him in."

I stood up. "I don't need relationship advice from you."

Before he could say anything else, I walked away. I don't know why he would think it's okay to tell me to date. Because he's getting married he suddenly thinks he can give me dating advice? He didn't know me anymore. A part of me doubted he ever did. I think that thought hurt the most.

"Patrick, dear!"

I cringed at the sound of my mother's loud voice, shouting over the chatter of the party. I was really trying my hardest to avoid her tonight.

She ran up to me. "How's the job search going? Any prospects yet?"

I nodded. "I got a job with Joey. I start on Monday."

She pulled me into a hug. "Oh! I'm so proud of you!" She then launched into a million questions about the job that I really wasn't in the mood to answer.

Maybe it was because I hadn't had sex all week. I don't normally wait this long between finding some guy to fuck, but since I couldn't bring them back to Kat's, I didn't bother going out. I had a reputation to uphold around here. Guys came to me who needed a place that's not their own to fuck in. And I wasn't about to fuck in the bathroom of some bar. I had slightly better standards than that.

"So, any news on a place to live, now that you're a working man and all?" Mom asked.

I shook my head. "I haven't even started working yet. Besides, it's only been a week."

She patted my arm. "I know. And it's so quiet in the house now that you're gone. Your father is already making plans to redo the basement, but I'm sure I can convince him to let you come back, since you did find yourself a job."

Moving back home would be easy. And yeah, I could keep the job and still be able to go out at night. But maybe this was my chance to really get out into the world. I still wasn't interested in dating, like Shawn suggested, but I think still living in my parents' basement did have a negative connotation with me being twenty five. I needed to become my own adult.

"No," I told her. "I'm going to find my own place. I think it's time I do."

She smiled widely. "Oh, I am so proud of you. So so proud of you."