The Memory of Fate (Book 4)

18. Opening Up

Bennett

He kissed me and I froze.

A second passed. Two. Then three. His lips moved against mine, but I stayed frozen in place. Despite everything, he wasn't that bad of a kisser.

I pulled myself away from him. "What the hell, Pat?"

He opened his mouth to speak, then quickly closed it. He did that a couple more times before words actually came out. "I'm sorry. It just felt like the right thing to do."

I stood up. "The right thing? Moments after I told you I'm not over my ex?"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. That was wrong. I won't do it again."

He looked like he felt bad about it, but I still didn't understand why he would kiss me in the first place. It's not like I was giving him any indication that I wanted to be kissed. In fact, I was pretty sure I was giving him the opposite signs.

With a sigh, I sat back down. "When we were out at the bar, I got the impression that you had sort of a bad breakup," I said. "You don't have to talk about it, but how did you get over him?"

He looked away from me, bringing his fist up to his mouth. I'm pretty sure he was biting his finger. Eventually, he took his teeth off his skin and spoke, but still didn't look at me. "You're already handling this way better than I did."

"How long ago did you and him date?"

"Seven years ago."

"And..." I hesitated, not sure if I should ask, since he didn't exactly seem willing to talk about it. I asked anyway. "How long did it take before you were over him?"

Pat shook his head. "I'm not drunk enough for this. And it doesn't matter anyway."

I put my hand on his arm. "Pat, listen. I understand that you don't want to talk about it, but I don't think holding all that in is good for you. I want to be your friend, okay? And friends open up to each other. I just want you to know that I care and if you do want to talk, I'm willing to listen."

He looked at me. His eyes were filled with more sadness than I've ever seen them and I realized that there were tiny flecks of gold in the deep brown of those eyes. "Okay. To be real honest, I don't know if I'm completely over him yet. I know he's gotten over me. He never even considered our time together as anything, really. But now he's marrying my cousin's best friend and I have to see him all the time and it sucks. But not because I'm still in love with him, although if he were to break up with Andy right now, I would take him back in a heartbeat because he's Shawn and I can't not like him, you know? But no. It hurts so much to see him because he told me he wasn't into guys and that I disgusted him so much that I made him never want to touch another guy ever again. And now he's marrying one."

"Shit," I breathed. "I... I don't know what to say." I wasn't expecting him to actually tell me right now, and to tell me that? I can't imagine how hard that must have been for him to go through. And continue to go through.

Tommy was the only person I've ever dated. If I had to see him all the time because he was marrying someone I was close to, I wouldn't know how I'd react. Maybe that was why Pat turned to meaningless sex all the time. It probably took his mind off his ex.

"There's nothing to say," he said, standing up and pulling his shirt sleeves down over his hands. "I shouldn't have even said anything anyway." With that, Pat walked out of my room.

I laid back on my bed. I was glad Pat opened up to me, but I also felt like I forced him to do it. I didn't want that. I just wanted to be friends with him and know him a bit better. Was that too much to ask?

Although apparently, he thought us talking and me opening up to him meant he should kiss me. I didn't go kissing him after he opened up to me, did I?

I suddenly sat up. That's not why he was upset and left, was it? That I didn't kiss him back? No. It couldn't be. He knew I wasn't interested in him that way. He's known that. And after he did kiss me, I made it extremely clear. That shouldn't have been what upset him.

Then was it talking about his ex? I know I didn't exactly want to think about Tommy, let alone talk to someone about him, but he dated this guy seven years ago and there were still some feelings there. Was it going to take me seven years to get over Tommy?

Maybe Pat and I weren't so different with our relationship history. His ex told him he never wanted to touch another guy only to end up engaged to one. Tommy was straight when we started dating but told me he'd still love me, no matter who I was, but now he's back to dating a girl. Pat and I were just used by these guys who could never change who they really are. Pat's ex - Shawn - was always going to be into guys, even if he didn't want Pat anymore. Tommy was always going to be into girls. It just sucks that people like Pat and I get thrown to the side because we don't work for them. We're the ones getting hurt.

I stood and walked out of my room. Pat was sitting on the couch watching some movie. I went and sat next to him.

"We're not so different after all," I told him.

He gave me a weird look. "How so?"

"Our ex's. They both used us." I then explained to him everything I had just figured out. "It may not have been exactly the same, but either way, both of our ex's were bastards who didn't really care about us the same way we cared about them."

"But it's not like you're so torn up about your ex that you want to die," Pat muttered.

I stared at him. "Of course not. Why would you think that?"

Without speaking, Pat rolled up the sleeve on his left arm. There, on his wrist, was a jagged scar. I immediately knew what it was from.

"Did you really...?" I couldn't bring myself to finish the question.

He nodded. "I would have succeeded too if my dad hadn't gotten home early and grabbed me before I could cut open the other wrist."

I couldn't take my eyes off the scar, imagining a young Pat clutching a knife in one hand as he cut into his own skin. "Do you still wish you had done it?"

Pat let out a long breath. "All the fucking time. But if I had, I never would have been able to meet you."