The Memory of Fate (Book 4)

38. A Hard Truth to Swallow

Patrick

Over the next couple of weeks, things didn't seem to be going so well. Dad had moved out, but Mom didn't seem any happier. She missed him, it was obvious. I still didn't really know why she did it. I didn't want to talk to her about it; about him. I had quit my job after the whole mental hospital thing because I wasn't happy there, but that just put more strain on my mom. So I avoided being home as much as possible.

But hanging out with Bennett wasn't as great as it used to be either. He had been a bit distant and I couldn't figure out what was going on with him.

I waited in the lobby of the dance studio while middle-aged women in weirdly-fitting workout clothes started pouring out of the room Bennett had been teaching in. He didn't know I was here, since I wanted to surprise him. I wanted to take him out to lunch today, so he better not have any plans for the afternoon.

Finally, the room seemed to clear out, but I still hadn't seen Bennett come out. I pushed myself off the wall I was leaning on and stepped into the studio.

Bennett had his back to me when I walked in. I didn't say anything for a moment, watching as he picked up a few pieces of trash those women must have left behind.

I was still watching him when he turned around. He smiled when he saw me, which I took as a good sign.

"Hey," he said, walking over to me. "What are you doing here?"

I shrugged. "You know, I don't have a job anymore, so I might as well come find you at yours."

He let out a short laugh. "What's the real reason? Or are you seriously that bored?"

I grabbed his waist and pulled him the last step towards me. I kissed him. "I love you," I said, my lips hovering just above his. "And I wanted to take you out to lunch."

He kissed me back then took a step backward to look at the clock hanging on the wall. "Yeah, I got time. As long as it's not a long lunch."

We ended up at a small sandwich shop a couple blocks away. I hadn't been there before, but Bennett said it was amazing.

Our conversation stayed pretty light on the walk over to the sandwich shop and while we ordered. But once we sat down with our lunch, that's when things got a little more serious.

"Are you... doing okay?" I asked, hesitating a little. "You've been a bit off recently."

Bennett shook his head. "What do you mean off? I'm fine."

"Just..." I sighed. Maybe I was imagining things after all. I asked my question anyway, knowing I had gone too far to stop now. "I feel like you're being distant."

He was quiet for a second as he took a bit of his sandwich. "Okay, fine," he said, putting the sandwich back on the plate. "Don't you think this is all happening too fast?"

"What is?"

"This. Us. Our relationship." He picked at a piece of his lettuce. "Doesn't everything feel sort of rushed?"

Thinking about it, I guess he did have a point. We've only been dating for about two months or so. But I didn't exactly have any experience with a real relationship. How was I supposed to know what was too fast?

"Maybe you're right," I said. "You have the relationship experience and you know how this should work. If you want to slow down with anything, just tell me. I'll do it."

Bennett shook his head. "I don't want to compare dating you to when I dated Tommy. He's different than you. Hell, I was a completely different person. I just..." He sighed. "I like you, Pat. I really do. And I want this to work out. I'm just afraid that it's not going to."

I stared down at my partly-eaten sandwich. It was just as good as Bennett had promised it would be, but now I didn't exactly feel like eating. "Why?" I asked, looking back at him. "Is there something I'm not doing right or... or something else?" I was generally confused, since I thought everything was fine, or at least, better than that.

Bennett was still looking down at his food. He was quiet for a minute, and it worried me. Finally, he spoke. "Please don't take this the wrong way, Pat. I'm not comparing you to him at all, but when I was with Tommy, we were together for six years." He lifted his gaze to mine. "Six years is a long time. So long that I thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives. And look how that turned out. So forgive me if I'm a little hesitant now. With us. It's been two months and we're at the same point that took Tommy and me eight months to get to and I knew him for a few years before we started dating. What if this is going too fast and it'll come to an end that much faster?"

I felt a lump form in my throat. "Do you want this to end?" I sure as hell didn't, but if he wasn't feeling it, I wasn't about to force him to stay. It would just be more proof that I was completely unlovable and I shouldn't have put my heart out there again. This is what I get for falling in love. A broken heart. Again.

Bennett reached out and placed his hand on top of mine. "Don't get sad, Pat. Of course I want to be with you. You are an amazing boyfriend with so much love to give." He sighed, running his fingers that weren't holding onto my hand through his hair and looking back down at the table. "It's just that I have my own issues that I need to work through, okay? It's nothing against you at all."

I nodded my head slowly. "I understand, and I'll be here for you, however you need to me to be. I love you. We love each other, right? That's what we're here for."

Bennett was quiet. I had half expected him to agree, saying he did love me back. I know he's said it before, but he rarely did. His sudden silence when it should have been obvious what he should say worried me more than anything else.

"Bennett? Do you love me?"

He bit his lip, staring down at the table. I knew that look. He didn't love me, but he didn't know how to tell me. I was hurt, of course I was, but there had to be a reason he had told me he did. I didn't want to ask, though, unsure if I wanted to know what that reason was.

Finally, he spoke. "I want to love you. Believe me, I do." He looked back up at me. There were tears in the corners of his eyes. "I said I did because I didn't want to hurt you. I was hoping I'd fall for you super quick and then it wouldn't be an issue. But, like I said, this is all moving too fast. I'm not that type of person that falls in love this quick. I hope you can forgive me. But I will fall in love with you, it's already happening, as slowly as it is. You just need to give me a little more time before I'm at the same place you are."

I nodded, but didn't say anything as I stood up. I knew the truth was going to hurt, but I was also trying to be better about managing my emotions. I was always going to love Bennett, but at that moment, I couldn't stay there any longer. I needed to leave, to be anywhere else but there.